My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice? - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 11:51 PM Thread Starter
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My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Hi everyone,
My GF and I met on a dating site and instantly bonded. I found out on our 1st date that she was in the process of a divorce. I asked all the questions that I could to determine that this was a permanent thing. we live in NC and it takes 1 year to complete a divorce. Her husband was volatile, bi-polar, alcoholic and did drugs. Our relationship was different from anything I have ever experienced. We devolved our friendship equally with love. She has a 16 yr old daughter and 13 yr old son. I have a 9 yr old daughter and 8 yr old son. I am divorced. During the process of dating her the last 4 months we have dealt with her husbands vol ital nature, stalking and anger issues as he sees his own GF. This is why she has left him all the reasons I just described. Recently, he lost his job and and told her he was finally moving out on a permanent basis so she could spend more time with the kids, she had briefly moved out while getting a restraining order for him. Her and my children adore/love each other as I do her and vice versa. It may still be early but we have a very strong connection. Next it is Monday and he was supposed to be out looking for a job, instead he gets in a car accident and then shoots himself in the head while waiting for police to arrive. Not sure if had threatened suicide before this. She left to be by his side in the hospital and now has been with his family in mourning the last 5 days along with her 2 children. Tomorrow she will bury him and I will say I do feel guilty to a degree as she probably does. We spoke briefly, daily until today. The wake was today funeral tomorrow. Any advice on how I should/shouldn't proceed forward?

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post #2 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-18-2016, 11:59 PM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Since her divorce had been filed before you met her, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for.

He was seeing someone else, right? Did he cheat during the marriage or only start dating after the divorce is filed?

He was clearly a troubled man. Often, part of the motivation to commit suicide is to punish someone with guilt. Sounds like it's working. I hope that the two of you can work through this.
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post #3 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 12:08 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

He was seeing someone. He had cheated on her a few times. She had told me the 1st time it happened, she did after the fact as well. He was 41 she is 35. 1st time it happened she was 25. So he cheated during the marriage.
We will work through this, I am sure. Just looking for some guidance and knowledge. It is a challenge at this point. She just texted in and said the children were asking how exactly the death occurred.
Any advice on what to say to them and why that suggestion?
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post #4 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 12:31 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Jeep,
So sorry you are here for this reason. Yes, her teens deserve to know the truth. They most likely already knew he had dealt with mental health issues. They need to know it wasn't their fault, that they couldn't have prevented it and he wasn't thinking right. If they ask more questions, she can answer as they ask.
This will affect your children as well. The entire relationship will be changed. Do not be jealous if she mourns him. And help her get her kids in therapy if possible. So sorry.
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post #5 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 12:51 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Thank you for your response. Telling them at the funeral could be very difficult but I will relay the message. It has already affected my children and I. By chance we were already seeing a couples therapist because we had both been through difficult relationships so we want a strong foundation. As far the our relationship goes, I feel things will play its course and I am accepting of this as I suppose she is as well. She has mourned him and I support that 110%. For her not too would very uncomfortable for me and would be just plain weird. I have already found a therapist, just need to get her approval on that.
I will update tomorrow what happens after the funeral.
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post #6 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 01:15 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

I would not tell the children at the funeral. It needs to be done well before or after.

Since the funeral is tomorrow, just telling them that there was an accident and she will talk to them at length a day or so after the funeral. Things are most likely too charged right now.

Also, who is talking at the funeral. Will they be saying that it was a suicide?

One of my nephews died. The police mistakenly reported it as a suicide but it was later determined that someone put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. But at the funeral, the priest/minister (donít' know which) started talking about her son's sin of suicide. She was furious. And now she cannot roll back that narrative with most of the people who were at the funeral. What does she do? Send out a memo... "Oh just to let you know, the priest is a jerk and told you all something untrue?" There is coming back from that. For children, having that told at a funeral, true or not, is a stigma that they will have a problem handling.
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post #7 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 06:40 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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I would not tell the children at the funeral. It needs to be done well before or after.

Since the funeral is tomorrow, just telling them that there was an accident and she will talk to them at length a day or so after the funeral. Things are most likely too charged right now.

Also, who is talking at the funeral. Will they be saying that it was a suicide?

One of my nephews died. The police mistakenly reported it as a suicide but it was later determined that someone put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. But at the funeral, the priest/minister (donít' know which) started talking about her son's sin of suicide. She was furious. And now she cannot roll back that narrative with most of the people who were at the funeral. What does she do? Send out a memo... "Oh just to let you know, the priest is a jerk and told you all something untrue?" There is coming back from that. For children, having that told at a funeral, true or not, is a stigma that they will have a problem handling.
Glad someone else agreed with that sentiment. I did not feel good about telling her to tell them at the funeral. Any advice on what to do or not do when she comes back to town? I was going to propose to her that I help with her children as far as daily duties go until she feels well enough to that on her own. Also wanted to suggest taking her and her children to a local therapist as well as to my church which has some counseling available. Thoughts?
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post #8 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 09:51 AM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

HI Jeep
I didn't mean to imply you tell them at the funeral. I must have misread what you wrote. It would have been better to have let them know the truth before, so that if anyone there talks about it, they don't hear it in total surprise.
Yes, you can make those suggestions if she is open to them. My kids lost their father unexpectedly (we had been divorced for a few years and he was remarried). Only one of mine was open to therapy (middle child, a teen).
But all three have deep faith and relied on that. I didn't force my youngest, who was a preteen but she came to me when sadness overwhelmed her. My oldest was already out on his own. I was dating at the time and that helped me. My ex had many issues as well.
You can also help her get the kids signed up for social security death benefits. The sooner she gets started, the sooner they will get benefits started. She can file too if the marriage was ten or more years. I never filed for myself since I am disabled but it helped out with the kids.
I hope all goes as well as it can for her family and yours.
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post #9 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 04:13 PM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

You could say you're partially responsible because he felt he was being replaced and that put him over the edge.

That's why you're not supposed to date married people.
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post #10 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 04:20 PM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

I don't want to seem insensitive but it's a positive development for you. He would have been a challenge to your relationship forever. He's dead now. After the shock of that wears off you two will be in an even better place. For now just be there for her emotionally to work through it and you two will come out the other side golden.

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post #11 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 04:22 PM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Don't expect her to just bounce right back from the death of her ex.

It's going to stir up lots of sheat.
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post #12 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 06:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

Thank you.
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post #13 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 06:25 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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Last edited by TeesJeep1; 09-19-2016 at 06:30 PM.
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post #14 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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I don't want to seem insensitive but it's a positive development for you. He would have been a challenge to your relationship forever. He's dead now. After the shock of that wears off you two will be in an even better place. For now just be there for her emotionally to work through it and you two will come out the other side golden.
Love positive affirmations. Thank you for that. I would never wish death on anyone and if it was possible it would be great to have him back alive, I have learned a lot more about him since his passing, was an unstable yet good person in general it seems.
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post #15 of 92 (permalink) Old 09-19-2016, 06:31 PM
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Re: My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?

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He was seeing someone. He had cheated on her a few times. She had told me the 1st time it happened, she did after the fact as well. He was 41 she is 35. 1st time it happened she was 25. So he cheated during the marriage.
We will work through this, I am sure. Just looking for some guidance and knowledge. It is a challenge at this point. She just texted in and said the children were asking how exactly the death occurred.
Any advice on what to say to them and why that suggestion?
Hold up.....


She cheated on him too? What kind of affair was it? A revenge affair? Long term or one-night-stand?


Did she ever cheat on him at any other time in their marriage? I have a gut twinge that you are not getting the whole story.
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