Re: Wife who is grieving over ex who killed himself
It's a tough line to walk- being there for while she experiences the sadness, but not accepting that you are the bad guy. I think it is OK to separate the two with/for her: "I am here for you while you grieve, even though I don't understand it; I am here, I am your husband, I am not the cause of this."
It's a bit different but my ex-fiance died a few years ago. My poor husband was there when I got the call, we were on vacation with my family. He watched as both me, my sister, and my mom broke out into tears. He just gave us all hugs. He didn't blink as we all talked about my ex, the good and the bad. The ex and I didn't end up getting married because he fell into an addiction and never recovered (and in fact, it was the cause of his death.) Husband didn't blink when I drove myself 2 hours each way to sit shiva with the ex's family. And, even though he thinks it's weird, husband is OK with me and our son meeting up with his family on occasion. He is invited if he ever wanted to go, but understandably, it's a little weird for him and he has declined to do so. I can't tell you how much I appreciate him for this.
"If we hurt, we hurt others. If we love....guess what? Easy math, the basics, really. Add love, subtract anger, multiple kindness, divide suffering." Emergent Buddhist.