Struggling - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 03:22 PM Thread Starter
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Struggling

My husband and I have been trying to conceive our second child for several months now and I miscarried for a second time in September. This one has been especially tough since my cousin is pregnant and her due date is a week and a half before mine was. Every time I see her, I am reminded of what I lost. I am truly happy for her, but I'm really struggling. Our son is going to be 2 and a half years old soon and he loves babies. He adores his 2 baby cousins and points out babies when we're out at different places. I feel like I'm surrounded by infants and pregnant women. While I would love to just hide out at home sometimes, I don't want to isolate my son.

I was diagnosed with endometriosis as a teenager and I know that can cause issues with fertility. We easily conceived our son, but it's just not happening now for a second. Endometriosis runs in my family, as I have 2 aunts who have it, as well as my grandma who had it. My grandma never experienced fertility issues, but both of my aunts did. One of those aunts could never get pregnant at all and ended up adopting. My other aunt who has the condition had a son, but could never carry a baby to term after that. I have a horrible fear that we'll never have another child, which makes the pain from my last miscarriage even worse.

We haven't told anyone we're trying to conceive a second baby, so no one knows about that or both miscarriages.

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post #2 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 04:26 PM
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Re: Struggling

A07 I'm so sorry you're dealing with this terrible loss!

Medicine and knowledge grows by leaps and bounds every day so do not allow your Aunt's experience to inform your hopes and aspirations.

Why would you isolate yourself from those who could be your support during this difficult time? Seeking to expand your family and experiencing loss and the subsequent support needed are the kinds of things found in the contracts for friendship right? I recently got chewed out by my BFF's for not allowing them in more regularly. Allow your friends to support you, hold your hand and encourage you. Keeping your anguish to yourself will probably anger them for being denied the chance to support you. Just start with one or two close friends and confide in them.

Hugs to you!

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #3 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 05:03 PM
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Re: Struggling

Sorry to hear. Aloha


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post #4 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 05:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling

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A07 I'm so sorry you're dealing with this terrible loss!

Medicine and knowledge grows by leaps and bounds every day so do not allow your Aunt's experience to inform your hopes and aspirations.

Why would you isolate yourself from those who could be your support during this difficult time? Seeking to expand your family and experiencing loss and the subsequent support needed are the kinds of things found in the contracts for friendship right? I recently got chewed out by my BFF's for not allowing them in more regularly. Allow your friends to support you, hold your hand and encourage you. Keeping your anguish to yourself will probably anger them for being denied the chance to support you. Just start with one or two close friends and confide in them.

Hugs to you!
Thanks.

I did try to do that with 2 "friends" who I used to see regularly as our kids are the same age, but they started acting weird around me. One of them is currently 7 months pregnant now and she would throw it in my face about her pregnancy and how easy it was for her, as she'll now have 3 kids under 4 years old. She then threw the weight issue in too, as she is considered morbidly obese and she's pregnant, while I'm at a healthy weight and can't get pregnant. What "friends" I had, so I have sense then stopped talking to them.

I haven't had the courage to share with anyone else since then because I don't want it to end the same. I have had many bad experiences in the past with friends being unsupportive, so I'm always afraid to let people in. Most of my "friends" abandoned me when I had surgeries in the past, when I would need them the most, so I tend to keep to myself. The only good friends I had in the past who were there through thick and thin are at a completely different place in life, as they're both still single, while I'm married with a 2 year old. We've sadly grown more and more apart because we just don't have much in common any more.

I have thought of at least telling family, but I also know my mom can't keep secrets, so I don't know if I should trust telling her this. I lied and said I had a "horrible period" when she asked why my husband stayed home from work the day I started miscarrying. I don't know if she suspects anything, but I haven't shared with her yet. Every time we see her, I just keep praying she won't bring up the topic of having another child.
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post #5 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 10:19 PM
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Re: Struggling

Sorry to hear that.

Family who can't keep secrets - I know what that's like and all I can do is

You did it once and I have faith you can do it again. Don't give up.

Have you sought medical advice following the miscarriage?

My wife texted asking me if I was sitting down, and I knew what was coming next.


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post #6 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-27-2015, 10:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling

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Sorry to hear that.

Family who can't keep secrets - I know what that's like and all I can do is

You did it once and I have faith you can do it again. Don't give up.

Have you sought medical advice following the miscarriage?
Not from my obgyn, but I have talked to my specialist(for my rare medical condition - we text each other some times about our personal life. She's great) and an acquaintance in med school. They both think it's just a fluke issue and should be fine the next time I get pregnant. I'm a healthy mid-twenties woman, so she doesn't think there are any issues to worry about. If I miscarry again, my obgyn wants to see me to do some testing and look at my charts for why I would have repeat miscarriages. She thinks I'm good regarding my endometriosis, as most of my symptoms cleared up after having my son. I'm just not very lucky, never have been. I'm somewhat hopeful for this cycle, but don't want to get my hopes up too much.
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post #7 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2015, 10:30 AM
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Re: Struggling

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Thanks.

