Miscarriages - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Miscarriages

I have never really talked about this to anyone, but I have had 5 miscarriages. All have been with my husband and I have been told my two doctors I will never have children, how do I face that I will never have a child? I want one so badly it's nearly suffocating but I fear to try for one because it may result in a miscarriage. Can someone please help me? I don't have the money to go get professional help.

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post #2 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 06:34 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

Now you know why people adopt. From what I understand it's not that bad.

Having had 2 kids of my own, and seeing them turn into adults who have little to nothing to do with me, I regret ever having had kids.

They're expensive, they're selfish, they're unpredictable, especially as teens, and I can't even imagine what college will cost in 18+ years.

Think of all the things you can buy, all the places you can go with all those savings.

It just might not be all that bad.
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post #3 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 08:31 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

With all due respect (or not), @perol, you've given terrible "advice." You've never experienced the pain this OP has experienced.

The majority of us parents do NOT regret having children. Today is my son's birthday and I thank God for every day I've had with him.

I'm sorry, @GilbertLady for all of your angels in heaven . Why are the doctors telling you that you'll never carry a baby to term? What's the reason for all of the losses?
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post #4 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 08:55 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

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Originally Posted by SecondTime'Round View Post
With all due respect (or not), perol, you've given terrible "advice." You've never experienced the pain this OP has experienced.
agreed.
@perol that's not cool.
It may be your truth, but kicking her when she's down is just low.

My kids aren't perfect, in fact, they can be awful little hellions. And i have no idea what i would do with out them.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

@GilbertLady, when my husband and i were doing natural family planning as birth control, i had a book that was very informative. The method can also be used in reverse to get pregnant, and the book had some very helpful sections on understanding/preventing miscarriage using basal body temp to track. Maybe you want to see if your local library has a copy.
Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health: Toni Weschler: 9780060881900: Amazon.com: Books

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.
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post #5 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 09:11 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

I know that what you are going through is very hard as I've been through something similar.

My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. My second ended in the premature, still birth of twins. The complications from the still birth caused a horrible infection that ended up sealing my fallopian tubes. So I too was told that I could never be able to get pregnant again.

It was a very hard thing to handle. The miscarriage, loss of twins and then the loss of my ability to have children.

Almost 4 years later we adopted a baby boy. He was 10 days old. I cannot explain it but the pain went away the day we picked him up from the agency. Today my son is 26. He's working on a Master's degree in physics. He's a handsome, wonderful young man.

I don't think that there is any different in the love, attachment or raising as adopted child vs a one who is our biological child.
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post #6 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 09:16 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

Gilbertlady, yours is a hard cross to bear. I couldn't get pregnant, and when I tried I had a miscarriage. And now at 43, it's not going to happen for me.

I made a choice to accept it and try to find a different path. And I have.

But here's the thing, I still grieve the person that might have been. He or she would would have been 4 now. I don't think about it everyday anymore, but I do still grieve it. I also am sad that I am not going to have children.

On the other hand, I realize because I don't have children, I can be passionate about other things. I'm working on my Ph.D. I work with children now, and I feel like I have more to give them, because when I go home I don't go home to more children. The reality is life is full of different paths. Some paths are choices and some are not. It's okay to be sad about not having children. It's okay to grieve and be depressed about all of those lost possibilities, to grieve the children that might have been. I don't know how long it's been since you've been told you might not have children. But it's a loss. It's a huge loss, and I am sorry.

I guess I want to say be gentle with yourself and your husband. Allow yourself to grieve those 5 babies. And allow yourself to greive the possible loss of a future that you wanted very much. And when you are ready, you will come to acceptance and find other things that make this life beautiful.
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post #7 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-13-2015, 09:19 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

Oh, and Elegirl is right. Adopting is a wonderful option. If you go that route, no it's okay to grieve not have a biological child while still being open to loving a child of your heart.
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post #8 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-15-2015, 06:16 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

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Originally Posted by sixty-eight View Post
agreed.
@perol that's not cool.
It may be your truth, but kicking her when she's down is just low.
Who's kicking?

Just giving alternatives, that's all.
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post #9 of 15 (permalink) Old 10-15-2015, 08:28 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

PAIL network...they can help you process. This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month.

