PSTD from serving in war causing divorces - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 5 (permalink) Old 08-03-2015, 08:19 PM Thread Starter
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Angry PSTD from serving in war causing divorces

Is there anyone who can give me advice of how to stop grieving and let go of the man I was married to before he served multiple deployments since 9/11. He came back the worst from all of them after his last deployment to Iraq. I found myself quickly seeking counseling to deal with his anger, temper, lack of patience, criticalness, and disconnect. I eventually found myself mirroring his behavior to me which if I knew then what I know now is secondary PTSD and it most likely mad things worse and destroyed our marriage. It escalated from verbal abuse to physical anger on objects and then finally physically to me in the car when I was upset with him about learning about a secret bank account he was stashing money in after prior finding out about other financial infidelity. I do suspect he was planning things out to leave me. That really really hurts! I stood by his side and supported him through so much including a lawsuit against the city he worked for due to his job not following USSERA. He has told me he is numb to me. It really hurts that he tells me he isn't attracted to me. He doesn't seem appreciative of all I have done and been through myself over all those years. All of my dreams that I gave up so that he could pursue his to make it up to chief of police in the department as well as lieutenant colonel in the military. After his physical assault on me in the car I chose to get medical treatment the following day because I was still having severe head pain. To make a long story short, the dr called the police to have a mandated domestic abuse report done. I told the truth but stated I didn't want my husband arrested that he needs help but refuses to get any. He reported that I beat myself up to get him jammed up! Of course the state police took his word over mine. I let it go, but somebody out there did not and a month after the incident, which happened on Easter Sunday, there was a reporter who wanted to talk to me about the incident. I told the reporter it was a personal matter and I had children and wouldn't make this public. My husband did the opposite. He did a 20 minute or so interview with the reporter and stated that there was no incident. Of course this caused the reporter or someone else to look more into it to find out which of us was telling the truth. A few months later my husband was arrested by an ADA and will soon have a court date since he pleaded not guilty. My husband is real good at lying and manipulating and has been doing that very well to get my 3 children to want to live with him and not me. He is trying to portray me as being crazy. I am completely distraught at the injustice of where I am after all I have done for my husband and kids. I am getting better at accepting the divorce is inevitable and probably not preventable at all, but I can't accept having my children supporting my husband because they feel bad for him due to the trouble he is in even though he caused it himself, they have a hard time believing it. So not only am I grieving the loss of a marriage that would have still been good if it were not for the war and my husband's military service as well as grieving the potential loss of my children. Being a military spouse if is frowned upon to bad mouth someone who has served, we are expected to be supportive and understanding, but who supports and understands what we are going through and living due to their problems and issues from PTSD. I do feel like I am going crazy sometimes but it is in response to his behavior towards me. Most military support programs are for the soldiers themselves and not their spouses or children who are suffering also. If anyone out there is experiencing the same, then let me know. Please don't feel alone, I am suffering tremendously and indescribably and could use someone else out there that can relate to this. Thank you for your time. God bless you and hang in there the best you can. I truly know how difficult that is to do!!

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post #2 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 06:46 PM
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I hate to say it but call VA. I was recommended a VA therapist for my PTSD and I had a low opinion. That is a place to start. Your husband needs help. I have been there.
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post #3 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-16-2016, 06:50 PM
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Re: PSTD from serving in war causing divorces

The VA is probably going to be your best help.....

FWIW..it took me about 10 years total and its still hard.

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #4 of 5 (permalink) Old 01-26-2016, 04:05 PM
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Re: PSTD from serving in war causing divorces

I've done PTSD work too, though not war related. There are PTSD books on Amazon that are a great supplement to professional therapy, especially someone who specializes in this area and familiar with EMDR. I'm not super clear on what your end goal is with your marriage. Can you clarify?

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post #5 of 5 (permalink) Old 07-28-2016, 07:12 AM
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Re: PSTD from serving in war causing divorces

I'm coming late to the topic. First I'm sorry for what the op is experiencing.

If the spouse is truly suffering from PTSD there is help available if he so chooses. Respectfully, the VA would not be my choice.

If he has this disorder and wants help his medical doctor should be able to document and refer him to a mental health professional. He can pick the therapist with whom he is most comfortable within his health group. Alternatively he can use his EAP benefit as a vehicle to start treatment.

Furthermore, PTSD could be genuinely associated to his profession which possibly brings it in the realm of Worker's Comp.
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