When it's Death and Not Divorce...
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Dealing with Grief and Loss » When it's Death and Not Divorce...

Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

Like Tree1Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 08-29-2007, 09:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 61
Default When it's Death and Not Divorce...

What do you think the differences are between grieving over a loss through
divorce (especially if the partner was loved previously) and a loss through
the death of a partner? By the same token, how are the two exactly
alike?
katharina is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 09-01-2007, 02:52 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 57
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

I think (some of) the difference is, when a loved one dies, we tend to remember the good things about them and the times we shared with them. When we do happen to think about the not so good parts, we forgive more easily because there's nothing at that point that can be done to change them. Also, although the loss, whether sudden, or after a long illness, still hurts like hell, it's a cleaner break so to say. There's no chance that you're going to run into them on the street and have all the initial saddness from losing them come rushing back. I know we'll find pictures of the person, or a favorite article of clothing, etc...but that's not quite the same as seeing them somewhere, especially if it's an (ex)spouse with another love interest!!

But I do think there are similarities in the feeling of extreme loss in divorce. In fact, I think divorce is worse because it can be very long and drawn out and you still feel like you want to fix whatever it is that went wrong.

Does that make any sense?
JustMe is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-03-2007, 08:47 AM   #3 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 61
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

Quote:
Originally Posted by JustMe View Post
I think (some of) the difference is, when a loved one dies, we tend to remember the good things about them and the times we shared with them. When we do happen to think about the not so good parts, we forgive more easily because there's nothing at that point that can be done to change them. Also, although the loss, whether sudden, or after a long illness, still hurts like hell, it's a cleaner break so to say. There's no chance that you're going to run into them on the street and have all the initial saddness from losing them come rushing back. I know we'll find pictures of the person, or a favorite article of clothing, etc...but that's not quite the same as seeing them somewhere, especially if it's an (ex)spouse with another love interest!!

But I do think there are similarities in the feeling of extreme loss in divorce. In fact, I think divorce is worse because it can be very long and drawn out and you still feel like you want to fix whatever it is that went wrong.

Does that make any sense?
It makes perfect sense and was an excellent answer.
I think you're right... death is so final that we're forced
to close it up but with divorce, there's a whole future
that we can't "control" or even predict.
katharina is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 10-30-2007, 02:12 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Doubt&Wonder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Florida
Posts: 70
Lightbulb Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))))


After loosing my only daughter at the young tender age of 10 - I can honestly say that TIME, FAMILY & FRIENDS that support and listen well are the best way to over come the loss of a loved one.

And - NEVER forget to CRY when you feel the NEED......... even if it is years later.



((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))))
Doubt&Wonder is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-18-2007, 03:51 PM   #5 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 44
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

I think it is a completely different kind of loss. When you lose someone from death. it is something that you are not prepared for.
riskey58 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-03-2007, 09:14 AM   #6 (permalink)
Tag
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 14
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

Separation by death is like forever, you can never tell the person you love them, etc. Divorce...well, there's always a chance you'll run into the ex somewhere or the other.
Tag is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 12-04-2007, 02:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 153
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

I guess it would just in some ways depend on how the divorce played out. I mean if it was something that you may not have wanted it could feel like you have lost someone forever. But in the end I would have to say that to me death is usually sudden and not wanted at all. There is no going back with death.
tater03 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-10-2008, 03:00 PM   #8 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 124
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

My aunt and uncle were on the verge of divorce for the longest time. They simply couldn't get on without each other, and so they divorced after like thirty five years of marriage. My uncle, who was always a bit of a drinker, started getting arrested for drunk driving, and started being drunk all the time; five years later he died of respiratory and liver issues. Everyone had come to the realization that he'd basically died of a broken heart over the divorce. My aunt, who had basically just been mad at him the whole time, totally went over the brink at his funeral, wailing and freaking out. I think that was about the saddest thing I'd ever seen, seeing that it was too late for them to reconcile.
mollyL is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-14-2008, 07:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 104
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

I think that in the case of an unwanted divorce, you can keep picking at the scab if you'll excuse the term. It's possible to keep revisiting old ground and thus keep the wound open. It's possible to keep unlikely dreams alive when the object of them is also alive.