"The most beautiful words in any language: I forgive"
Wind Through The Keyhole - Dark Tower Series - Stephen King
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post #10 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-16-2015, 08:29 PM Thread Starter
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I posted on this forum give or take 30 days ago.... I have a long history of miscarriages with my husband who was my boyfriend for 3 of them, I want a child so bad I can barely stand it. The line of work that I do involves a lot of newborns and people don't understand how difficult that is for me to face that almost every day. I've been told by several doctors that I will never have children and I'm just not finding out that I might have ovarian cancer. I feel as though I'm mentally ready for a child... But we aren't financially set enough for one along with my health problems...My husband isn't as affectionate as he used to be either. I'm completey stressed. Please help because I'm growing desperate.

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post #11 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-17-2015, 09:22 AM
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Re: Will wanting a child ever stop?

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Originally Posted by wannabemommy View Post
I've never posted to a forum before, so I hope I'm doing this right.
Background - I am 35 and my husband of 15 years is 41. We met when I was 17, married when I was 19 (he was 26). The plan was to have a baby before he turned 30, he didn't want to be an "old" dad, I didn't want to be "too young" of a mom.

Here's what happened, when I was 22 (getting to that I want a baby point in my life) and he was 29 his ex-wife died...and I was an insta-mom to an 8 year old. PLEASE do not misunderstand, my step-son truly is the best thing that ever happened to me...but raising him made me just want a baby more...but not right at that moment, I was still getting used to a child that was going through a really rough time in his life. I think I was 25 when the bug really bit me...and I mean it really bit. But my husband was already over 30 and didn't want any more children at that point. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of things said...but it came down to leave or learn to live without having a baby. I am totally in love with my husband, so I of course didn't leave. Plus, I couldn't let my wonderful step-son lose another mom.
Now I'm almost 35, my step-son is in college and I honestly don't want to have a baby at this age...I know a lot of people think it's ok - but I have known too many people have too many issues with mid-30's pregnancies. But here's the thing...I'm angry. I am SO angry with him. I get in these moods where I pick fights just so he will feel like I'm feeling. I feel cheated. In every other aspect my husband is damn near perfect...why can't I live with this? Will the feeling EVER stop?
What is wrong with having a baby in your mid-30's? Why are you letting fear overrule what your body was actually designed for?

I'm 31. I have a 3 year old. I will not rule out the possibility of getting married again one day, or having another child with my husband one day (if we both change and are able to have a healthy marriage). I wanted a big family, I want my daughter to have siblings she can count on...a divorce means I might not be able to give that to her. But it won't be because of my age! I'll be willing to have kids right up to age 40. My mom was 40 when my brother was born. My neighbour had twins at age 42.

Of course you will feel angry, hurt, disappointed if you want a child and feel your spouse is to blame for not having one. You either need to:

1. Accept that you will not have a child and stop the feelings of resentment. Can you do this?
2. Change your situation to your liking...meaning have a child.
3. Leave your husband. I don't think you should do this of course, and you love him and he's great in every other way. I just think it really comes down to # 1 or 2. If you explain to him how important it is to you that you have a baby, won't he understand?

If the true reason you're not having a child is because you think you're too old, or are afraid of things you cannot control (health of the baby), then don't be resentful toward him because the issue lies with you. You're letting your fear take hold.

I was 28 when my daughter was born. I was young, ate healthy and exercised - but she was born with a congenital heart defect none of us could have predicted. She had open heart surgery at 22 days old. And you know what - she healed, she's vibrant, joyful, beautiful and absolutely perfect. You could never tell aside from her scar...and even if you could, she's my beautiful baby. The reason I am telling you this is so you realize that you cannot control the outcome of a pregnancy, aside from trying your best to be healthy. You're the first person I've met who is saying she's too old to have a child at 35.
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post #12 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 12:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wannabemommy View Post
I've never posted to a forum before, so I hope I'm doing this right.
Background - I am 35 and my husband of 15 years is 41. We met when I was 17, married when I was 19 (he was 26). The plan was to have a baby before he turned 30, he didn't want to be an "old" dad, I didn't want to be "too young" of a mom.

Here's what happened, when I was 22 (getting to that I want a baby point in my life) and he was 29 his ex-wife died...and I was an insta-mom to an 8 year old. PLEASE do not misunderstand, my step-son truly is the best thing that ever happened to me...but raising him made me just want a baby more...but not right at that moment, I was still getting used to a child that was going through a really rough time in his life. I think I was 25 when the bug really bit me...and I mean it really bit. But my husband was already over 30 and didn't want any more children at that point. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of things said...but it came down to leave or learn to live without having a baby. I am totally in love with my husband, so I of course didn't leave. Plus, I couldn't let my wonderful step-son lose another mom.
Now I'm almost 35, my step-son is in college and I honestly don't want to have a baby at this age...I know a lot of people think it's ok - but I have known too many people have too many issues with mid-30's pregnancies. But here's the thing...I'm angry. I am SO angry with him. I get in these moods where I pick fights just so he will feel like I'm feeling. I feel cheated. In every other aspect my husband is damn near perfect...why can't I live with this? Will the feeling EVER stop?

