Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself - Page 4 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #46 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 01:46 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

You can't compete with a dead guy.

So stop trying.

Your wife knows how you feel and what it's doing to you. Yet... she doesn't care. Because she's overcome with grief, with "what if's"... and one of those is likely "what if I had stayed with him maybe my love for him and having a daughter would have kept him alive."

Let her go through it. Support her when she comes to you.

And yet... be distant. She knows the deal; grief can make you selfish. And she is being selfish.

Be there for your daughter. Spend time with her. It's confusing to her; focus on her. Be the rock. She has one dad that is alive and that she knows; and it's you.

For your wife, be a shoulder to cry on. But no more than that. If she's worth being your wife when she's dealt with the grief, she will realize that she's damaged her marriage and act accordingly.

If not...

She was never really yours to begin with.

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post #47 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:06 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by EVG39 View Post
Letterman,
I wrote my post some time ago and I am sorry that things still haven't gotten any better. I was kind of afraid of that. When I wrote earlier I referred to your wife as an "alpha Widow". Literally. Here is what I meant in detail.
Rollo Tomassi, of Rational Male, laid out a concept of an "alpha widow". This is a woman who sleeps with alphas in her 20s and, as a result, refuses to "compromise" for a beta male later on (or does so, grudgingly). This is true even in the case (and is mostly the case) where the alpha male discards the woman unceremoniously after he has his way with her. She still holds him above all others whatever his poor behavior and pines over him, sometimes for decades.
His death was a trigger for her for sure but I suspect this is what was beneath the surface all along. The death just brought it out in the open. Your exemplary behaviors which I and others on this board find good and decent just reminded her your "betaness" as compared to the dead alpha. Especially highlighted by the fact that you are willing to support and raise the alpha's child. You would think she would be grateful. And maybe she appeared to be on the outside but on a subconscious level I think she believed it to be an open acknowledgement by you of your inferiority. I know this is harsh. I know it sounds very primitive. And I hate saying but it just seems so true in your case that I think it important that you understand what you are dealing with so you can deal with her with eyes wide open.
Sorry, but I don't know if its fixable or even if you should try and fix it. I would start thinking about all my options.

And to many people (myself included), this is simply a Manosphere conceptual myth! Does it ever happen? Sure (and BOTH ways... as many married men likely pine over that ****ty 19 year old sex queen from their youth as women do over, ahem, "alpha males")... but NOT a lot. Not a lot even in cases of relationships gone bad.

The Tool-Maker: Exposing the Myth Of The Alpha Male (Guest Post by Ferrum) | Just Four Guys

http://aaronsleazy.blogspot.com/2013...-carousel.html

Though I am sure individuals on this forum have experienced such a situation, it doesn't make it a norm in relationship problems.
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post #48 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:09 PM
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post #49 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:43 PM Thread Starter
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I had a long talk w her last night about moving forward. I asked her what's the goal here by bringing the family of my daughter's dead father into my daughter's life at this junction. I asked is it for our daughter or is is for the family to help with their grieving.
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post #50 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:44 PM Thread Starter
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post #51 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:45 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

Yeah right....

Naw, I think she is using you as an ATM. I don't see much love or respect there.
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post #52 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:46 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by Letterman2810 View Post
She said its for the family.
So she's using your daughter to help a group of dysfunctional adults that are already hitting you up for money.

The appropriate response, if she is in fact your daughter is "no."

If she overrides that, she's not your daughter. You're either her parent or your not.

Best to clarify that.
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post #53 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 02:58 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by MarriedToTheOne View Post
And to many people (myself included), this is simply a Manosphere conceptual myth! Does it ever happen? Sure (and BOTH ways... as many married men likely pine over that ****ty 19 year old sex queen from their youth as women do over, ahem, "alpha males")... but NOT a lot. Not a lot even in cases of relationships gone bad.

