Losing a parent............. - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #16 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

It's funny you mention dreams, STA. I stayed with my dad last night and he was talking in his sleep. He used to love to hunt and fish, so when I heard him talking to whoever he was talking to about shooting something, I knew he must have been dreaming that he was hunting. I asked him about it this morning and sure enough, he did dream about it. He explained his dream to me in great detail. He was hunting with a brother that died many years ago. He often talks in his sleep. I think he is dreaming of his loved ones that have previously died. I have heard him laughing and crying in his sleep. It's hard to explain, but it is almost comforting in a way to know that he is dreaming of his brothers, sisters, mother and dad that have been gone for many years. I hope they comfort him in his sleep.

My dad comes from a wonderful family (a huge one - he had 11 brothers and sisters!!) and they were always very close. The ones that are living call and speak with each other almost every day - just to check in. I'm very grateful for our family. I don't know how we would get through this without them.

Thank you all very much for your kind words - they mean more than you will ever know...........

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post #17 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 11:37 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Thinking of you karole... so sorry you are going through this at this time, but so grateful he was a beautiful soul full of blessing to yours. Sweet hugs...

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post #18 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-04-2015, 04:01 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

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Originally Posted by karole View Post
It's funny you mention dreams, STA. I stayed with my dad last night and he was talking in his sleep. He used to love to hunt and fish, so when I heard him talking to whoever he was talking to about shooting something, I knew he must have been dreaming that he was hunting. I asked him about it this morning and sure enough, he did dream about it. He explained his dream to me in great detail. He was hunting with a brother that died many years ago. He often talks in his sleep. I think he is dreaming of his loved ones that have previously died. I have heard him laughing and crying in his sleep. It's hard to explain, but it is almost comforting in a way to know that he is dreaming of his brothers, sisters, mother and dad that have been gone for many years. I hope they comfort him in his sleep.

My dad comes from a wonderful family (a huge one - he had 11 brothers and sisters!!) and they were always very close. The ones that are living call and speak with each other almost every day - just to check in. I'm very grateful for our family. I don't know how we would get through this without them.

Thank you all very much for your kind words - they mean more than you will ever know...........
When I read of families LIKE YOURS....it's very touching...as it should be...what a wonderful life to have so many family members caring and sharing like that, calling one another so frequently...it's like you all share each others burdens and successes too!

..You are very Blessed that you've always been this close/ connected... when you love deeply, so many memories to look back upon..... the pain will BE the deepest in his passing.....there is no way around this loss..it is significant in your hearts....

You will have the comfort of those around you...grieving together- this is your families way...

I can not relate to much of what is being spoken here... I often wonder how I will feel when my own parents lie on their death bed, I am NOT close to my Mother, only see her about 10 - 12 times a year ...or my Father, even less....they've always had their own lives...and I had mine.. it's one of the reasons I so wanted my own family even, I wanted to feel more of that connection with others.

I've heard it said..when someone we love passes, we will grieve the time they occupied in our lives on a regular basis.. it's so scant with my own parents, I am afraid I may not feel much at all.. kinda sad admission on my end....

I guess time will tell that story....

Maybe I will grieve what should have been.. though whose fault is it.. I don't know..

Just wanted to say.. I think it's great you are so close to your father.. and family members as you've described here...with so many memories alive to carry , looking back upon... MUCH will be missed, but you wouldn't want it any other way!

That is something to celebrate, he was well loved and a life well lived...
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post #19 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-08-2015, 07:48 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

By the time I was 30 both of my parents were gone. They died five years apart; my father on Father's day, my mother less than a week after Mother's. Their deaths were surprising; though both had ailing health, but neither died from acute illnesses. Both passed in their 60s, despite longevity being typical on both sides of my family.

There is no way to prepare when a death comes suddenly. You take the blow and you do what you can to cope. My relationship with God played an enormous role in my recovery, not just moving forward, but finding meaning in loss and being able to truly move on. And time. What I found myself most grateful for, when it came to my mother at least, was that there really was no need for a bedside goodbye. I knew she loved me so, so very much and I know she felt the same. I knew that my father did too, but my relationship with him was more complicated. How you treat your loved ones while they are living is so much more important than trying to make up for lost time when they're on the way out. I tell the people who are dearest to me that I love them, family and friends, and I try and treat them in a way that makes that very obvious. How you lived is so much more important than how you died.

