Losing a parent............. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-20-2015, 03:30 PM Thread Starter
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Losing a parent.............

My father is very ill. He's had health problems for many years, but those problems have really escalated the past six months. He's staying at my sister's house and my brother, sister and I take turns staying with him at night. We have a sitter with him during the day so we can work. I thought we had lost him last Friday as he took a turn for the worse, but somehow, he improved slightly on Saturday. Watching my dad deteriorate has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with. I'm not ready to lose him, but I know the time is coming, and, in all likelihood, it won't be very long. How in the world do you prepare yourself for that?

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post #2 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-20-2015, 07:29 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Karole, I have not dealt with what you are going through yet. I don't even know how you prepare yourself. I just wanted to send you hugs. I think what you and your siblings are doing for your dad is so great.
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post #3 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-20-2015, 07:56 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I lost my father almost 3 years ago after a long illness, so we knew it was coming. He and I were very close, he used to call me at all hours of the night to talk and I'd pick up.

The only advice I can give is to make sure you say whatever you need to say, and tell him that whenever he needs to go you'll miss him but everything will be ok.

We all have to go, and loved ones often need to peace of knowing they'll be missed but everyone will be ok.

I told mine that he should go because he was suffering, and told him to check out the next world because I'd be joining him after I watched my kids and grandkids grow up. He passed that night. I still think about him all the time.

I'm sorry.
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post #4 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-20-2015, 08:28 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

My dad died after a 3 month fight with cancer and I agree say what you need/want, all of you.

On the other hand my 1st wife died in the blink of an eye. And I’ve lost many others close to me.

There is nothing to do that can prepare you.

My only advice is this. Tomorrow is going to arrive no matter what happens today.

I went through the motions of life for nearly a year after Betsy. Faking it until I made it.

After dad there was work my brother I had to do, take care of mom and hiding dad’s 40 year affair we just found out about.

My thoughts are with you and your family
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post #5 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 01:01 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I can tell you the only thing worse is losing a child. Be there for him is my advice. For me that was very important.

I lost my mother 18 months ago to a 22 month battle with cancer. The last 4 or so were the roughest.
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post #6 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 08:56 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

karole,

I've lost both of my parents to long term illness. Its a terrible thing to lose someone who has been a constant in your entire life. Its been a few years now and it does get better with time but I still miss them terribly and even talk to them when I'm doing things that remind me of things we did together (don't tell anyone... ) I think of it as a wound that heals but never completely goes away. When my mother died I found a warm and loving letter she had written to her father long after his death.

As others have said, tell him you love him, thank him for loving you etc. It sounds like he has people who love him and hopefully he's led a full life. Its all we can hope for.

Last edited by Shoto1984; 01-21-2015 at 11:58 AM.
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post #7 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 10:13 AM
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Losing a parent.............

I lost my father 15 months ago. Say what you need to say while he still can communicate. Mine passed from dementia and he didn't have the capacity to understand for the last three months. He recognized us but that was about it.

So sorry that you are going through this.

I don't think you can be prepared, though.
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post #8 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 10:14 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Hi Karole,

I don't know how one prepares for that, but I will say that you are very lucky you are able to spend time with him before he goes. Cherish every moment.

Hugs.
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post #9 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 10:15 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Quote:
Originally Posted by VermisciousKnid View Post
I lost my father 15 months ago. Say what you need to say while he still can communicate.
I like this advice.

Sorry for your loss, Vermiscious.
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post #10 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Thank you all so very much!! My dad is an absolutely wonderful man and I could not have asked for a better father. My siblings and I are taking care of him the best we can. He is on hospice care, so we have help from them too. We have a huge family, so we have help and daddy has lots of visitors. I am so thankful for each and every one of them. I stayed with him last night and he told me if he felt like it, he wanted to go home this weekend, so we are gonna try to make that happen if at all possible. I know he misses his home. His mind is still as sharp as ever, so we are able to talk to him just like always. I agree with the posters who said to talk to him and say the things we want to say. I try to do that every day. He tells us he loves us every night before he goes to sleep and every time we leave him. He's always been that way. I will miss him telling me, "I love you Little Doll." I'm 51 years old and he still calls me his "Little Doll." LOL!

