I have not seen/talked to my wife since the 17th. We may be in for a long nasty divorce. How do you cope with the hurt inside? I find myself thinking about her all the time. I can't go anyplace without things reminding me of her. Her and I during happy times did everything together. I find myself even drinking her favorite Gatorade lol. When I go to the mall I pass by this store she bough our firs married Christmas ornimate at. It's like this deep feeling of loss in my stomach because we have been together for 7 years. I know that is't a huge time but to me I gave 7 years of my life to someone and that's not something you can take back overnight. I've tried to occupy my time with taking walks or going for drives but I can't get my mind off it. I talk to everyone about it and they are tired of hearing the same thing every day. I find myself going to bed mad at my wife for the stuff she's doing to me but I wake up wondering if we will be a family again. For me it's torture I feel I'm in some dream that I can't wake up from. I don't sleep very well at night because I dread going to bed. I don't eat much I have to force myself to have something to eat. I've lost a lot of weight. My self image of myself right now is not so good. My wife used to compliment me and tell me I was good looking but as I stare at myself I wonder what she saw in me. I start blaming myself and think that this was my fault. I wonder how she can sleep at night with what she did. I don't drink so I don't do that, I'm not into drugs either. I know praying makes some difference, but how do I make the pain and hopelessness go away?
Sorry you are going through this. You probably don't want to hear this, but........TIME is the only thing which seems to take the edge off of the pain. Although I haven't read your other threads, I sense your wife left you. That adds to the pain. It has been three years since my husband left me. I still have days were the pain from the abandonment is unreal. I have found prayers and individual counseling helpful though.
I will tell you what I experience with the same feelings that are hounding my insides!! There are times when I get off of work and am at the house by 5:00 pm, feeling this way!! I will go to my room and begin to read Psalms. I start at Ch. 1 and read. Usually by the time I get to Ch. 50 or so my mind is focused on the Word. I keep on reading!! I usually also, listen to some worship music as I try to lean on God for comfort. Michael W. Smith has Agnus Dei, and Awesome God. This is my ticket out.
I turned to god as well. I am going to make myself go to church on Sunday just because I know when things were on the down we used to go to church and things looked up. I don't know how to feel right now. My stomach is twisted in every way. I find myself dreading to go to sleep at night just because of the dreams. I dream about my wife every night sometimes 3-4 different dreams. During conversations with friends I find myself not talking about anything else. People are getting annoyed with this. I cried yesterday when I met with my priest. I find myself not being able to get my mind off the situation all I keep thinking about are what if's. I know I've been taught to think about positive outlooks. People say I'm in major denial but until I hear the words while looking into my wifes eyes saying "I want to divorce" then I hold onto hope. I pray to god asking him to watch over my wife during these times, I also pray for our family and kids. I only do this because I'm learning that life is not all about me and I should be putting others over me.
This is a tough situation you are going through. Holding on to hope is not a bad thing at all. There are people out there that can help you. I agree with 827 Aug seeking individual counseling and who knows maybe even couple's counseling can help tremendously in these situations. So glad you are getting plugged into your church. Leaning into the bible can help you during difficult circumstances. Best of luck to you.
Hang in there it will get better. Start to think about the new "if's" like; if you will meet some neet folks at church (you will) or if you should join this club or that club.
How about if you should voulinter at this orginization or that organization.
Point is stop with the old "if's" and think about the new "if's".
Always remember this, its not what knocks us down that counts its how we get back up that matters.
You sound like a selfless person and God has a place for you so the next time time you talk ask him for some help...some help for your self this time, something just for you. Alls you have to do is ask.
I know praying makes some difference, but how do I make the pain and hopelessness go away?
Have you tried Journaling your feelings ?
I was told by someone who posts here (he has amazing wisdom), Also really has his life together now. But at one time was Really a mess emotionally, going through exactly what you describe here, also a man....
He was told by a Counselor to start a journal and to write down every memory, how he was feeling each day , write about his feelings about his ex -who left him with a gaping hole & yearing in his heart, he wrote it all down & continued writing - (plus posting here ) until there came a day where there was nothing left to write! the pain easing, this was his "recovery".
Writing out your feelings can be very powerful for many people. If we have inner demons that need to be released, we often find them in our writing, if we need to forgive others, their hurt to us, even forgive ourselves, writing can many times bring us there .
I thought about a journal. I had kept a diary of things on my cell phone which is now MIA. Over the past few day's I've really missed my wife. I've been dreaming about her every night. Last night I dreamed that we had worked things out and got back together. I just don't know how to stop the empty feelings I have.
I am on a roller coaster of feelings lately. I'm not sure what is going on. I haven't talked to my wife in a while and it's killing me. I've been strong and thought about things. But all I think about is her. I've got a new job which takes up time but I find myself hoping to come back and find an email or something to me. I miss her something awful. A part of me wants to just break my conditions and pray she doesn't call the police lol. But I've been trying to stay strong and positive. But I've also thought about what she is doing or if there's some guy at our home or sleeping with my wife. Are these feelings normal? I know she know's that I wouldn't do anything like that. I had to file divorce papers as part of the 180 and she hasn't responded. I want to withdraw the papers because I think maybe I made the wrong choice or will it backfire.
