Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #31 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 12:39 AM
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From what's been written in these pages, I can't see how this can end well for you. Obviously this bothers the hell out of you or you wouldn't be writing here. Seems you are getting mainly politically correct advice (Love / support her more as she sh*ts on you) that won't help you squat. Things are not improving because it is what it is - the dead boyfriend is her man & you are a meal ticket for her & bringing up their child. Doesn't matter what you think or how much love you feel or profess. I believe that the term is "Beta Provider". It crops up now & then on this website. Have a look for it & understand it. Meanwhile, get out while you are not in too deep bro. But you probably won't because it's not in your nature.


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post #32 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 07:51 AM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by Letterman2810 View Post
How do u establish boundaries without being accused of being controlling or jealous of a deadman or insecure?
You don't set boundaries with that goal in mind because it's used as a weapon to dodge the issue, shut down discussion, and force you to back down.

You really should think about whether you want to exist as a provider who lives in the shadow of a sainted dirtbag who can now do no wrong.
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post #33 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 08:25 AM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by Letterman2810 View Post
How do u establish boundaries without being accused of being controlling or jealous of a deadman or insecure?
Because you now longer give a s%$t about being called jealous and controlling because you have every flipping right to be jealous and controlling. That is classic cheater's behavior shifting the focus from her bad behavior to your very much appropriate reaction. Don't let her do that to you.
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post #34 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 10:39 AM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

Put another way, being accused of being controlling/jealous/insecure should be expected, and taken for exactly what it is: a ploy to make you back off your boundaries. Why do you care if she "accuses" you of those things? What if you are? Does that make the situation any different? Are your feelings and viewpoints important in any part of the marriage, or just ignored on this issue?

You might respond with asking why she feels the need to be a deadbeat Dad's widow all of a sudden, while simultaneously alienating the GOOD man in her life. If you're not being acknowledged/respected for all that you do - why are you still there? The "fog"-like situation she finds herself in may take drastic measures from you to shake her out of it. It's clear from the picture you paint so far (if it is accurate) that she takes you entirely for granted. Under what circumstances would she accept being called a "baby" when she brings up a complaint? Consider that for just a moment. It should make your blood boil. If it doesn't - there's probably not much anyone here can do for you, and you should seek individual counseling.
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post #35 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 12:58 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
The opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference. She always had feelings for him. She never truly moved on. His death and the manner in which he died caused her to feel guilty and brought those feelings and distortions into the light of day. He had some problems that weren't his fault and likely led to his decision to refuse to fight for his rights as a father. He may have known and just could not commit to the responsibilities that go along with being a father. He likely couldn't handle the pressure, and offered what he could. She needs to talk to a professional to work through all of her mixed feelings. She needs support.
"He had some problems that weren't his fault"???

Did you know this guy?

Otherwise, I never got a hint of that in the language of the Poster.

Sounds to me like he was a voluntary selfish irresponsible and immature bum. I know of quite a few like that. Mainly men (I am a male) but also a few women.

Yes, seeing a therapist would be beneficial for her... and him.

Otherwise he should continue in a very positive role so that as her fog lifts and she also remembers the (more frequent) bad times and that Mr. Immature is gone anyway, she'll see her true knight in shining armor has been there in full support mode... especially if her daughter continues seeing him as her true Dad.
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post #36 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:12 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
"Actually giving her more attention then I give my own two."

Please rectify this situation.

As difficult as it may be, biting your tongue is the best course for now. She's probably in shock & doesn't want to be seen as talking ill of the dead.

I certainly wouldn't tolerate being treated like the bad guy, though. Boundaries and all.

Not sure if I grasped his Posting correctly or not. I see where he indicates that she is CURRENTLY looking at her ex different from reality (shocking death, suicide yet, and all), and I see (rightfully so) where the Poster feels hurt by that CURRENT attitude, I don't see where she had been treating him (the Poster) like a "bad guy".

I think that with time those post-death good memories (and probably enhanced at that) will fade and reality (and ALL the memories - including the more numerous bad ones) will return.

