Loss of a child - long story
Ok this could go in nearly any forum section in here as there are elements of Sex In Marriage and Infidelity, but I think Dealing with Grief and Loss is maybe the most appropriate.
We are both in our mid 40s. I've been married now for 20 years, and we had some children together. Our marriage was reasonably happy, but for me was on a slow decline, especially sexually, although my wife doesn't think so. Maybe twice a month we had sex. Otherwise we got on OK, but she was very controlling of everything, and as long as I went along with everything, things went fine. She also had some health issues, not serious, but they made her tired all the time - or so she said - more on this later. I really loved her.
6 years ago we lost a child to cancer, the child was not yet a teenager but was well beyond the age of reason, and had been in school several years. Needless to say it was a devastating loss. After our child died, my wife and youngest child cried all the time, while our eldest child and I bottled it all up. I would come home from work and my wife would cry every night. It was tearing me to pieces. I was close to a mental breakdown. To try to deal with it, after a few weeks I said I was "over" our child's death (of course that was a load of horse manure - but I thought it would help). After that my wife cried less in front of me. In every other way I did my best to be the best husband and father I could be. My wife didn't connect with our eldest child at all so I became the dad to my eldest and she became the mum to our youngest. This dynamic still exists to this day.
My wife is the kind of person who would prefer to believe in the fantasy rather than face reality - when our child first was diagnosed with a totally incurable cancer until the morning our child died, she believed he would survive - I knew from day one he wouldn't - a 0.0001% 5 year survival rate doesn't lie.
In the last year of school there was a male teacher who took care of our child even though our child was quite sick at times, and was really brilliant with him. He is also married with small children and about 10 years younger than us. He was then teaching our youngest child, about a year later, so my wife had the occasion to talk to him when at the school. She talked about him a lot, and how his wife was a horrible witch - even though she seemed like a nice enough person to me. I suspected something was going on with her at least, but any mention of him or his wife my me would result in hysterical accusations of me being paranoid, jealous, etc. We had a joint birthday party and she invited him, but he didn't come. His wife was rude with my wife, but perfectly fine with me.
During this time, she started listening to new music, started running, lost a lot of weight and got really fit, ran a marathon. She was managing our finances, and they fell to pieces, I discovered she had ran up nearly $20K in credit card debt. She lost all interest in me and our eldest, to the extent that one day I started getting chest pains in a car park (it was stress related) and she didn't seem to care in the least - I had to get a taxi to the hospital for tests. Any interaction with me was mean and spiteful - even when I was trying to do housework to help her the criticism and nitpicking was endless. Our sex life was about once every 3 months and she had to get drunk first. I tried to talk to her about all of this several times to no avail.
About 1 1/2 years ago now things began to slowly improve between us. We talked, had sex about once a month again, and she seemed in a slightly better mood. She still said she had no interest in sex, but would do it for me. About a year ago she went away for a weekend to visit her parents. I'm not proud of this but I got suspicious and had a snoop through her wardrobe. What I found shocked me. A book about all sorts of sex stories - not 50 shades, more like written hardcore porn. 3 different vibrators. I don't care and am not a prude, but this was completely the opposite of the image she presented to me. Her diary, detailing how she fantasised about this teacher, and how she hated having sex with me, and how any time she did it, or dreamed about sex, she thought about him. This is ironic since she said if I thought about someone else while having sex with her, she would consider it cheating. She detailed how she could attract him, how to break up his marriage with his wife. How she could have an affair with him without me finding out (according to her that part was easy) and without his wife finding out about it (harder). She sent him a few texts, even inviting him over one Christmas, and acting like a lovesick teenager around him. He moved schools, and she got her friend to drive her out to see his new school. She sent him a letter thanking him for taking care of our son, and at the end was lots of stuff about going out for a drink together, how he was a bit of a flirt but so was she, and how handsome he was, and signed it off with Love, my wife. She also sent him several texts, relatively innocuous, but one was asking him to go for a drink with her.
I went ballistic and seriously considered kicking her out. Basically she had been lying to me for years. She says she doesn't remember any of it. We went to a psychiatrist on my request, and she (the psychiatrist) said it was quite possible she couldn't remember anything. Sorry I don't buy that. I know people will say that people cope with grief in different ways, but I had a female friend that I really get on well with and find extremely attractive come on to me in this period, and I declined, because I still had some respect for my wife. I'm not trying to paint myself as perfect, far from it, but I was always there for her, except for the crying every evening period, and I told her that I couldn't deal with that.
Now our relationship is "good" on the surface, but I am still bitter and resentful that she abandoned us when things got tough. I also don't trust her in the least anymore. I'm not sure what I'm looking for or what to say, but I'd like to hear people's thoughts on the matter. I'm really only with her for the convenience factor at the moment. Any love I had is gone. Mostly I'm just desperately sad at what happened to us, and how she couldn't be honest with me.
Last edited by Good Guy; 08-16-2016 at 11:30 AM.