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post #11 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 11:20 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I have been there as a 15 year-old. The hardest part is not having control over the situation. You have to accept that sometimes you are powerless. Just make every moment count as much as possible. It hurt a lot for me, when my father was in a lot of pain and did not recognize me anymore. It was hard for my mother to pull the plug, but the suffering was too great. As a 15 year-old, i would hope for a cure,, I wish I was more intelligent and came up with a solution, and I hated myself, that I was not more than I was. I think people go through it differently. Next month is the 11th anniversary of his death. Sad to say though, death does become easier to deal with as you go through it more often. I think it becomes easier to accept over time. I lost a few uncles, an aunt, a few cousins, and a couple of friends over the years.

My father wanted to go home before he died, but it was not possible. My mother had his casket go by the home before he was buried. I wish we could have given him that.

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post #12 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 11:24 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Quote:
Originally Posted by karole View Post
I will miss him telling me, "I love you Little Doll." I'm 51 years old and he still calls me his "Little Doll." LOL!
Nothing like a father's love for his daughter. (Good fathers, that is, lol). That is really sweet.
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post #13 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-21-2015, 08:54 PM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Hi Karole,

My condolences for what you are going through right now.

I lost my mother when I was thirteen. Although I was so young, I had to spend much of my formative years as her prime caretaker and even failed the seventh grade due to lack of attendance in school as a result of doing so. So being a caretaker to a dying parent is something I do relate with. Young or old being put into the position to care for your parents is stressful and heartbreaking. I don't think age - young nor old makes it easier, having witnessed close friends lose their parents in their adult hoods. Loving a parent is not something one "grows out" of.

My father-in-law is currently taking care of his mother who has dementia. I know it isn't easy on him but he is very independent/stubborn and doesn't seek help.

One thing I would consider is looking for a hospice organization in your area. They may have a weekly support group filled with people that understand what you are going through. I know the main hospice in my area has groups like this and counseling for caretakers and grief counseling for bereaved family members as I am currently in the application process to work as a volunteer through my local organization.

"Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger wind, the stronger trees." ~ Douglas Malloch
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post #14 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 07:27 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

Karole....altough I am 50, I still have two relatively healthy parents so I can only imagine what you are going through.

There is no set 'plan' as to what to do or how you will feel. I had one Grandparent, my Grandma. I loved her to bits...she was a very typical Grandma...buying me sweets on the quiet, giving me extra pocket money etc.
I arrived at her bedside about five minutes after she died (in a care home).....I have often thought 'if only I left home 5 minutes earlier...if only I had driven a bit faster' etc...but to this day I have never shed a tear over her death (12 years ago).
Had being a cop for 15 years toughened me up to such a degree that I could detatch myself from the reality of it?

I hope I am more 'human' when it comes to my parents! I should be as I stopped being a cop 10 years ago!

We all react differently...all I can suggest is that YOU do what YOU feel is the best thing for YOU.
The sad reality is that your Dad is the one going, nothing will change that. Obviously make him feel loved etc but remember that you still have the remainder of you life to get on with.

Someone once said to me; Don't mourn a death, celebrate a life.
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post #15 of 48 (permalink) Old 01-29-2015, 07:37 AM
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Re: Losing a parent.............

I was in my early thirties when my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. I don't know which is worse....losing someone with no warning (either heart attack, accident, suicide) or having to watch them suffer and losing them slowly . Both are truly awful. All I can say is that the pain of it does lessen, and your sad moments lessen and the happy memories replace them. Not that you won't have sad moments....just yesterday I was crying about him during IC and it's been 8 years.

If you eventually start having dreams about your dad, that will also be a huge gift .

{{Hugs}}
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