Losing a parent............. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #31 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-19-2015, 12:23 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

OP

I lost both my parents in a 5 month time span. They were each others' lives.

The real answer is that you CAN'T prepare for it. It is going to hurt, and in a big way. This thing can't be avoided.

Some things in life just don't have a painless sloution. You just have to endure it, feel the pain, recover and then go along.

I am sorry for what is happening, but reality is there for every one of us.

I wish you the best in dealing with it....

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post #32 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-20-2015, 12:10 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Something I hear Tim Russert did for his father. I did something similar for my dad before he passed away this year.

Have you and your siblings if you have any each write down 25-50 reasons why you love your dad and read it to him while he is lying there.

Of all the precious things that you can give him, the most important things are the memories you have as a family. He will cherish that more than anything and it will give you something to be proud of. The grief will come and it will knock your knees out from under you, but you have to realize that your father will be with God and what you are grieving for is yourself.

Your dad does not want you to feel sorry for yourself so keep that in mind and you will have closure. It will help the pain.

God bless. I went through it with both my parents last year.
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post #33 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-25-2015, 04:53 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I'm so sorry to read of your dad's passing. My dear dad passed away from stomach cancer 2.5 years ago. Like some others here, my faith also helped enormously. My dad also had a faith and came to accept his imminent death and said "I know where I'm going."

At Dad's funeral, the minister gave a beautiful service. I remember he said that our life here is just the title page....chapter 1 begins in Heaven. That gave me a lot of comfort and I hope it brings you comfort as well.
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post #34 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-27-2015, 01:21 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I am so deeply sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my mother when I was 18, then my father one week shy of a year after on Thanksgiving, both due to heart attacks. Nobody can ever prepare you for such a loss. No matter the situation. My father, like yours was/is from a huge family (14). Let them surround you in memories & love. Family will help you through this tough time.

Keep your memories close to your heart & share them as often as you can so they are forever imbedded in your loved one's minds and repeated for years to come. My children never had the opportunity to meet their grandparents, but I know that they love & admire them based on their reactions to the memories that I share with them. Wishing you peace and prayers.

It takes a second to say I love you, but a lifetime to show it
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post #35 of 48 (permalink) Old 02-27-2015, 12:47 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Many thanks to all you great folks that have taken the time to post! Your words are very comforting.
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post #36 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-04-2015, 06:51 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Karole...to add my penny worth.....Although your fathers passing was inevitable it must still hurt.

I am quite sure you are feeling dreadful...but please believe me it WILL get better. The tears WILL stop, the feeling of resentment WILL stop, the feeling that you could have done more WILL stop....slowly you will accept your Daddy's passing and you WILL start to remember him with a smile not a tear.

I promise.
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post #37 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-11-2015, 06:43 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I lost my brother, my mother, and my father in the span of 3 years. I know how hard it is. Be glad you were close with him so that you don't have regret. Be glad you were close with him so you have fond memories.

It does get easier. My father passed last year and while I do dream about him often, his passing doesn't affect me. But he was the last of the three, so I had become accustomed to what it feels like.
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post #38 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-19-2015, 07:42 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Karole,

I'm sorry to hear about your father's passing. I'm a little late to the party, but I just saw this for the first time this morning.

I lost my father 2.5 years ago after multiple ailments caught up with him. I have been surrounded by the funeral industry all my life and my Dad had not been in good health for so long that I thought I would be fully prepared for it. The answer to your question is you can never prepare for it.

After he died, I thought I would be able to handle it because I had lived it in my mind over and over again for so long. I felt I had to be the rock for my mom and sister. I was, but while I was doing this, I was not properly grieving. This caused me to build up anger and take it out on my daughter and wife. It almost cost me my marriage.

I advise joining a support group or go to IC, even if it's for only 2 to 3 visits just to make sure you are in a good place.

Even though Dad has been physically gone for 2.5 years, I know he's still around. Not in a creepy way. I am now a big believer in the power of spirit. I can feel my father's presence and some unexplainable things have happened that I know he probably had something to do with. My father was always a jokester.

I'm sure your father is still around you too. When you are driving home from work, that time you used to talk to him, continue to talk to him. He's listening. He's watching over you. He's guiding you. He always will.
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post #39 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-22-2015, 01:10 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Karole, I'm so sorry to learn of your Dad's passing. Both of my parents are gone. My father suddenly, my mother very slowly. The best we can hope for is a good death.

Before I die, let me be here long enough to do what I need to do, say what I need to say, and love those who need my love.

Clearly, you Dad had a good death. Those hospice people are fantastic aren't they?

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post #40 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-27-2015, 10:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Thank you Anon! So sorry for your losses as well.

Yes, the hospice folks were fantastic. Hospice made sure my dad had everything he needed. His doctor even came to visit him a couple of times at my sister's house. I am very appreciative for what nurses and doctors do - not just for their patients, but also for their patient's families.