The Tool-Maker: Exposing the Myth Of The Alpha Male (Guest Post by Ferrum) | Just Four Guys

http://aaronsleazy.blogspot.com/2013...-carousel.html

Though I am sure individuals on this forum have experienced such a situation, it doesn't make it a norm in relationship problems.
Going to have to completely and utterly disagree with this; nothing like a solid chunk of Just World Fallacy for the afternoon:

Quote:
You don’t get laid unless you please a woman in some fashion. She has to approve of your appearance, smell, word skills, income bracket, etc. So the guy that gets laid a lot is, in real-world terms, the guy that serves a woman’s needs as the woman sees it. If you want to look at it from a strictly animalistic point of view, the guy that gets laid a lot isn’t so much an alpha male, but a stud animal. He was chosen for breeding because of his physical characteristics, no different than a horse or steer.
Alpha by any other name is still Alpha.

Also, Alpha Males are not Roided-Up Dude-Brahs who neg.

They are confident, fit, and dominant individuals who lead by example.

And there are enough example of straight up Alpha Widow BS (this whole thread is a case in point) to point out that, while it may not be common, it is common enough to be considered.

Personally, I would not abide this situation, whatsoever.

Your wife needs to grieve, that is fine.

But what she is doing is beyond grieving; it is selfish, it is damaging your marriage, and it is communicating a level of disdain for you which is unacceptable.

It is time for you to take charge of this situation and lay down some ground rules.

Because the moment she begins involving a group of dysfunctional adults (who serve no purpose but to maintain her emotional connection to the ex-BF) which effect both your marriage and your daughter's life that is game over.
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post #54 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 03:13 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by Letterman2810 View Post
She said its for the family.
It might be to help with grieving but don't you think the daughter should know and interact with the family?

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #55 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 03:16 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

Letterman it's been about two months right?
I feel for you but it's time to put your foot down.

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post #56 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 03:45 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by Letterman2810 View Post
How do u establish boundaries without being accused of being controlling or jealous of a deadman or insecure?
You can't control her but can control what you'll tolerate. You have to value yourself. I sense you're a nice guy with low self esteem. It's time for you to work on yourself. If she wants to come along for the ride good, if not, you're prepare yourself for the next woman.

By the disrespectful way she treated your concerns tells me she's an alpha widow and sees you as a beta for your resources only. These types of woman will kick a beta to the curb in a second. Doesn't matter that her daughter will suffer. Why? Because there's always another thirsty beta waiting to play captain save a ho.

She may be snapped out of the fog that she has for the bio dad but that will only happen if she see's a strong version of you pulling away.
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post #57 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 03:53 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by MarriedToTheOne View Post
Not sure if I grasped his Posting correctly or not. I see where he indicates that she is CURRENTLY looking at her ex different from reality (shocking death, suicide yet, and all), and I see (rightfully so) where the Poster feels hurt by that CURRENT attitude, I don't see where she had been treating him (the Poster) like a "bad guy".

I think that with time those post-death good memories (and probably enhanced at that) will fade and reality (and ALL the memories - including the more numerous bad ones) will return.

And that if the Poster continues being the Good Guy, that she'll see the example of those real memories contrasted with the good guy that she has - and that her daughter is very strongly attached to.
See post #1 - 4th sentence from bottom. It isn't my place, nor yours, to tell the OP that his wife isn't treating him like 'the bad guy'.

If this doesn't clear up my statement for you, take it up with the OP.
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post #58 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 05:59 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

my question to her is this....which will bring the bigger grief, the lose of an individual that let you go and then died or the death a marriage if you continue to kill it. then what will she do when it is just her and her daughter.
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post #59 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 10:39 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by Xenote View Post
my question to her is this....which will bring the bigger grief, the lose of an individual that let you go and then died or the death a marriage if you continue to kill it. then what will she do when it is just her and her daughter.
Women only carry torches for the men who broke up with them, left them or abused them. When they dump a guy they move on and forget him like he was yesterday's weather report.

She doesn't care. Simple as that. The OP is a convenience to her for now. Once he is no longer convenient she will drop him like a hot rock.
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post #60 of 62 (permalink) Old 07-31-2015, 10:56 PM
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Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself

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Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Women only carry torches for the men who broke up with them, left them or abused them. When they dump a guy they move on and forget him like he was yesterday's weather report.

She doesn't care. Simple as that. The OP is a convenience to her for now. Once he is no longer convenient she will drop him like a hot rock.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iea803h1GQ0
duh
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