Coded messages - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-03-2015, 10:03 AM Thread Starter
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Coded messages

I'm single (well, now) but my situation involves a long-term marriage and kids. I hope you guys don't mind me posting, and I'd appreciate any words of wisdom you take the time to share with me.

Over a year I began to date a recently divorced man. It wasn't long after his divorce of an 18 year marriage, so I was concerned about being a rebound. That said, we were together for a year. He met my parents. I met his children. Ex-wife and I were polite and professional. I know he was still dealing with the grief of not being a full time dad, but I knew that it was a process that would take time to develop a new normal.

We had an incredible year. Any fears I had were cleared up by the consistency of his love and our incredible friendship.

He was planning to move in with me (his idea). I think the ex-wife heard about this step and she offered a second chance for him. I was broken by this. He tells me he wants to make sure this is over for his kids, to have the chance to be a full-time father and wake up with his son and daughter in the next room again. I let him go without much fuss, although with deep sadness.

He and his ex-wife are living together and going through couples counseling. I have maintained No Contact with him with the exception of two slip ups (short texts). It's going on two months now. I'm still heart broken, of course, but trying to keep moving forward.

However, my now-ex has been posting daily messages on Facebook to me (we're not longer SNS friends, it's posted public). This has been going on for two weeks. Pretty much ever since he entered martial counseling. Everything he posted is coded but definitely "message received" on my end. Places we talked about going, songs we loved, old inside jokes. The other day he posted a picture of a painting/project he did that was a spitting image of one in my home.

I'm really conflicted and hurt again. I wonder if this is just passing grief or if he is regretting his decision.

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post #2 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-03-2015, 10:21 AM
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Re: Coded messages

He sounds confused about what he wants, and you're unfortunately being dragged with him .

I'm the poster child for why exes should not reconcile. This probably will not work out, so the question will become, "will you take him back?"
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post #3 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-03-2015, 01:02 PM
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Re: Coded messages

He's still with his wife?

If so he shows no regard for you or your feelings, it's all about what he wants, and what he wants is both of you.

Tell him to screw off and stop contacting you unless it's completely over with his wife.
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post #4 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-03-2015, 01:12 PM
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Re: Coded messages

Perol, I think the wife she refers to his her ex-BF not ex-husband.

Vapbt, read second's posts she is not kidding. Easy to say my situation is different. However I think you will find many points of reference. What happened in your marriage ?
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post #5 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-03-2015, 02:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Coded messages

Not still, they've been divorced over a year. All was well till she heard him moving in with me, then she gave him a chance to reconcile and be with his kids full time--which he took. They're in counseling trying to fix the issues that caused their divorce.

Would I want him back? At this point, surely. We were a great couple, wonderful friends, I adored his kids, my parents loved him.

I DO feel like I'm getting dragged, though. And for what? Is this just the way he manifests his grief while he mourns us and continues on in his new (old) home? Or is he really struggling with a decision that may not have been the right one? I'm tempted to ask, but I won't break no contact. The less I'm around, the better he can figure his crap out.
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post #6 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-03-2015, 02:39 PM
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Re: Coded messages

I would look at his actions. He is living with her. He left you to try and salvage their marriage, right? Supposing he is posting coded messages for you, those are not the actions of a good person dedicated to salvaging his marriage. Nor are they the actions of someone who realizes he has made a huge mistake, has left his wife and reached out asking for another chance. He didn't show up on your doorstep, telling you he had left his wife and wanted to talk. He is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Forget how good it was. He broke you, and is now trying to suck you back into his drama. Unless he leaves her DO NOT get sucked back into communicating with him again, this could so easily develop into an affair.
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post #7 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-07-2015, 09:06 AM
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Re: Coded messages

Originally Posted by Vapbt View Post
. The less I'm around, the better he can figure his crap out.
Or better yet, YOU can figure your crap out!

Love is an addiction, just like drug addiction. He never really got over his first addiction, but instead found you as a substitute drug. When his first addiction came calling again, he took the pill and renewed that addiction. Now he has two addictions.
The guy may very well have been completely honest with you. He may very well have loved you and may still.
The real question you need to ask yourself is do you value your self enough as a person to allow your self to be the back up drug of choice?

At the center of every moMEnt of my life is ME!
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post #8 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-11-2015, 04:07 PM
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Re: Coded messages

"I'm really conflicted and hurt again. I wonder if this is just passing grief or if he is regretting his decision."

He may be finding reconciliation harder than he thought so he is fishing and trying to keep you on the hook. You are not his safe place to fall. He gave that up when he dumped you for comfortable.
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post #9 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-14-2015, 02:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Coded messages

Thank you all for your messages and advice, it's very much what I needed.

I haven't updated my situation in a bit but it has taken a turn. After much consideration, I decided to meet with my ex and discuss these matters out of respect for the wonderful relationship we did have. It occurred to me, after lots of advice and thought, how much this passive form of communication will ruin what we DID have and what we could have if things change. The communication in itself isn't right as he is trying to repair his split (ex) marriage. And there is so much room for error in hurt in these subliminal posts.

So, for two reasons, I told him I won't be communicating with him and I will be stepping away from social media. One, to give him the chance to fully look at his decision without me in the rear view. Two, if he decides to stay there, to preserve the incredible memories we had together without tainting them with all this hurt, doubt, and uncertainty that this social media quasi-communication will bring.

He understood and our conversation was very open and loving. Which is what I miss about us. No hard feelings. He told me he loved me. I don't really know how things are going at "home" with his ex-wife, other than the fact that counseling has been halted for now. I miss him and love him very much. This is extremely difficult in so many ways. I have closed my social media account, but his remains open and public. He continues to post some things that speak to him mourning. Things about not letting go, things about him having a hard time keeping busy..then normal things about his kids and all.

I want to hold onto hope that he will take the time to really soul search and maybe come back. Till then, I will maintain no contact and I am starting with a therapist to help me through the process.

Last edited by Vapbt; 11-14-2015 at 02:49 PM.
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post #10 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-20-2015, 12:41 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Coded messages

Well it's been two weeks total NC. No contact, no sideways communication via SNS. He left up some pictures of his son, which I feel are his way of saying "This is why I'm doing this." His ex-wife's SNS is incredibly happy and work/kid-centric for now.

It hurts how much I miss him, as these things always do. I miss my best friend. I want him back but that ball isn't in my court. I guess the letting go and realization process that he *won't* be back must begin now.

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post #11 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-20-2015, 12:56 PM
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Re: Coded messages

Originally Posted by Vapbt View Post
I guess the letting go and realization process that he *won't* be back must begin now.
Yep. Best to cut your losses and move on.

Even if he came back, would you really trust him the same way again? Knowing that he dumped you despite loving you, and ran back to his ex-wife? I think the fear would always be in the back of your mind that he could or would do this to you again.

I don't fault him for missing his family, but it seems to me he is choosing "lifestyle" (family life, dad status, the familiarity of marriage) over truly still being "in love" with his ex-wife (how could he be in love with her when he claimed to be in love with you?). Do you really want to be with someone like that?

Sorry for your pain .

"Love is chemicals masquerading as choices!"
~ Sandfly
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post #12 of 12 (permalink) Old 11-20-2015, 01:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Coded messages

I'd still take him back, at least in the state I am now. Although you have some valid points and there would, no doubt, be some issues we'd have to work on. There is a lot of love there. A lot of good communication and conflict resolution we had in our time together. I'm hopeful. Or was.

I guess that's partly the reason I went NC. To give him the space to make that decision without my presence muddying the waters. But I guess he's made it? I don't know.
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