And that if the Poster continues being the Good Guy, that she'll see the example of those real memories contrasted with the good guy that she has - and that her daughter is very strongly attached to.
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post #37 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:17 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
You got that idea from the police thread, didn't you? It's a shame that you can't see it's different points of view rather than lies and distortions. Many are influenced by others, not just social media. Social media is less reliable because it usually only involves opinions with little facts to back them. Never believe opinions alone are the only reality. There are many and the best are backed by facts and reality.

I think he does need to consider this when he thinks of her feelings. Though, like another member posted, don't let her cross boundaries. There is a limit to what can be accepted without doing harm to a relationship, and, it's really her problem and she needs counseling with some support from you.


Huh?

Did I miss something?

This was in reference to.....
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post #38 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:20 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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The deceased is being martyred. Soon Sainthood will be bestowed.

You are staying in this relationship because...?


Hmmmm.....

Maybe because he feels deep down that this is a temporary aberration and that she does love him - and that he dearly loves her???
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post #39 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:21 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

Personally I think your W is enjoying the attention and drama this has wrought. I have seen many who pile on the grieving and whoa is me for the deceased they barely knew.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #40 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:23 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by MarriedToTheOne View Post
Hmmmm.....

Maybe because he feels deep down that this is a temporary aberration and that she does love him - and that he dearly loves her???
It appears it is not a temporary aberration. The sainthood has been bestowed.


“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #41 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:28 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by GusPolinski View Post
How clearly have you communicated this to her?

My wife is currently dealing w/ a similar issue, though sort of "in reverse", if you will. Her father passed away recently. The guy could be -- and, more often that not, to be honest, was -- a real bastard, and she's having a hard time dealing w/ the fact that much of her family (mostly her aunts, along w/ some of her half-siblings and cousins, HIS friends, and -- to a lesser degree -- her mother) is all too ready to overlook all of that.

As she's the oldest of his seven children, she's had a front-row seat to ALL of it for much of her life, and she's really struggling w/ the dichotomy.

Your situation with your deceased father-in-law sounds exactly like mine! Fortunately (in my case) the mother had passed a few years previously (and knew his behavioral problems) and most of the children (my wife and her siblings) REMEMBERED the bad stuff as well as the (much less frequent) good.
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post #42 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:34 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
I disagree.

I say pull way back. There is supporting the one you love, and then there is letting yourself get trampled on. She's not going to sway from the direction she is going. Don't make anymore long term plans with her. Start living for yourself.

I don't trust this woman. The more you describe her the more immature, selfish and narcissistic she comes across. She seems to like drama, she wants to be the center of attention, she is going to make her ex's family sit up and take notice of her come hell or high water. It seems like it is all more about her than her ex. I think the reason your family is getting bent out of shape is because they see things for what they really are. You are being exploited and they are trying to show you that.

You need to stop now and stay out of her business with this. You are becoming obsessed with it and it makes you look weak. Read Glover's No More Mr. nice Guy and apply its principles. Detach. I see some codependent traits in you and it might benefit you to get some counseling for it.


Not only disagree, but strongly disagree.

Glover's book is a narcissistic POS.... IMO.

The family is expressing their own opinions, not using psychological ploys to "show him he's being exploited".
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post #43 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:36 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

Have D papers drawn up and put them in front of her.

Tell her you don't believe she loves you by her actions.

Tell her you understand the mistake she made by latching onto you when she was in need.

Be cool and emotionless as you inform her she can go get herself another loser as soon as she signs.

Make her earn you back or say by.

You are a beta provider.
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post #44 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:40 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Have D papers drawn up and put them in front of her.

Tell her you don't believe she loves you by her actions.

Tell her you understand the mistake she made by latching onto you when she was in need.

Be cool and emotionless as you inform her she can go get herself another loser as soon as she signs.

Make her earn you back or say by.

You are a beta provider.
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Show her you value yourself too much to be treated like an after thought.
The longer you put this off it won't get better.
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post #45 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:44 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
Have D papers drawn up and put them in front of her.

Tell her you don't believe she loves you by her actions.

Tell her you understand the mistake she made by latching onto you when she was in need.

Be cool and emotionless as you inform her she can go get herself another loser as soon as she signs.

Make her earn you back or say by.

You are a beta provider.
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Agreed.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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