Grieving the loss of marriage, lifestyle, dreams and yet being forgetful

lostNemotion · 10-22-2011, 12:57 AM

Hello. Im new to these forums but mighty glad I found this website. I don't know where to begin. My husband and I grew distant a year back. I remember loving him with all that i was and gave him everything I could and all of me. He was in the military. I know when my mind drifted and why. I cried and expressed how badly I needed to go home for a visit because his second deployment I was depressed and so lonely. He said I didn't know what depression was and if he had to suffer then I had to too. He said I shouldn't be lonely because I had our two kids. After that I started to question so many things. Our relationship got worse and worse after that. He didn't consider me. I remember trying so hard to keep us going, later was defeated and the kicker was when he asked me to leave, along with our two kids. Im not innocent in all this. At one level i stopped careing, started being selfish, rationalized it was all him and that ended our trust. I blame myself for a lot becaues I keep forgetting everything hurtful and ugly he said or did to me, not just me but our kids too. That is dangerous. I guess I forget because I dont want to be angry anymore, then that leaves me sad and depressed. We separated way to many times, i felt unloved, neglected, worthless and listened to others because I was so tired of doing my best and it not going anywhere. I miss him, I miss our life. Why do i miss someone who was emotionally and mentally abusive, though not always. I miss the love we had when it was at its best. I think to much.

Lon · 10-31-2011, 10:22 AM

Was their infidelity on your part during your marriage or "many" separations?

Shooboomafoo · 11-09-2011, 11:56 AM

Military lifestyle can be difficult I hear. But that does not absolve one from attending to the needs of his spouse, especially the need to see family members. That boot-camp attitude of all or nothing is a part of the lifestyle, and can lead to the types of problems in the marriage you mention. Not caring about your needs and the needs of the marriage, while deployed was not your fault, it does and still takes two despite the vocation.

lordmayhem · 11-21-2011, 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lostNemotion

Hello. Im new to these forums but mighty glad I found this website. I don't know where to begin. My husband and I grew distant a year back. I remember loving him with all that i was and gave him everything I could and all of me. He was in the military. I know when my mind drifted and why. I cried and expressed how badly I needed to go home for a visit because his second deployment I was depressed and so lonely. He said I didn't know what depression was and if he had to suffer then I had to too. He said I shouldn't be lonely because I had our two kids. After that I started to question so many things. Our relationship got worse and worse after that. He didn't consider me. I remember trying so hard to keep us going, later was defeated and the kicker was when he asked me to leave, along with our two kids. Im not innocent in all this. At one level i stopped careing, started being selfish, rationalized it was all him and that ended our trust. I blame myself for a lot becaues I keep forgetting everything hurtful and ugly he said or did to me, not just me but our kids too. That is dangerous. I guess I forget because I dont want to be angry anymore, then that leaves me sad and depressed. We separated way to many times, i felt unloved, neglected, worthless and listened to others because I was so tired of doing my best and it not going anywhere. I miss him, I miss our life. Why do i miss someone who was emotionally and mentally abusive, though not always. I miss the love we had when it was at its best. I think to much.

I'm glad my wife was strong enough to keep the family together and going during my many deployments, and her family and friends are in the Philippines. So I can tell you she was more lonely than you ever were. She had to give up her job and friend several times during the PCS moves. Because of her remorsefulness, she's deserving of a shot at R.

He asked YOU to leave, so Lon's question is valid. Did you cheat on him during his deployments? You said you became selfish, listening to toxic friends, and trust was broken, so there was a reason for it. How was trust broken? Did you cheat? Are you now mournin the family that you broke up? Just asking, because it looks like wayward spouse blameshifting to me.

Noel1987 · 01-05-2012, 01:51 PM

lordmayhem

great post