GG, I just read your update when I previewed my post. I am happy to hear you feel you have gotten what you need from your wife. I hope this is the beginning of healing in your relationship.
I am still going to post what I took the time to write here. I hope it can be of help somehow.
I hear you
Thanks for saying that, GG. I was pretty surprised to read Dug's post last night. I have always seen him as rock solid. His post last night made him seem much more . . . human
than I am used to.
We had relatives who wanted to start a prayer vigil around his bed. Naturally I shot that one down.
Oh my god. Aren't religious people the worst?!
Like you needed all that fear on top of what you already had inside yourself.
GG, I cannot tell you how bad I feel for you and your wife. It brings back so many memories for Dug and me, memories we wish we did not have, memories we wish we could forget.
We were in India when our son was diagnosed. Thank God we did not have relatives swarming around. Two of my sisters wanted to come. We shot that down. The last thing I needed was anybody telling me what to do all the time.
Our support group was Dug, our daughter (then 14), and me.
Ds was 10 when he was diagnosed, and our other boys were 7, 4, and 10 mos. Dug was running a factory in India. He had just started it the year before. The company nearly closed it during the financial crisis a few months before. He had to fight to keep it open.
So we had a baby, a move for the family shortly thereafter to India, and then our son's cancer to deal with, along with the financial crisis and unexpectedly having our house in America remodeled (we had found mold in the kitchen before the kids and I had left to join Dug in India, where he had been for the previous year). Very challenging year. Still amazed we got through it as well as we did.
I agree - I see that now.
Yes they are. Actually my eldest is of the opinion it might be for the best.
And your youngest?
It's not that I am judging her, it's whether I can believe her or not. It's very frustrating. I need to be able to trust her. I wish I could believe she can't remember writing that stuff, or at least some of it - literally several entries per day in some cases. Or even admitting she is capable of writing that stuff. I would not judge her for it - i've told her that several times. Hell, I've been angry at her often enough in my head, and thought bad thoughts about her at times, who doesn't with a spouse? Also I think it's normal to be attracted to other people from time to time. At the end of the day she didn't physically cheat, as she would have written about that too. It was how she pretended to be one way with me, and was someone else completely in private.
Have you been in counseling together for this? For an extended period of time?
Look, I hear you on her lying. It seems you two had problems before the diagnosis of your son. His illness and death just further exposed the weaknesses in your marriage. And now, 6 years on, you have about had it.
I could not be with a liar, either. You are absolutely right that you cannot trust someone who cannot admit when they are lying. Pride or toxic shame or whatever, at some point they have to admit what is true or what basis do you have for trust? And how can you heal and move forward without trust?
I bet she feels so much shame for what she did. She probably feels shame for every time she is wrong about something. Feels if she admits it, she is worthless somehow. Maybe her family shamed her a lot when she was growing up?
And you are really hurt by what she did. And she feels that. I bet she feels shame for that, too.
I think the only way she could heal with you is if she felt you loved her unconditionally. Maybe then somehow she could get the courage up to face the truth, and admit it.
You said she prides herself on not lying. But like you said, we all lie in some ways. Not telling the whole truth is a form of lying.
She is fragile. If you do not love her, truly love her "as is," it might be for the best to divorce her. It could shake her up enough to finally face the truth. She would be alone, just her and the truth facing her. That might crack through the wall of protection she has built around herself.
Gosh, that would have to be hard for you, though, knowing you are leaving her so vulnerable like that. And it would affect your kids, too: If Dad would abandon Mom, would he abandon us, too?
I agree 100%. He is blameless in this situation, and acted appropriately at all times. He's a great guy, as I said he went above and beyond with our son.
Fine man. Probably should not have let her get so close to start with, though. She was very vulnerable, and it was probably plain to see.
I just feel so bad for both of you. I can see where you are coming from. And I can feel her pain.
GG, I don't know if it helps to hear this, but I had very impure thoughts about my son's oncologist. Used to fantasize about him regularly the first two years after the diagnosis. Looked forward to seeing him during the visits. Just being in his presence was so calming, such a distraction from the emotional chaos I felt everywhere else.
I felt ashamed of it, let me tell you. I still do.
Difference is, I told Dug about it. Whenever I feel attracted to another man, I tell Dug. He does not feel threatened by it. Our bond is strong. And I can't stand the thought of his not knowing everything I am thinking. It just feels much safer to me that my mind be an open book to my husband.
But GG, that is because I feel safe with him. He has shown me time and again that with him is where I am safest. There is no shaming me when I tell him my darkest thoughts. There is love and forgiveness and, honestly, laughter. To him, I just torture myself with wanting to be morally perfect. He does not expect it of me.
If you cannot provide this safety to your wife, if your love for her essence is not stronger than your need for her to be truthful, then let her go. And explain why, to both her and your kids. If she cannot be honest and open, you be, to both her and the kids.
I am really, really sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I am sorry beyond words that you lost your son. And I am sorry that your wife may lose another piece of her family. What a painful situation all the way around.