Green-Moo
Green-Moo is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 02-15-2008, 05:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
Member
 
sarahdale24's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chula Vista, CA
Posts: 123
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

I think it's a complete difference. I've been through both a divorce and a death of a loved one.
__________________
"I'd rather have three minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special" from the movie 'Steel Magnolias'
sarahdale24 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 11-28-2010, 11:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

It's completely different feeling yes. Strangely enough I can cope better with he fact my friend will die then my husband divorced me.

But then again, my friend didn't die yet. And that's like hurting me every second in life now too. Cause he's so dear to me. And I still think he can't be taken away from me.

I met Georges just on line you know. Same as my ex-husband. And in both cases it really felt really ok in the beginning.

I know already how it feels when getting divorced, and I'm still not over it. I still think in a way it's not over yet.

I already know losing someone who dies feels different. And I'm so afraid of all the feelings that will follow soon. But for now I know he loves me and will for as long as he lives. And he'll live for ever in my heart. Maybe it gives me the comfort to make myself strong if I talk to him and tell jokes. And being a religious person helps in this case.
GrietJa is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-11-2011, 07:16 PM   #12 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 1
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

I lost my first wife to cancer! she was only 30 yrs old and it was hell watching her deteriorate and die! But you know its coming, you know there's nothing you can do. The worst thing is knowing that the kids will never know her (Max was 4 and Maddison was 2) but you deal with it because you have to and closure is easier because you know that there is nothing you can do, whats not easier is the aftermath and sudden knowledge that you will never hold kiss or feel the one you love ever again, for me i coped for a while and even got a job but one day it fell apart and i fell apart in a big way and nearly lost everything by going off the rails!

Since then i have rebuilt my life, re-married and now have 4 children, 2 step and my 2! and that brings a whole new strain on life. Atm i am not 100% sure that our marriage is going to survive because of my wife and my mum not seeing eye to eye and the kids, especially the boys having problems getting on. This scares me more than losing my first wife, that i could not control but this i feel i can but whatever i do does not work, i love my current wife more than i can possibly say but the thought of it going wrong and losing her and divorce etc i know i cant deal with, the thought of her still being around and making a life without me would kill me because i will always think i could of done more!

Hopefully this wont happen, i know i will survive if it does and do my best but the thought that i could (and still can) of saved it will eat at me forever, death gives a definate closure divorce never does.
artwizard is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-15-2011, 06:15 AM   #13 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 91
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

When you love someone, both of these scenarios are devastating to the heart. Grief and sorrow can be so complex, very personal. To me, the depth of loss cannot be measured by the 'how' or 'why' and 'when'. It is the journey of feeling the significance of your life with vulnerability... and the significance of those around you.
CoffeeTime is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-17-2011, 11:21 PM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
southbound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 1,985
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

I feel like death is actually more natural. Death is something that everyone will face, and if a spouse passes away, the two part on good terms and no memories are tarnished.

When someone divorces, especially after several years, it's a very strange feeling. All at once, this person that you created a life bond with, made love to, and had children with, no longer wants you. It's the twilight zone.
southbound is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-19-2011, 04:12 PM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Jellybeans's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 19,847
Default Re: When it's Death and Not Divorce...

Quote:
Originally Posted by southbound View Post
I feel like death is actually more natural. Death is something that everyone will face, and if a spouse passes away, the two part on good terms and no memories are tarnished.

When someone divorces, especially after several years, it's a very strange feeling. All at once, this person that you created a life bond with, made love to, and had children with, no longer wants you. It's the twilight zone.
Great post
Jellybeans is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Death Threat??!!! Kekela Going Through Divorce or Separation 21 11-02-2012 01:39 PM
Affairs and death? Justadude Coping with Infidelity 10 08-14-2012 12:55 PM
Death ScaredandUnsure The Social Spot 11 06-22-2012 07:17 PM
How would you go about death during early seperation/divorce? Heartbroken007 Going Through Divorce or Separation 1 04-12-2011 02:12 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:30 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.