My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice? - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

User Tag List

 129Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #16 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 05:56 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 2,420
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

I would consult the school psychologist - they can provide guidencr


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

TheTruthHurts is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #17 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 09:59 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by switcher View Post
You could say you're partially responsible because he felt he was being replaced and that put him over the edge.

That's why you're not supposed to date married people.
Married or not. Me or someone else it really does not matter. This man was capable of doing this to himself, so, what was he capable of doing to his family. He had no regard for his life so he had even less for others. I will take the blame if needed, although it is not mine to take. I can not him or you do anything you do not want to do. Thank you though, I suppose, for thinking or implying that I have that kind of power. I meant that with all seriousness.

Last edited by TeesJeep1; 09-19-2016 at 10:06 PM.
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #18 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 10:05 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
Hold up.....


She cheated on him too? What kind of affair was it? A revenge affair? Long term or one-night-stand?


Did she ever cheat on him at any other time in their marriage? I have a gut twinge that you are not getting the whole story.
Bandit
Thank you for paying attention. While that is something I could contemplate, it really is not my business at this point. Although, it is an important fact to know, I will concern myself with the present situation because I want to make sure they are comfortable. When things settle down I will readdress that. My thoughts are that they were not happy so the last thing I want to give more attention to is the unhappiness. I prefer to move forward. Your thoughts?
TeesJeep1 is offline  
 
post #19 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 10:08 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheTruthHurts View Post
I would consult the school psychologist - they can provide guidencr


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
She asked me that tonight and I consulted with 2 psychiatrists today that are in a networking group I belong too and they both advised to wait until the children and her are with a counselor that could help them relay the message more tactfully.
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #20 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-20-2016, 05:20 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

She is driving back today and it is now about 6:15 EST. I am a bit anxious to actually hear her voice again since it has been over a week. Any suggestions on what to talk about or not to talk about when I hear from her? I really am nervous and not understanding exactly why.
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #21 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-20-2016, 09:20 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Well. Looks like I will need to wait for another night. Her family and friends were at her house and she said she was exhausted and wants to talk tomorrow instead. So tomorrow it is.
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #22 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-21-2016, 08:56 PM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Finally was able to speak on the phone with her today. She seams to be in good spirits and she is not feeling guilty she feels mad at him for doing what he did. I feel that is correct.
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #23 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-21-2016, 09:06 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Ceegee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2,603
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeesJeep1 View Post
Bandit
Thank you for paying attention. While that is something I could contemplate, it really is not my business at this point. Although, it is an important fact to know, I will concern myself with the present situation because I want to make sure they are comfortable. When things settle down I will readdress that. My thoughts are that they were not happy so the last thing I want to give more attention to is the unhappiness. I prefer to move forward. Your thoughts?


It most certainly is your business.

Deal with the present for now but you need to find the facts here.

Every relationship has some unhappiness. You need to know if she deals with this unhappiness with cheating.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Ceegee is offline  
post #24 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-21-2016, 09:30 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,231
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Blended families.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly combined in one common Containment Urn.

Time is your friend....as unsettled business drops down to the bottom of the Urn, no longer close, no longer scratching.

The scratching yet rages.

@TeesJeep1........Go slow, learn all that you can about her. Do not commit. Trust, but verify.

You have just come out from the wilderness with your own marriage.

Everyone puts up a good face in the early stages. Listen to @bandit.45 stomach grumbling.

His concern may be that she fed his anxiety. We do not know. We are super sensitive to Gaslighting on this blog.

Dig up the bones. Analyse the past.

Good Luck!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
post #25 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-22-2016, 11:53 AM
Member
 
bandit.45's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 17,269
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeesJeep1 View Post
Bandit
Thank you for paying attention. While that is something I could contemplate, it really is not my business at this point. Although, it is an important fact to know, I will concern myself with the present situation because I want to make sure they are comfortable. When things settle down I will readdress that. My thoughts are that they were not happy so the last thing I want to give more attention to is the unhappiness. I prefer to move forward. Your thoughts?
At this time don't mention it. Best thing to do is stay back and let her and the kids grieve and do what they need to do. Stay frosty and and don't make a nuisance out of yourself. Definitely don't be needy.