I don't think you really are at the point of not wanting your own children anymore. It sounds to me like you could possibly be trying to find reasons to not want them and convenience yourself you do not want your own children which may be why you are still angry with your H. The closer you do get to the age you are no longer able to have children, your anger and resentment towards him may grow.
Everyone is different. No one could ever say if that's the case or not. Just my outlook on the situation.
Good luck
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post #13 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 03:02 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

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Originally Posted by sixty-eight View Post
@GilbertLady, when my husband and i were doing natural family planning as birth control, i had a book that was very informative. The method can also be used in reverse to get pregnant, and the book had some very helpful sections on understanding/preventing miscarriage using basal body temp to track. Maybe you want to see if your local library has a copy.
Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health: Toni Weschler: 9780060881900: Amazon.com: Books
Most miscarriages can't be prevented, so that is very misleading. Taking your basal body temperature only confirms when/if you ovulated, which is basically all it is helpful for. It will not help prevent a miscarriage. The only time someone can prevent a miscarriage is if they have a hormonal imbalance where they are low on progesterone, so they can take progesterone to save the baby. Otherwise, it's really out of our hands.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second for several months now and I have had 2 miscarriages. I have charted my cycles for years, so I know my body fairly well. My last miscarriage in September has hit me hard. It has been extremely tough to move on from, especially since my cousin is pregnant and her due date is a little over a week before mine was. I have endometriosis, which is a contributing factor to our issues with trying to get pregnant. If we're not pregnant by February, we'll be doing more testing to find out what the next step is to get pregnant.

OP, have you had testing done? What exactly did the doctors say?

I have 2 friends who are going through the adoption process after dealing with infertility for years. It is another option. I have 5 relatives who are adopted and while they are not blood related, they are part of the family and love them just the same. I am open to the idea of adoption, but my husband is hesitant. I guess we'll discuss it again if need be.
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post #14 of 15 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 03:19 PM
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Re: Miscarriages

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Quote:
Originally Posted by sixty-eight View Post
when my husband and i were doing natural family planning as birth control, i had a book that was very informative. The method can also be used in reverse to get pregnant, and the book had some very helpful sections on understanding/preventing miscarriage using basal body temp to track. Maybe you want to see if your local library has a copy.
Taking Charge of Your Fertility, 10th Anniversary Edition: The Definitive Guide to Natural Birth Control, Pregnancy Achievement, and Reproductive Health: Toni Weschler: 9780060881900: Amazon.com: Books
Most miscarriages can't be prevented, so that is very misleading. Taking your basal body temperature only confirms when/if you ovulated, which is basically all it is helpful for. It will not help prevent a miscarriage. The only time someone can prevent a miscarriage is if they have a hormonal imbalance where they are low on progesterone, so they can take progesterone to save the baby. Otherwise, it's really out of our hands.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second for several months now and I have had 2 miscarriages. I have charted my cycles for years, so I know my body fairly well. My last miscarriage in September has hit me hard. It has been extremely tough to move on from, especially since my cousin is pregnant and her due date is a little over a week before mine was. I have endometriosis, which is a contributing factor to our issues with trying to get pregnant. If we're not pregnant by February, we'll be doing more testing to find out what the next step is to get pregnant.

OP, have you had testing done? What exactly did the doctors say?

I have 2 friends who are going through the adoption process after dealing with infertility for years. It is another option. I have 5 relatives who are adopted and while they are not blood related, they are part of the family and love them just the same. I am open to the idea of adoption, but my husband is hesitant. I guess we'll discuss it again if need be.

The book i mentioned explains that if you continue to track with basal temperature after conception, figuring out when the baby is miscarried can in some cases help you and your doctor zero in on the best solution for you.

Maybe my wording was misleading, but if you had checked the resource, you would have understood.

I'm sorry for your losses.

Forget enough to get over it, remember enough so it doesn't happen again.

Last edited by sixty-eight; 11-27-2015 at 03:31 PM.
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post #15 of 15 (permalink) Old 08-10-2016, 01:48 AM
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Re: Miscarriages

Ohh.. That's such a sad situation.
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