Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 05:35 AM Thread Starter
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Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

Unfortunately, you still are.
I remember the time before we got engaged. My heart would flutter when your name popped up on my phone, when we would meet..how every time It was time to say goodbye, I would feel sad, and I would start counting the time till I saw you next.

I remember the first fight we had, a day before the engagement as we went to pick up our rings. I was on cloud nine. I didn't see it coming. A slip of the tongue about an ex I didn't tell you about set you off. How you started shouting I couldn't be trusted and I was a liar. I remember trying to hold back the tears. Hiding it from my family.

The 6 months of engagment consisted of you testing me in every way possible. Waiting days to ask me again to see if a story I had told you would change..The constant paranoia. I remember the first major fight. I gave your ring back in the mall after one of your tests. You had a fit. You threw the shopping bags on the floor. I walked away. You walked after me kicking the bags and yelling..The embaressment that came with it when people started crowding around us. How one woman puy her arm around me and told me to leave you. How the security had to be called..
Regardless we stayed. Or how we would say in arabic, estemer; carry on through the storm.

We ended our honeymoon a few days early. We had a fight. It lasted two days. Then you punched your fist into the wall damaging it, you put your hands around my neck and I remember calling my dad thinking you were going to kill me. Estemerna.

I started waking up crying. I developed anxiety and depression. You tried to shake me out of it, physically, and then you ended up crying with me. On our one month anniversary.

We tried fostering a dog. I was making salad for you and cut my thumb. You thought It was me trying to get out of doing it and you got angry and took over. I took the knife back and said I'm fine. You pushed me. I ran to the bathroom crying. Seconds later you break down the door. Your mum slept over that night to keep me safe.

I strated seeing a psychiatrist for medication. The second session was rushed. You got angry. You demanded his number so you can shout at him. I refused. You threatened to bash my head in.

We woke up this friday, prepared to go have lunch at your uncles. I was playful, I hugged and kissed you as you sat on the edge of the bed on yor phone. I sang to you. You got irritated saying we were going to be late. I felt rejected. I got ready..walking to the car, you said perhaps we need space after your uncles. I agreed, thinking a few hours of space would do us good. I asked not to stay long at your uncles as I'm feeling anxious. You blew up. You called your uncle and cancelled saying I was sick. I got upset. I went over the speed bump fast. You got out. Angry, saying you were going to take a cab. I ran to you. I held your hands, I apologised. You held my wrists and threatened to hit me. We went our seper are ways. You came home. You joined me in bed. I tapped your shoulder. I asked for a hug. You aggressively responded what do you want a hug for. I kept quiet. You went out to eat. You came back. I told you I was going to eat. You said leave. I tried to fix things. I was calm this time. I promise. I said we had 5 blissful days. We're getting there. You as usual, we're negative. You told me to leave YOUR house. I told you to call my father. He said he will. He didn't. I called his bluff.

He got out of bed slamming me against the wall.you dragged me to the door to kick me out. I tried to crawl away from you. You slapped me across my face. I asked for a divorce. He said done..

You left bruises on my arm and my legs ache. It's Sunday now. I'm not doing well. I'm back in my parents house with a stepmother who has been screaming at me for ruining her life and house. I cant eat.
I cant sleep. What have you done?

What happened to love?
What happened to the goodness in you?
Your mum claims I won't find anyone better than you. She claims I should have been a better housewife. What have I done to deserve a life like this? I'm 22. I just started a new chapter. But each chapter is another nightmare story. Estemer. That's all I can say over and over again. Estemer Fi el hayat. Go on with life.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-03-2016, 06:00 AM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

Quote:
Your mum claims I won't find anyone better than you.
Bull hudda.

Quote:
She claims I should have been a better housewife.
Bull hudda.

Quote:
What have I done to deserve a life like this?
Nothing. You are not at fault for his actions, just as a BS is not at fault for a WS' infidelity.

You could not have done anything to make him behave properly. You didn't do anything to force him to abuse you.

They are in deep deep denial. It ain't just a river in Egypt.

You loved him. He may have felt love, but did not show it for you. He doesn't know how. He is at fault completely for his actions. Period.

I'm pissed at him.

You are young. You will have a wonderful life without him in it. Do not keep him in any part of it. Get away as safely as you can. Some others who are more skilled will help you with that.

Keep your head high. The ladies and gentlemen of TAM will know how to help you.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 05:30 AM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

This is the only post on TAM that has brought tears to my eyes. Honey, this isn't love and this isn't a marriage. Get a divorce and take some time to put this behind you. If need be, tell your MIL and Step-mom to shut the hell up.

You ignored the warning signs before marriage. In the future, listen to your gut and do not minimize the actions. And, bear in mind that you can always call the police if someone is assaulting you. Your husband belongs in jail. He won't learn without consequences.

