My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice? - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #31 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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Not judging her? Not putting her under a microscope?

You HAVE TO do these things before you commit to a life with her.

You do not have to share your findings, your opinions, your future actions concerning this fact finding mission [on and about.. her].

However, in the interim, you do not want to drive her away.....yet...or maybe never.

If she is the right women for you, it will be revealed.

I would do a two year courtship with her.

That should air out the closet.

Don't go West...East....South...or North........GO SLOW!
Thank you for the advice.

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post #32 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-24-2016, 11:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Today she decided not to answer any text messages from me. I think she is taking the time to her self whether I like it or not. I do not find it fair after standing by her side from day 1 that she just ignores me. Call me selfish but it does not feel good, not 1 bit.
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post #33 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 01:31 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

I think it's over my friend. I'm sorry but I do think you need to move on. She used you as a crutch and a soft pad to get over her divorce, and now that the source of her unhappiness has died, she doesn't need you as a buffer anymore.

I was once used in the same way by a woman a couple years ago and it hurts bad. Once my usefulness to her was at an end I was handed my hat. I know it hurts, but it is good you are finding this out about her now and not later.
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post #34 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 06:26 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

I find hard to believe that I would attract someone so shallow and callous. It is not who I am nor is it in my nature. I want to believe something else, something different. I know I do not feel like it is over. I still feel adamant and confident the we have a future together..

Last edited by TeesJeep1; 09-25-2016 at 07:20 AM.
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post #35 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 06:33 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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I find hard to believe that I would attract someone so shallow and callous. It is not who I am nor is it in my nature. I want to believe something else, something different. I know I do not feel like it is over. I still feel adamant and confident of having a future with her.
It's not shallow or callous. Just selfish. It's not that she does not have affection for you, it's just that the affection she had for you had a finite statute of limitations. You just weren't made aware of it.

You were her stand-in placeholder husband while she was detaching from her real husband. You served your purpose and it is time for you to go now. "Shoo shoo! Go away..."

Seriously, walk away and don't look back. Take her number off your phone and block her calls. She's a proven cheater anyway. And I guarantee you only got a tenth of the whole story. Why would you want a woman like this? Don't let her back in. Just walk away from it.
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post #36 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 08:15 AM
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Cool Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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It's not shallow or callous. Just selfish. It's not that she does not have affection for you, it's just that the affection she had for you had a finite statute of limitations. You just weren't made aware of it.

You were her stand-in placeholder husband while she was detaching from her real husband. You served your purpose and it is time for you to go now. "Shoo shoo! Go away..."

Seriously, walk away and don't look back. Take her number off your phone and block her calls. She's a proven cheater anyway. And I guarantee you only got a tenth of the whole story. Why would you want a woman like this? Don't let her back in. Just walk away from it.
Weve got something in common, Bandito! And you were one of my most revered and respected "coaches!"

In my heart, I now know that my RSXW was much that way and I was just too damned stupid/nave to rationally or objectively realize it!

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"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-t...andonment.html
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post #37 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 08:41 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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Today she decided not to answer any text messages from me. I think she is taking the time to her self whether I like it or not.
You both agreed to take a break from each other, so stop texting her for now. It comes across as needy and clingy.
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post #38 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 09:57 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

My two cents..if this is true..her husband, a possessive ogre has killed himself. She spent a lot of time with the dude and he did that. Here she is in another relationship and it may just be too much for her thus her distance.

Doesn't help that the OP seems to be clingy and needy, surely if you're such a nice guy and profess to want the best for her then all your supposed help should be out of the kindness of your heart..no?

She wants space but you're sending her texts then acting hurt when she doesn't reply. Sort of thinking, again if this is true that she's dealing with the fallout of the suicide not just on her but on her children as well seeing as they've also lost their father.

Give her space and let her deal with everything. To be honest your relationship looks to be over as it seemed it was a rebound relationship in the first place.

And yes she maybe "selfish" but something cataclysmic just upturned her world, it's barely been a week. Doesn't she deserve to be "selfish" just to reassess her life?

Let her breathe man.
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post #39 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 10:47 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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My two cents..if this is true..her husband, a possessive ogre has killed himself. She spent a lot of time with the dude and he did that. Here she is in another relationship and it may just be too much for her thus her distance.

Doesn't help that the OP seems to be clingy and needy, surely if you're such a nice guy and profess to want the best for her then all your supposed help should be out of the kindness of your heart..no?

She wants space but you're sending her texts then acting hurt when she doesn't reply. Sort of thinking, again if this is true that she's dealing with the fallout of the suicide not just on her but on her children as well seeing as they've also lost their father.

Give her space and let her deal with everything. To be honest your relationship looks to be over as it seemed it was a rebound relationship in the first place.

And yes she maybe "selfish" but something cataclysmic just upturned her world, it's barely been a week. Doesn't she deserve to be "selfish" just to reassess her life?