Later on, however, if you and her continue to get more serious, her past history is indeed your business. This isn't your first stroll down marital lane, and its not hers either. You got burned in your last marriage and you have every right to make sure that doesn't happen again. If the two of you were both single, never been married before, then yeah...I could see her not having to share every detail of her past frolics with you. But she was a married woman and how she behaved during that marriage becomes your concern if your plan is to tie the knot with her. You told us that she admitted to cheating or having some kind of revenge affair on her husband. What was the nature of that affair? Was it the only one? Was it a long term affair or a ONS? I think these are perfectly legitimate questions to ask her. If she loves and respects you and wants to go into a deeper relationship with no bones in the closet, then she should be willing to be honest with you. If not, then that is a sign she will not make a trustworthy partner.

A marriage is a contract...a business partnership. If you were the president of a corporation, and you were considering merging with another company, the first thing you would do is have your lawyer do a credit check, bankruptcy search, audit history, and outstanding lien report done on that company to make sure they are a legit operation. You would investigate every nook and cranny of that company's past business dealings before making your decision. Because the decision you make affects so many people, not just yourself. Well, marriage is no different.

See, to me, your relationship with her has REBOUND written all over it. These relationships rarely ever work out in the long run, because the two people tend to rush in without doing the required reconnaissance on each other up front. I recommend you slow down and back off. Back way way off and let her and the kids get settled into their new reality. Help them when they ask for it, but I wouldn't extend yourself out too far. Then take your time. Wait several months and see where the relationship goes. And do not let her rush you or take advantage of you.

bandit.45 is offline  
post #26 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:29 AM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceegee View Post
It most certainly is your business.

Deal with the present for now but you need to find the facts here.

Every relationship has some unhappiness. You need to know if she deals with this unhappiness with cheating.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thanks for the response. After spending time with her on Thursday morning and evening mainly having sex, I noticed feeling a bit disconnected with her and a bit uncomfortable. We did spend a little time speaking about her feelings and his death. I learned that her best friend was with her the whole time and that the best friend seems to be a bit enamored with my GF. Also the best friend seemed a bit surprised at our level of level and intimacy and it offended her, the bf. I learned about all this on Thursday evening because they were both drunk when I arrived and we spent a few hours getting to know each other. I also learned that Friday was my GF wedding Anniversary of 18 years which led to another day of reflection for her, thank God though she realized alcohol was not making this better. I really want my GF to recover as best as possible from this so I chose to do something special for the day and to commemorate there anniversary, I hired a local musician to come over and sing song a few songs at her doorstep about breathing. She loved it. At that same time she let me know finally that she felt we needed some time apart to heal. I agreed and now it's Saturday morning and the process has begun. I really feel that I needed her to say something to me about needing the time apart because I honestly was to selfish to do it on my own. Lastly we had a discussion for about and hour on things we felt each other needed to work on, I asked her to work on her selfishness and she asked to work on not putting her under a microscope and judging her. Now I will have to let it be for a bit. I am realizing that I ham acting codependent with her and want to work on that. Any suggestion on what to work on and or what to do?
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #27 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunCMars View Post
Blended families.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly combined in one common Containment Urn.

Time is your friend....as unsettled business drops down to the bottom of the Urn, no longer close, no longer scratching.

The scratching yet rages.

@TeesJeep1........Go slow, learn all that you can about her. Do not commit. Trust, but verify.

You have just come out from the wilderness with your own marriage.

Everyone puts up a good face in the early stages. Listen to @bandit.45 stomach grumbling.

His concern may be that she fed his anxiety. We do not know. We are super sensitive to Gaslighting on this blog.

Dig up the bones. Analyse the past.

