Trigger:To whom I thought was the love of my life.
Unfortunately, you still are.
I remember the time before we got engaged. My heart would flutter when your name popped up on my phone, when we would meet..how every time It was time to say goodbye, I would feel sad, and I would start counting the time till I saw you next.
I remember the first fight we had, a day before the engagement as we went to pick up our rings. I was on cloud nine. I didn't see it coming. A slip of the tongue about an ex I didn't tell you about set you off. How you started shouting I couldn't be trusted and I was a liar. I remember trying to hold back the tears. Hiding it from my family.
The 6 months of engagment consisted of you testing me in every way possible. Waiting days to ask me again to see if a story I had told you would change..The constant paranoia. I remember the first major fight. I gave your ring back in the mall after one of your tests. You had a fit. You threw the shopping bags on the floor. I walked away. You walked after me kicking the bags and yelling..The embaressment that came with it when people started crowding around us. How one woman puy her arm around me and told me to leave you. How the security had to be called..
Regardless we stayed. Or how we would say in arabic, estemer; carry on through the storm.
We ended our honeymoon a few days early. We had a fight. It lasted two days. Then you punched your fist into the wall damaging it, you put your hands around my neck and I remember calling my dad thinking you were going to kill me. Estemerna.
I started waking up crying. I developed anxiety and depression. You tried to shake me out of it, physically, and then you ended up crying with me. On our one month anniversary.
We tried fostering a dog. I was making salad for you and cut my thumb. You thought It was me trying to get out of doing it and you got angry and took over. I took the knife back and said I'm fine. You pushed me. I ran to the bathroom crying. Seconds later you break down the door. Your mum slept over that night to keep me safe.
I strated seeing a psychiatrist for medication. The second session was rushed. You got angry. You demanded his number so you can shout at him. I refused. You threatened to bash my head in.
We woke up this friday, prepared to go have lunch at your uncles. I was playful, I hugged and kissed you as you sat on the edge of the bed on yor phone. I sang to you. You got irritated saying we were going to be late. I felt rejected. I got ready..walking to the car, you said perhaps we need space after your uncles. I agreed, thinking a few hours of space would do us good. I asked not to stay long at your uncles as I'm feeling anxious. You blew up. You called your uncle and cancelled saying I was sick. I got upset. I went over the speed bump fast. You got out. Angry, saying you were going to take a cab. I ran to you. I held your hands, I apologised. You held my wrists and threatened to hit me. We went our seper are ways. You came home. You joined me in bed. I tapped your shoulder. I asked for a hug. You aggressively responded what do you want a hug for. I kept quiet. You went out to eat. You came back. I told you I was going to eat. You said leave. I tried to fix things. I was calm this time. I promise. I said we had 5 blissful days. We're getting there. You as usual, we're negative. You told me to leave YOUR house. I told you to call my father. He said he will. He didn't. I called his bluff.
He got out of bed slamming me against the wall.you dragged me to the door to kick me out. I tried to crawl away from you. You slapped me across my face. I asked for a divorce. He said done..
You left bruises on my arm and my legs ache. It's Sunday now. I'm not doing well. I'm back in my parents house with a stepmother who has been screaming at me for ruining her life and house. I cant eat.
I cant sleep. What have you done?
What happened to love?
What happened to the goodness in you?
Your mum claims I won't find anyone better than you. She claims I should have been a better housewife. What have I done to deserve a life like this? I'm 22. I just started a new chapter. But each chapter is another nightmare story. Estemer. That's all I can say over and over again. Estemer Fi el hayat. Go on with life.