Good luck and keep us apprised of your progress.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-04-2016, 05:44 AM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

Get away from this man as fast as you can, he is abusing you physically, mentally and emotionally. He has a huge problem. Reading your story has made me angry, you are so young and don't seem to have anyone to protect you. Where is your mother? Ask for the divorce now.
Show your MIL the bruising, next time carry a VAR at all times so when he starts screaming and shouting you have the evidence, you have to expose this monster in your H.
This will not end well if you do not get away.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 05:01 AM Thread Starter
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Everyone here is so supportive. I thank you for that. It brought tears to my eyes to see strangers support and care about me in a time like this. My MIL is in Canada so she hasn't seen the bruises but she has called me today trying to get me to go back. He seems to think I should be the one apologizing. I broke into tears yesterday as I entered our old apartment to collect some items. He wasn't there. His things were gone. My passport is locked up in his safe and according to his mother, he will give it to my dad. I'm terrified of going through this. My father tried to comfort me yesterday. If he knew the man I married was abusive he would have never let it go through, but he charmed his way into all of our hearts. I know sitting here and complaining won't solve anything but i just need a place to talk openly and support.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 05:34 AM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

I am glad you are planning to get divorced. All that love you felt, and still feel, for him? Give it to yourself.

Too bad your husband cannot hear what you are saying, cannot be honest with himself. He will not have a happy life until he can.

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 11:55 AM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

"My passport is locked up in his safe and according to his mother, he will give it to my dad."

Um, just NO! That is your property and he has essentially stolen it from you. File a report with the police. Just because your husband wants to treat you as a piece of property doesn't mean the law will allow it. Seriously, file that report! There is no point in having legal protections if you won't avail yourself of them. It's time he learned that you are a living, breathing human being and not a toy to be passed around from father to husband.
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-05-2016, 12:57 PM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

Run. Away. Now.

Holes burn deep in your chest,
Raked by machine gun fire.
Screaming soul sent out to die,
Living mandatory suicide.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 05:00 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

Update:

ive been given the illusion of a choice, but one it seems i do not have. if i choose to leave, i risk enduring a worse life back at home with my stepmother or potentially be disowned, and cut out the will. my dad has forgiven him and it seems they are back to being best buddies and he has come back telling me he is going to change.

My childhood had encounters of physical abuse, and always emotional abuse. I had better hope for my adulthood. It cant be the same cycle. The power has been passed onto his hands and i can only hope he will take the advice of his family and my father, all who admit he has an anger issue, and get the help he needs.
I have to give it a chance. or i will lose everything. At least, ill have the law on my side in Canada.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 05:45 AM
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Notify your closest consulate and tell them you lost your passport. Do this without telling H.

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 05:48 AM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

Why do you have to move in with your stepmother? You live in a safe country with economic support for those trying to get on their feet, correct?

And who cares about an inheritance when it comes at the cost of lifelong unhappiness?

One of the deepest feminine pleasures is when a man stands full, present, and unreactive in the midst of his woman's emotional storms. When he stays present with her, and loves her through the layers of wildness and closure, then she feels his trustability, and she can relax. -- David Deida, The Way of the Superior Man
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-07-2016, 04:39 PM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

It would be normal for you to find a husband who is abusive, when all you knew growing up was abuse. That's not your fault.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson

"And this, too, shall pass away."
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-17-2016, 10:21 AM
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I believe you and I are from similar backgrounds, so I understand what a horrible situation you're in. There's not much support for women in your country. I'm so sorry you're going through this.You said your MIL is in Canada. Does your husband have citizenship? Can you get Canadian citizenship through him? You need to get out of your country and away from your husband. The law in Canada can't protect you if he kills you.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 08:57 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Celes View Post
I believe you and I are from similar backgrounds, so I understand what a horrible situation you're in. There's not much support for women in your country. I'm so sorry you're going through this.You said your MIL is in Canada. Does your husband have citizenship? Can you get Canadian citizenship through him? You need to get out of your country and away from your husband. The law in Canada can't protect you if he kills you.
Sorry for the late reply. My husband is Canadian and I can get the PR from him. We just landed yesterday and it's already a mess. We are fighting and I went to the airport about to have a divorce. Why can't the law protect me? Do I have rights as a British citizen? I have no money and my dad has disowned me now because I apparently disgraced him for sticking up for myself.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 05-13-2016, 09:18 PM
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Re: Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.

I don't know where you are, but there is most likely some kind of shelter for abused women nearby. Look on the internet for your city or nearby cities. Just get yourself physically away from him. There will be people who want to and can help you. Don't worry if it is a religious organization different than your religion, they will help you and care about you regardless.

Money, inheritance, and even your birth family are not important compared to you staying alive and then having a happy future. The first step is to physically get away from the abusive people and to cut off contact with everyone who is excusing it or supporting it.
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