Good Luck!
Thank for the response. I am listening at this point and gathering the information. She feels like I am being over judgmental. That's ok because I wanted to be sure I had the information correct so that any conclusions I make are clear.
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #28 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:38 AM Thread Starter
Forum Supporter
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 42
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bandit.45 View Post
At this time don't mention it. Best thing to do is stay back and let her and the kids grieve and do what they need to do. Stay frosty and and don't make a nuisance out of yourself. Definitely don't be needy.

Later on, however, if you and her continue to get more serious, her past history is indeed your business. This isn't your first stroll down marital lane, and its not hers either. You got burned in your last marriage and you have every right to make sure that doesn't happen again. If the two of you were both single, never been married before, then yeah...I could see her not having to share every detail of her past frolics with you. But she was a married woman and how she behaved during that marriage becomes your concern if your plan is to tie the knot with her. You told us that she admitted to cheating or having some kind of revenge affair on her husband. What was the nature of that affair? Was it the only one? Was it a long term affair or a ONS? I think these are perfectly legitimate questions to ask her. If she loves and respects you and wants to go into a deeper relationship with no bones in the closet, then she should be willing to be honest with you. If not, then that is a sign she will not make a trustworthy partner.

A marriage is a contract...a business partnership. If you were the president of a corporation, and you were considering merging with another company, the first thing you would do is have your lawyer do a credit check, bankruptcy search, audit history, and outstanding lien report done on that company to make sure they are a legit operation. You would investigate every nook and cranny of that company's past business dealings before making your decision. Because the decision you make affects so many people, not just yourself. Well, marriage is no different.

See, to me, your relationship with her has REBOUND written all over it. These relationships rarely ever work out in the long run, because the two people tend to rush in without doing the required reconnaissance on each other up front. I recommend you slow down and back off. Back way way off and let her and the kids get settled into their new reality. Help them when they ask for it, but I wouldn't extend yourself out too far. Then take your time. Wait several months and see where the relationship goes. And do not let her rush you or take advantage of you.
Thank you for the response.
Your advice is exactly the way I have to go. Mainly because there was very few options left for me. In a conversation we had in the evening I did mention to her that I felt a bit used, she was not happy with that allegation but she understands that I am a direct person. I was and am a bit needy. I have chosen to step away from that and give my focus back to me, my family and work while we take this break, it will be the only way to see whats really there because the dust needs to settle. I can't say that I am not happy about this. I am looking forward to this break. My neediness was disturbing me and I really did not know what to do with it. Now I get to figure it out.

Last edited by TeesJeep1; 09-24-2016 at 11:43 AM.
TeesJeep1 is offline  
post #29 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 12:29 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: The Burbs
Posts: 411
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Sometimes you need to not say anything and just let things run their natural course.
caruso is offline  
post #30 of 97 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 09:29 PM
Forum Supporter
 
SunCMars's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: North Coast Nationalist-burg, U.S.A.
Posts: 2,231
Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TeesJeep1 View Post
Lastly we had a discussion for about and hour on things we felt each other needed to work on, I asked her to work on her selfishness and she asked to work on not putting her under a microscope and judging her. Now I will have to let it be for a bit. I am realizing that I ham acting codependent with her and want to work on that. Any suggestion on what to work on and or what to do?
Not judging her? Not putting her under a microscope?

You HAVE TO do these things before you commit to a life with her.

You do not have to share your findings, your opinions, your future actions concerning this fact finding mission [on and about.. her].

However, in the interim, you do not want to drive her away.....yet...or maybe never.

If she is the right women for you, it will be revealed.

I would do a two year courtship with her.

That should air out the closet.

Don't go West...East....South...or North........GO SLOW!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out.

The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall... Saved from harm by my friends.
SunCMars is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in









Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Need women's advice - fiance broke off engagement without warning ctb09 The Ladies' Lounge 30 09-22-2016 05:38 AM
Advice for a young couple ym96 Long Term Success in Marriage 35 09-05-2016 12:08 PM
New Need Advice Thread Needadviceplease123 General Relationship Discussion 40 07-25-2016 12:29 PM
What to do? Need advice. Please help. anewstine Going Through Divorce or Separation 17 04-07-2016 10:22 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome