Where to begin... what a couple of years... - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 3 (permalink) Old 11-10-2014, 05:38 PM Thread Starter
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Where to begin... what a couple of years...

Hi I am new. I am at the end of my rope - but as I write this I think no I am not - I can't be - no matter what happens I have a lovely 10 year old daughter who needs a Mum and so regardless of how difficult anything gets I always must fight another round.
The short story is I met my husband when he was separated from his first wife for 2 years. We were friends only for a further 2 years and then eventually it became more.
I wasn't looking for anything and he pursued me for that time.
Fast forward to 2012. My Dad who was and always will be my soul mate died. Worse he took ill the month we were to marry - my Dad was a selfless person and made me promise to go ahead with this - he always worried who would look after me when he was gone so after much (understatement!) protesting I got married - I returned and my Dad died that night.
Nothing has been the same since - I resent the way my husband reacted - I resent that I was such a good friend to him when he needed me yet when it was for the first time and after 5 years my turn for support - well everything fell apart. He held my Dad's hand and told him not to worry in the days before he died - said he would take care of my daughter and I - yet once my Dad died he gave up work which I didn't mind to go back to College - but 4 years later and him still no nearer using this to get forward it grates that he 'coasts' as I get up at 0600 and am lucky to be in bed most days by midnight due to work and other chores.
I am not sure how this is coming across but I feel that I have given him all - his first wife (his account so who knows if it is true) was 'high maintenance' - based on the figures they certainly never struggled - had 700k to split in divorce on paper etc - I am working class - 38 now and worked since I was 13 and always will have to - my Dad was rich in best ways... the thing is his ex never worked and still doesn't - he doesn't seem to understand that it hurts me he wanted to take care of her and look after her but with me rather than lets meet in the middle despite him being 50 - it is me who cares for him and my daughter.
He has let me down so much - last week I learnt I was losing my Mum to cancer too - nothing more they can do and he says to me - well that's what happens at our age - both his parents are still alive - then later find out what he had is all gone - I have been paying the bills for 4 years almost and now it turns out he needs to go bankrupt.
I don't mind having nothing per se - really I don't - my Dad and I had nothing monetarily and they were my happiest years.
3 weeks after my Dad died in 2012 my husband sat me down to say he was leaving that he 'couldn't handle it' - yet now he tells me our wedding was his happiest day - he cannot understand why I don't listen ala BS - when the person you love needs you the most you don't want to bolt.
What I do feel aggrieved about is my husband's selfishness since he has been with me - bottom line is I think he cannot love me as I love him - OR - as he loved his first wife - else I would not be in effect a door mat and him a spoilt teen.
Feel too young to be an orphan and scared of future but even now feel responsible for everyone - feel it is my job to look after every one else. Not easy - miss my soul mate/Dad and just want to be with him -know that would not be fair on my daughter though.

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post #2 of 3 (permalink) Old 11-15-2014, 10:24 AM
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Re: Where to begin... what a couple of years...

It's a terrible thing to lose family members.

I went through a nine month depression in 2002 after my younger brother died at age 43.
I thought my life was over. I really did.
I didn't have anyone close to talk to back then.
My brother, sister, Mom and Dad wouldn't talk about my brothers' death really.

Now I face losing my parents in the next few years. They are 86 and 92 respectively. In ok health for that age, but I know they can't live too much longer.

I didn't have my wife back then, now I do.
I think that will help.

You have your daughter to give you strength.

your husband needs to wake up and show empathy.
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post #3 of 3 (permalink) Old 11-16-2014, 12:44 AM
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Re: Where to begin... what a couple of years...

You said that when your husband divorced his ex, they split 700K. What has he done with his half of that?

You have every right to be upset at your husband if he is not contributing to your household, not really showing you love and not being supportive.

On top of that, you are showing your daughter a very bad example of what marriage is like. You would do her a HUGE favor of leaving her husband. She would learn that a woman does not have to put up with any crap that a man dishes out.

What are you thoughts and plans for leaving him?
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