It is a rollercoaster of emotions. Did you try couples counseling? Is she interested at all to make things work? Divorces are very painful. Are there any children involved? Best of luck to you. Posted via Mobile Device
I know what your going through. One year ago, I felt everything your feeling than I realized I was crazy and that my mind was playing tricks on me. Like I said, I went through the shock, crying, feeling sorry for myself, the pain, the weight loss, the dreams, nightmares, suicidal thoughts, and loss of everything until I realized this is just my mind playing games.
Accept where you are. Accept that she is gone. You did all that you could. It could always be worse. You need to take anything that reminds you of her, pics, presents, ect and throw it away or give it to your friend. It cannot be in your house.
What is happening to you is the best thing. You can't understand it right now but trust me it is. Its a transformation. I have a different outlook on life after experiencing such a traumatic event. I see life totally different. Their is deeper meaning. I feel so much better. So much more alive.
Every morning or Every night. Learning how to meditate and prayer. Sit quietly for 5 min. Concentrate on your breathing. Your mind will wander. The trick is to focus on your breathing. You can youtube meditation or take Yoga. Start repeating that you love yourself over and over in your mind. Your heart wouldn't be broken if you truly love yourself. Your true self love can compensate for the void its feeling now. Picture light(Gods light) coming into you. The light is cleaning all the negativity in your body. After, that take three deep breaths. Now you are ready for your prayers.
1.Confess your anger or other sins to god
2. Thank God for what you have at the moment. (Your job, health, friends) Try for seven things and really mean it.
3. Ask God what you would like. Do not ask for your wife back. Just forgive her for how you feel. Its not her fault. Very impt. Forgive her. She does not understand your pain b/c she is dealing with her own, you just cant see it. Just keep on forgiving her. You can ask for anything you want in your prayers.
Please read psalm 21 3 x a day.
I try and do this daily.
The gym 5 days a week. 3 days weight 2 days cardio. one hour a day. Right after work.
I did step 1-3 and it worked.
1. Your memories are the past. It has nothing to do with what is happening right now. When you dwell on the past, Its your brain fooling you. It needs thought to survive. More drama the better for it. Its a vicious cycle. You need to concentrate on the task on hand. Everything you do concentrate on what your doing. The more you do this, the less time your brain goes into dwelling mode.
Things to buy.
1. Get audio cd's of the power of now. I listen to this over and over on my way to work. It will give a better understanding on why we experience pain.
2. St Johns wort and vitamin D. Take 3 st johns wort and 1 vitamin d a day. Never use prozac or sleeping pills. You can do this naturally.
4. The Bible
5. New clothes
Thoughts to always live by.
Never feel sorry for yourself.
Never blame anyone on how you feel. You control how you feel. Blaming only makes you powerless. You give all the responibility of your feeling to someone else. This is way too dangerous.
++You control your destiny. Visualize on a new future. I wrote my new future in a notebook every night. I repeated it. I was so excited to write in it and I despise writing. I just believed everything would come true. No doubt this for a second. I wrote the details of this women that I would meet, the job I would have, the money I would get. The apt I would buy. It was so exciting. A year later everything became true. Just believe and stay focused. Think positive thoughts. If you think negative all you will get it is negative. For example, always talking about the problem to your friends. What happens, they get tired of it? Don't want to hang out with you? negative attracts negative scenarios. Positive attracts positive scenarios.
When your pain hits you. Repeat Trust God. Trust God. God will always be with you. He is always holding you tight. He will never leave your side. Pain is your own doing not Gods. If you feel Pain its because your mind is telling you to feel it.
I hope this helps. Just stay focused you have a lot to do. Stop talking about the divorce. The more you talk about it the more pain it brings. Talking about it wont make you feel better. Your more likely to dwell in it longer. I promise this works if you truly believe and stick to the program. My pain was gone faster than the flu. It can happen in a second. Its your mind telling you. Get control of your mind. This wasn't easy. It takes work.
After doing all of this, I met my new wife and life is so great.
I've been doing a lot of praying to god. I went to confession Saturday and church on Sunday. I forgave my wife after this happened. I knew it wasn't her that caused the problems in us. We tried marriage counseling and went to 3 sessions. I think this has been brewing for a while since we haven't had the best communication throughout our 7 year relationship. I've had the feelings of it's all my fault and what not. But after praying to god and asking him for forgiveness for both of us. I've thought a bit more about me and less about what she was doing. I've had racing thoughts that maybe she's sleeping with her ex or maybe this and maybe that. My mind has been racing, still waking up in the middle of the night. I plan on trying to get this wrapped up so my wife and I will be able to contact one another because divorce hurts both of us and also the kids and I really don't want it. I think that she doesn't want it either. It will take a lot of persevering on both ends. I wrote up my 1 year commitment to her which makes a list of all the changes and things that I would like to do for myself within a year. If we can't work things out between us after a year then I know truly that it wont work out and we can go our separate way's. I think all of this may work but just have to be able to tell her how I feel and also listen to her feelings.
Forgiveness is a big step but so glad that you are doing that and creating a list of pros and cons and things that are within your means is always helpful to do and try before reaching divorce.
Best of luck to you.
Michelle Savage Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern Posted via Mobile Device