The upside to my mother's passing? She is finally with my dad again. She never fully recovered from his death. Their marriage was fraught, but full of love, and she never loved another man her entire adult life. A light was severely dimmed after his passing and my mother never really tried to get it back. She told me a few months before her passing that all her kids were doing well and that she was ready to go. Knowing that she wasn't afraid of death absolutely did help.
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post #20 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-08-2015, 10:36 AM
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Losing a parent.............

So sorry to hear about what you are going through Karole. And I know not every situation is equal. Sending warm and healing aloha.

I still remember back in 2003, my mother suffered a severe stoke that left her completely dependent on others. My father at that time was progressively spiraling down hill (dementia). Then the summer of 2005, just as we got our parents settled (somewhat, bouncing from one siblings house to the next), my sister spent seven weeks in ICU. A woman who was, her entire life, full of life, very healthy and active. And in the end we had to take her off of life support. A decision that still haunts me. Then a year latter my father dies and five years later, mom. You learn to deal with it but really a person neves dies until, the memory dies. Hold onto the memories.
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post #21 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-08-2015, 11:27 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Carole: My heart goes out to you for I know what you're going through!

I've lost both my Mom and Dad! Dad in 1993 and Mom in 2001.

My Dad 's health was creeping downward ever since he retired at age 71 from a 40 year outdoor career with a major oil company! Granted that he was often a rather heavy drinker during his career, I often avoided him like the plague when he drank because of his abusiveness toward me when he did so. When he wasn't drinking though, the man was the absolute salt of the earth.He would literally give you the shirt off of his back! As his health started failing, and his mind went flucuating in anmd out of dementia, it was sad to see him go. In fact, he checked himself into a rest home, because with tears in his eyes, he was cognizant to tell my Mom that his presence in their home was absolutely going "to kill her," because being a good sized man, he theorized that he was just way too big for her to handle and take care of!

Two months after having entered that home, he finally died. I wasn't there at the hospital when he died, but I was enroute whenever I received word on that fateful Friday morning that he didn't have long. He died later that afternoon at 76 years old.

Mom was 90 when she died in 2001, but bless her heart, she kept every one of her mental faculties about her, always being as sharp as a tack; her poor old body just couldn't keep up however. I saw her only two days prior to her passing, being told by her that she likely would never see me again, to which I retorted, "Mom, I'll see you Friday! I've got to drive back up here on Friday to mow your grass! "Well, Baby", she said, "I'll probably not be here, but please cut the grass real nice and be sure to pick up all of those fallen limbs underneath that live oak tree in the front yard!" True to her word, she left us on that Friday afternoon as I, true to my word, was driving up to see her again to do my appointed chores! Little did Iknow that I would be planning the details of her Monday morning funeral service.

My advise to you is to cherish those remaining moments, whether good or bad, knowing that soon, that they will soon be commended into God's hands!

God bless you, my dear!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #22 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 08:18 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Many thanks to each and every one of you who have taken the time to post. I appreciate all of you. My daddy passed in his sleep yesterday morning surrounded by a house full of family and friends.. I'm thankful his suffering is over, but I can't imagine my life without him. The funeral is tomorrow and I am delivering the eulogy. Those of you of faith, please pray for me to have the strength to get through it. It is going to be so hard.

Thank you all again!
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post #23 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 09:35 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Hugs karole.
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post #24 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 10:19 AM
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Losing a parent.............

Aloha
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post #25 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-09-2015, 07:22 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

This answer comes from a Christian background, so it may not apply to your situation.

We lost a daughter only a few months old. It was due to genetic complications. Thankfully, it was a random mutation and is not something we fear being passed on through the family in future generations.

But, I was sad for her to pass. I held her in my arms as she took her last breath. I will never forget that. However, I know she is in a much better place. She is no longer suffering. She is in a place that is far better than anything we can imagine. My sadness is my selfishness that I want to still be in her physical life daily. But, my relief comes from knowing she is much better now than she could have ever been here, living with us.

So, if you have a Christian background, and if you know/believe your parent is saved, then try to find some relief in knowing they are going to be free of pain/misery and will be "graduating" to a much better place. Sure, we miss them. The memories are something to hold on to. But, knowing how much better they are was a way for me to get by.

I don't want this to be a religious thread. I just wanted to share with you how we dealt with the pain of losing a child. Hopefully, it may help you deal with what is coming with your parent.


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post #26 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-12-2015, 01:10 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Dear Karole: I just saw your post...I cannot tell you how sorry I am about your Dad's passing...With his and my husband's similarities in dealing with heart problems, it not only hit home, but made me cherish each moment of life that we are given...I send you all my love and support...Sincerely, Caroline.....
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post #27 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-12-2015, 02:22 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

A big loving sympathetic hug, Karole!

As far as eulogies are concerned, I was summarily asked to deliver the eulogy for my brother and had absolutely no idea of how to go about doing it! But when I thought of all of the outlandish, funny things that my brother had done in his lifetime, all in the spirit of love ~ well that Church ended up sounding like a comedy club.

I am so proud to relate that God somehow instilled within me the ability to turn all of those tears of grief, into tears of laughter and joy, as the family members and friends there, that came up to me afterward, thanking and hugging me later, so exhibited in their heartfelt responses!

Regardless of how you are led to do it, just let it all come from your heart!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #28 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-17-2015, 05:13 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Karole, so very sorry about the loss of your Dad. I can only imagine your pain. I (an only child of a single parent) have been my mom's primary caregiver for the last 3 years. She developed a very sudden and rapidly progressing dementia that the doctors simply have no explanation for. She's like an infant now, quite literally. Can't even speak in logical sentences. Five years ago she was still teaching music and actively involved in life. Its very hard to watch your loved one suffer, and equally very hard to have to learn to live with out them when its time to let them go. In my case my mom is here physically, but the mom I knew, and our relationship as I knew it, is gone, so I mourn the loss of my mom sometimes even as I sit with her. She's here, and yet she's long been gone, and I miss her so badly. But because of the situation, there is no sense of closure.

As one daughter to another, I really feel the pain of your loss. Let there be comfort at least in knowing your Dad no longer has to suffer. I know the pain of missing him must be beyond words. So let me just say, I'm so very sorry.

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post #29 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-18-2015, 11:16 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

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My father is very ill. He's had health problems for many years, but those problems have really escalated the past six months. He's staying at my sister's house and my brother, sister and I take turns staying with him at night. We have a sitter with him during the day so we can work. I thought we had lost him last Friday as he took a turn for the worse, but somehow, he improved slightly on Saturday. Watching my dad deteriorate has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I'm not ready to lose him, but I know the time is coming, and, in all likelihood, it won't be very long. How in the world do you prepare yourself for that?
You really can't. One may "think" that they can prepare, but over time one comes to realize that the pain still remains after years. We just learn to deal with it. I avoided this thread, but last night I got to thinking about how I now have no grandparents or parents to talk to anymore.

I lost my mother to complications realted to her diabetes in July of '13. I got to sit ringside and watch my mother lose limbs, feeling in her extremities, her vision over the course of a few years before the diease took it's ultimate toll. I lost my father almost one year ago from a massive heart attack.

I miss them...but I am thankful that the last words they heard from me were "I love you."

It hurts...but we endure, do we not? All the best to you my friend.
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post #30 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-18-2015, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Thank you so much M. I miss my dad so much!! I called my dad every day on the way home from work and we'd talk. I miss having those conversations. My dad also loved to tell stories about his childhood and life. I miss hearing those too! I miss hearing him tell me, "I love you little doll" every time we would hang up the phone. He was a wonderful man and the best father a girl could ever have. He had his flaws, but I loved those flaws! I will forever miss him!
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