I'm thankful my dad maintained his sharp, witty mind and great sense of humor throughout his illness. He loved to tell us stories of his childhood and he was telling us stories up until a week before he died. The last 3 or 4 days, he couldn't really speak, but he was moving his lips and smiling, so I think he was still telling his stories, we just couldn't understand him. My life has a big empty space since daddy passed and I will miss him every day. But, I'm so very thankful I was fortunate enough to have the loving father that I did and was was fortunate enough to be able to care for him in his last days.

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post #41 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-30-2015, 07:03 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Karole and to all who have posted on this thread, my deepest and most sincere sympathies to everyone who has lost someone. I know many people say the only thing more difficult than losing a parent is losing a child. Growing up we view our parents as these larger than life, ever resilient, super heroes. We think we will have them forever. I will never forget being in school and hearing that one of my classmates dad's passed away suddenly in a car accident and I could not fathom the pain she felt. I could only imagine what she was going through, and her family.

We lost my grandfather over 2 years ago, and he practically raised my sister and I. He was the toughest man I have ever met, but also the most kind and loving to his family. He was in the Marine corps in WW2 , to this day I can't believe he is gone.

My mom just was diagnosed with a rare form of breast cancer ( triple negative). She starts chemotherapy this week and she is terrified of it, she does not do well with medications of any kind. She is 63 years old, she has two young grandsons who adore her ( my sisters 2 year old and 4 year old). I can't believe this is happening to our family. I know how it felt to lose my grandfather and it did hurt , but the concept of losing my mother terrifies me. She is the closest person I have in my life and really in terms of family, all I really have. I am trying to reconnect with my sister, but she has her own family now, perhaps my mother being terminally ill might bring my sister and I closer together. I feel this intense array of emotions right now and I am feeling very much alone with coping with this.
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post #42 of 48 (permalink) Old 03-31-2015, 03:53 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Thank you Soveryalone. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I hope your mother responds well to her treatment. Thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
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post #43 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-07-2015, 02:04 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I'm truly very sorry. I lost my Grand-father due to bone cancer. While he wasn't my immediate father, he and my Grand-mother raised me for the first six years of my life.
My parents were in and out of rehab and trying to get their lives together, and even when they were stable enough to have me in their custody, my grand-parents still remained very involved.
I always considered my Grand-father to be my real father as he was more involved with me and my life.
I had a few months to prepare myself. In that time, I spent almost all of my time with him. Expressing my appreciation toward him, thanking him and always telling him I loved him.
I don't think you can really prepare yourself because it'll still be heart wrenching when you get the call. I was lucky enough to hold his hand and tell him I loved him as I and the rest of my family watched him pass.
And after that, I reminded myself everyday that Grandpa wasn't suffering anymore. I reminded myself that he was in a better place free of suffering watching over me and protecting me. And to this day, I still pray to him and talk to him. He gave me a ring that was engraved with the word strength because he believed me to be full of strength and to this day, I still wear it.

You can't stop loved ones from passing. All you can do is make sure that you tell the ones you love how much you love them, and don't let them forget it.

You, your father and the rest of your family are in my prayers. Take good, gentle care of yourself.
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post #44 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-11-2015, 09:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Father's Day is going to be very sad this year without my dad. Every year, my brother, sister and I would have a cook-out/pool party at my house on Father's Day. One of daddy's favorite things in the world was for our family to get together. The more people that came, the happier he'd be. He grew up in a huge family (had 11 brothers and sisters), so he enjoyed everyone getting together. My siblings and I have decided to go forward with the cookout this year. We will spend the day having fun and talking about and remembering daddy. I know he will be looking down and proud that we are continuing to enjoy being a family.
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post #45 of 48 (permalink) Old 06-11-2015, 09:30 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Quote:
Originally Posted by karole View Post
My father is very ill. He's had health problems for many years, but those problems have really escalated the past six months. He's staying at my sister's house and my brother, sister and I take turns staying with him at night. We have a sitter with him during the day so we can work. I thought we had lost him last Friday as he took a turn for the worse, but somehow, he improved slightly on Saturday. Watching my dad deteriorate has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I'm not ready to lose him, but I know the time is coming, and, in all likelihood, it won't be very long. How in the world do you prepare yourself for that?
I prepared myself by speaking my peace with my father. My peace meaning telling him what a good father he is and appreciating he did for me and my family. I wanted him to know he did a stellar job raising me.

I was not so lucky to speak with my mom. She was found on the kitchen floor unresponsive.

My MIL passed with cancer at age 50. We had a year with her doing our best to make it great as we could. Hospice and care at home.

MY FIL passed at age 55 with cancer. Did what we could but kind of checked out after his W passes 5 years prior.

It is tough all around.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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