Let her breathe man.
Bobsimmons, thank you for your straight forward comments. I know for a fact that I am being clingy & needy. I too have been affected by this mans death, as have my children, of course not as much as there family. Suicide affects everyone near and far. I know she needs the space and that's why I made the choice distance myself last night. Not all of us "get" things right away. When you are in the eye of the storm it is hard too see light at times. Here is the next part, I don't feel used, I gained a lot from this relationship, she helped me with things I didn't know emotionally that I needed help with. We actually want this relationship to be so strong that 1 month into it we decided together to go see a relationship coach because we knew that our past relationships were not the way too go. We knew the euphoria we were feeling could wear off and then reality might set in that we still had some things to work on. None if this was an act, I feel it was genuine.
I will give her the space she needs for as long as she needs it.
I feel and believe that we will find our way back to each other if that's how things should be.
I do miss her, but more importantly, I want to see her and her family happy and healthy.
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post #40 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 10:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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You both agreed to take a break from each other, so stop texting her for now. It comes across as needy and clingy.
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Thanks for the response Happy.
You guys have no idea how much help you all have been in this process. It's a bit embarrassing sharing some of these things.
As far as leaving her alone goes, it's done. I have now backed away and have chosen not to communicate anymore.

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post #41 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-25-2016, 10:55 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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It's not shallow or callous. Just selfish. It's not that she does not have affection for you, it's just that the affection she had for you had a finite statute of limitations. You just weren't made aware of it.

You were her stand-in placeholder husband while she was detaching from her real husband. You served your purpose and it is time for you to go now. "Shoo shoo! Go away..."

Seriously, walk away and don't look back. Take her number off your phone and block her calls. She's a proven cheater anyway. And I guarantee you only got a tenth of the whole story. Why would you want a woman like this? Don't let her back in. Just walk away from it.
I will give this idea some thought.
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post #42 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-27-2016, 02:50 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Hi jeep,
I hope you're holding up. One thing that stood out to me is that you called her selfish. You also mentioned that you and your kids were grieving as well. Regarding that, there is no comparison so if you expect her to comfort you, you are asking too much. You guys didn't lose anyone.
And calling her selfish for whatever reason makes no sense during these early days.
My boyfriend (now husband) was a great source of comfort, mainly because he was there when we could steal a moment but the kids came first because they were grieving hard in the early days and first 3-4 months. I was long divorced and didn't cry until about six months later other than the first day, and that was for my kids.

He helped there too. He's a widower so that helped, has no kids of his own.
If you haven't been in contact, maybe a card to acknowledge her pain, and take back the selfish comment, with no expectation of a response. If that had been said to me I'd have never looked back.

Of course, others are giving you advice to examine the entire relationship. Me, I'm trying to look out for everyone in the moment. Peace to you.
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post #43 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-27-2016, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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Hi jeep,
I hope you're holding up. One thing that stood out to me is that you called her selfish. You also mentioned that you and your kids were grieving as well. Regarding that, there is no comparison so if you expect her to comfort you, you are asking too much. You guys didn't lose anyone.
And calling her selfish for whatever reason makes no sense during these early days.
My boyfriend (now husband) was a great source of comfort, mainly because he was there when we could steal a moment but the kids came first because they were grieving hard in the early days and first 3-4 months. I was long divorced and didn't cry until about six months later other than the first day, and that was for my kids.

He helped there too. He's a widower so that helped, has no kids of his own.
If you haven't been in contact, maybe a card to acknowledge her pain, and take back the selfish comment, with no expectation of a response. If that had been said to me I'd have never looked back.

Of course, others are giving you advice to examine the entire relationship. Me, I'm trying to look out for everyone in the moment. Peace to you.
Thank you for your comment Seasong. I have realized some things as of late. The first 1 being that there is no need for the selfish comment although I know I am and I am ok with that. On the other hand I have never used that word with her, I might express it on here but I am certainly not going to say that to her. As far as her and I go I am just taking it 1 day at a time even though there is no communication.
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post #44 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-28-2016, 07:56 PM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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Lastly we had a discussion for about and hour on things we felt each other needed to work on, I asked her to work on her selfishness and she asked to work on not putting her under a microscope and judging her. Now I will have to let it be for a bit. I am realizing that I ham acting codependent with her and want to work on that. Any suggestion on what to work on and or what to do?
Hi Jeep
This is what I had in mind in my last response. Either way, one can only hope she is managing her situation in healthy ways. In the meantime, take care of you and your precious children. I'm sure you are a great father!
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post #45 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-29-2016, 09:40 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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Hi Jeep
This is what I had in mind in my last response. Either way, one can only hope she is managing her situation in healthy ways. In the meantime, take care of you and your precious children. I'm sure you are a great father!
Thanks for responding seasong. I am a good father and a good person all around. I have my faults and I fess up to them.We have spoken through text about every other day and she went for her first jog again yesterday. I asked her if we could have a coffee or a jog together and she said not yet and same with a visit, another time. I get it. She does not seem to mind the texts. The celebration of life ceremony takes place this Saturday and I plan on waiting till Monday to ask her if we can sit down and visit with each other. I also am choosing not to communicate with her until that time unless she initiates it. I miss her but I realized that pushing will only cause more pushing away from her end, so space seems like the logical option, to let her come back in at her pace.
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