I did try to do that with 2 "friends" who I used to see regularly as our kids are the same age, but they started acting weird around me. One of them is currently 7 months pregnant now and she would throw it in my face about her pregnancy and how easy it was for her, as she'll now have 3 kids under 4 years old. She then threw the weight issue in too, as she is considered morbidly obese and she's pregnant, while I'm at a healthy weight and can't get pregnant. What "friends" I had, so I have sense then stopped talking to them.
Wow, that's a very discouraging pattern. The morbidly obese woman was obviously just rationalizing her weight. A good decision to distance yourself from those women.

You're at a difficult time right now with the diverging life paths among your age peers. I was the first among my close circle to get married and have babies, by about 5 years.

How has your husband been in terms of emotionally supporting you during this time? Do you feel supported by him, like you can reach out to him, vent your sorrow and fear, and feel heard? Maybe I'm projecting but I suspect that a husband giving emotional support to his wife after a miscarriage would be a learned skill. So he may need some training on this?


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I haven't had the courage to share with anyone else since then because I don't want it to end the same. I have had many bad experiences in the past with friends being unsupportive, so I'm always afraid to let people in. Most of my "friends" abandoned me when I had surgeries in the past, when I would need them the most, so I tend to keep to myself. The only good friends I had in the past who were there through thick and thin are at a completely different place in life, as they're both still single, while I'm married with a 2 year old. We've sadly grown more and more apart because we just don't have much in common any more.
Remember that Girl Scout song? "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." You're at an emotionally vulnerable stage right now and the tendency to keep to yourself to protect yourself might not be in your best interest right now. You never know exactly who you're surrounded by, who will be there and who will not until you ask. And yes you're so right, asking is soooooo hard.


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I have thought of at least telling family, but I also know my mom can't keep secrets, so I don't know if I should trust telling her this. I lied and said I had a "horrible period" when she asked why my husband stayed home from work the day I started miscarrying. I don't know if she suspects anything, but I haven't shared with her yet. Every time we see her, I just keep praying she won't bring up the topic of having another child.

Who would your Mom tell? Are these people close to you as well,mor just close to her? Are you concerned how they might treat you if they knew? I guess what I'm asking is, does your Mom tell these people because she is seeking support in order to support you?

Would your Mom respect your wishes if you asked her to not share this with others? Maybe having this discussion with your Mom is necessary?

My oldest two are about your age (29 and 25) and I know they tell each other stuff before they tell me. The only one who tells me first is my youngest but again, she usually goes to her older sisters first. While this is happening right now due to a host of stressors happening and they don't want to add to my worries at the moment, it concerns me that this might become The Pattern.

I guess what I'm saying is that as a mother, I would be terribly upset if any of my daughters didn't share something this important with me. I would be terribly hurt by their lack of trust and I would want to know that they don't trust me, why they don't trust me and how I could rectify that so it wouldn't be a factor in our relationship.

So give your Mom a chance to be what you need her to be by confiding in her and explaining you need to know you can trust her.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #8 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2015, 11:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling

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Wow, that's a very discouraging pattern. The morbidly obese woman was obviously just rationalizing her weight. A good decision to distance yourself from those women.

You're at a difficult time right now with the diverging life paths among your age peers. I was the first among my close circle to get married and have babies, by about 5 years.

How has your husband been in terms of emotionally supporting you during this time? Do you feel supported by him, like you can reach out to him, vent your sorrow and fear, and feel heard? Maybe I'm projecting but I suspect that a husband giving emotional support to his wife after a miscarriage would be a learned skill. So he may need some training on this?
He has been very positive and reassuring, which is different from his typical stress out and be more negative typical behavior. He'll just sit and hold me when I have my moments of breaking down crying. I'm really thankful for his support through it all.


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Who would your Mom tell? Are these people close to you as well,mor just close to her? Are you concerned how they might treat you if they knew? I guess what I'm asking is, does your Mom tell these people because she is seeking support in order to support you?

Would your Mom respect your wishes if you asked her to not share this with others? Maybe having this discussion with your Mom is necessary?

My oldest two are about your age (29 and 25) and I know they tell each other stuff before they tell me. The only one who tells me first is my youngest but again, she usually goes to her older sisters first. While this is happening right now due to a host of stressors happening and they don't want to add to my worries at the moment, it concerns me that this might become The Pattern.

I guess what I'm saying is that as a mother, I would be terribly upset if any of my daughters didn't share something this important with me. I would be terribly hurt by their lack of trust and I would want to know that they don't trust me, why they don't trust me and how I could rectify that so it wouldn't be a factor in our relationship.

So give your Mom a chance to be what you need her to be by confiding in her and explaining you need to know you can trust her.
My mom would tell her sisters, which is okay, as they would be supportive. They have all been there for me through my previous surgeries. The issue is that she might tell a couple of her friends, one of which I do not like at all. She is super competitive and instead of being supportive, she would compare me to her kids and not be the nicest person. She only cares about herself and I have no idea why my mom is "friends" with her. I know they've known each other for many years, but she is always very negative, highly competitive, and just not a very nice person. She makes my mom feel bad about herself. She showed up to my baby shower and talked about how I was "weak" because I wasn't doing what she was at 8 months pregnant. She mowed the lawn in heels at that time, while I was taking it easy, just started maternity leave as I was dealing with extreme pain from the pressure of my large belly on my birth defect. She made me want to scream. I wish my mom would cut ties with her.

I don't know if my mom would keep the secret if I asked her. I've asked her before and she has told people anyways. I told my mom about an issue with a teacher at my high school and she told her friend who lives down the street. I was talking to that friend of hers and she brought up the secret I told my mom, which was upsetting that she told others. That friend of hers doesn't bother me, as she can be more supportive than my mom at times, but I was still really mad that she blabbed what I told her.

The reason we originally didn't want to tell anyone was because we didn't want to be bugged by people asking if we're pregnant yet or any other awkward questions or getting "advice" from people. I just want my mom to stop updating me about my cousin's pregnancy because I feel like I get kicked in the stomach when she does that. I might talk to her tomorrow when we visit.
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post #9 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2015, 02:38 PM
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Re: Struggling

I'm so sorry A07, I've heard from other couples/friends how utterly insensitive people can be when it comes to starting or increasing a family. I always wonder how that annoying uncle would react when he asks when you're going to get to work on a sibling you start bawling your eyes out and run out of the room. Think those idiots would get the hint then?

People don't know this is such a sensitive topic. Your mother doesn't know how her sharing the newsy news from back home makes you feel inadequate. I'm lucky because my daughters tell me to zip it when I'm saying something that is hurtful when I don't know it's hurting them.

My husband's sister dealt with her infertility with such opennes it was astounding really. She had type 1 diabetes and miscarried 3 times. Each pregnancy she would happily announce her news then ask everyone to pray that this one would remain healthy. I've never known anyone so open about such a deeply hurtful and personal sorrow. The fourth time was the charmed one and as she reached her 12th week the prayer circles began. I'm an atheist and even I was affected by their faith and how that gave them such strength.

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #10 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2015, 02:43 PM
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Re: Struggling

Forgot to say I'm glad you decided to tell your Mom. Please let her know sharing the news of others, for right now, is not helpful for you. Let her know you need her to not share this with others. Let her know how important this is to you.

Although it may feel like it when people are insensitive, what you're going through is not in your control and has no bearing on how good of a wife and mother you are.


"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #11 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-28-2015, 08:23 PM
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Re: Struggling

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I'm so sorry A07, I've heard from other couples/friends how utterly insensitive people can be when it comes to starting or increasing a family.
Seriously. I've laid awake at night wondering what the hell is wrong with people.

My wife texted asking me if I was sitting down, and I knew what was coming next.


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post #12 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 12:00 AM
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Re: Struggling

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Seriously. I've laid awake at night wondering what the hell is wrong with people.

What the hell is wrong with people? I can't imagine wanting a baby so badly and being torn to pieces when it doesn't happen month after month. The heartbreak! And then to hear snide remarks from well meaning but really stupid people...

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #13 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-29-2015, 08:15 AM
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Re: Struggling

@Anonymous07,

How did your talk go with your Mom?

"Some women are blessed with multi-orgasmic ability for a reason and I'm damn sure not going to waste a blessing" ~FrenchFry

"Vaginas are tricky creatures." ~Lucy999
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post #14 of 24 (permalink) Old 11-30-2015, 11:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Struggling

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@Anonymous07,

How did your talk go with your Mom?
I didn't get a chance to tell her. My son woke up sick, throwing up and had diarrhea for much of the day yesterday, so my parents didn't want to come over to visit with all that going on. Luckily he's doing well today. I'll see her this next weekend at my aunt's when we all go look at Christmas lights and will try to talk to her then.
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Re: Struggling

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Seriously. I've laid awake at night wondering what the hell is wrong with people.
That was me on Thanksgiving. I got to listen to my step uncle(step grandma's son) talk about how it's bad to have only one child and have him ask me "what are you waiting for?" to have a second child. I just stared at him.
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