I've never posted to a forum before, so I hope I'm doing this right.
Background - I am 35 and my husband of 15 years is 41. We met when I was 17, married when I was 19 (he was 26). The plan was to have a baby before he turned 30, he didn't want to be an "old" dad, I didn't want to be "too young" of a mom.
Here's what happened, when I was 22 (getting to that I want a baby point in my life) and he was 29 his ex-wife died...and I was an insta-mom to an 8 year old. PLEASE do not misunderstand, my step-son truly is the best thing that ever happened to me...but raising him made me just want a baby more...but not right at that moment, I was still getting used to a child that was going through a really rough time in his life. I think I was 25 when the bug really bit me...and I mean it really bit. But my husband was already over 30 and didn't want any more children at that point. There was a lot of arguing and a lot of things said...but it came down to leave or learn to live without having a baby. I am totally in love with my husband, so I of course didn't leave. Plus, I couldn't let my wonderful step-son lose another mom.
Now I'm almost 35, my step-son is in college and I honestly don't want to have a baby at this age...I know a lot of people think it's ok - but I have known too many people have too many issues with mid-30's pregnancies. But here's the thing...I'm angry. I am SO angry with him. I get in these moods where I pick fights just so he will feel like I'm feeling. I feel cheated. In every other aspect my husband is damn near perfect...why can't I live with this? Will the feeling EVER stop?
What is wrong with having a baby in your mid-30's? Why are you letting fear overrule what your body was actually designed for?
I'm 31. I have a 3 year old. I will not rule out the possibility of getting married again one day, or having another child with my husband one day (if we both change and are able to have a healthy marriage). I wanted a big family, I want my daughter to have siblings she can count on...a divorce means I might not be able to give that to her. But it won't be because of my age! I'll be willing to have kids right up to age 40. My mom was 40 when my brother was born. My neighbour had twins at age 42.
Of course you will feel angry, hurt, disappointed if you want a child and feel your spouse is to blame for not having one. You either need to:
1. Accept that you will not have a child and stop the feelings of resentment. Can you do this?
2. Change your situation to your liking...meaning have a child.
3. Leave your husband. I don't think you should do this of course, and you love him and he's great in every other way. I just think it really comes down to # 1 or 2. If you explain to him how important it is to you that you have a baby, won't he understand?
If the true reason you're not having a child is because you think you're too old, or are afraid of things you cannot control (health of the baby), then don't be resentful toward him because the issue lies with you. You're letting your fear take hold.
I was 28 when my daughter was born. I was young, ate healthy and exercised - but she was born with a congenital heart defect none of us could have predicted. She had open heart surgery at 22 days old. And you know what - she healed, she's vibrant, joyful, beautiful and absolutely perfect. You could never tell aside from her scar...and even if you could, she's my beautiful baby. The reason I am telling you this is so you realize that you cannot control the outcome of a pregnancy, aside from trying your best to be healthy. You're the first person I've met who is saying she's too old to have a child at 35.