Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 10:01 PM Thread Starter
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Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

On Friday (the 18th) my father-in-law passed away unexpectedly. We thought he had tripped over something on our front porch and was having trouble breathing (previous health problems) so we got him into a patio chair and I went inside to get his oxygen machine and my wife went to grab her phone to call and ambulance to take him to the hospital. I looked outside as I got his machine and saw that he was slumped backwards in the chair. I tried waking him up thinking he passed out but he was not responding. My wife had the neighbor come up and help us get him out of the chair and we started CPR on him.

The ambulance arrived but after working on him for 15 minutes he was pronounced dead. My wife is dealing with it OK, but I am having a hard time dealing with the fact that I pretty much saw him die. We are both relieved that he is no longer in pain since he has had a few heart attacks and at least one stroke. I just can't shake the feeling that if I would have done something sooner he might still be with us today and that I was one of the last people to talk to/help him before he passed.

Is there any way to get through this other than time? My wife doesn't hold anything against me for it but I can't help wondering "what if" since this......

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 10:39 PM
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Re: Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

Don't beat yourself up man. What's done is done, think about the future. I can't really answer as to whether you could have done anything or not, since I don't know what he died of. But if it was another heart attack, a defibrillator is a must have. So unless you had one of those, CPR was the best you could do, and you gave him the very best chance of a successful defibrillation.

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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-29-2016, 11:22 PM
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Re: Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

Oh, ZDog, I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your wife.

As quickly as everything happened, I really don't think that there is anything that you could have done differently. Even if you had been in an emergency room when this happened, it very well might have turned out the exact same way--even the very best doctors can't save everyone. You did the best the you could have done in the situation.

And I hope you can take comfort in the fact that he didn't have to die alone--he was with loved ones when he passed. Maybe it isn't exactly what one pictures when they think of "being surrounded by loved ones"... but then again, very little in life turns out the way we expect.

*hugs*

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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:02 AM
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Re: Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

Multiple heart-attacks, a stroke, and on supplemental oxygen describes a man in the most fragile of health. The event could have happened in an ER and he might not have pulled through.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 12:18 AM
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Re: Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

It is natural to feel that way when you are with someone who dies. You wonder if you could have changed anything. Even physicians do this (I do) - sometimes I go home and second-guess myself even though I know I did all I could. It is human nature.

It is almost a certainty that there was nothing you could have done to prevent the outcome, EVEN if you were a mind-reader and knew what was going on. You did all you could and then some.

If not for you, he would have died on the floor of the front porch. As it was, he knew you two were there with him and that had to be a huge comfort to him in a scary situation.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 06:54 AM
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Cool Re: Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

Do not place yourself on a guilt trip over all of this! It is all too likely that your FIL was of such a weakened physical condition, that it was preeminently his time to go!

I really do feel that your W understands and accepts this and you will need to try to come to grips with it as well!

So sorry for your painful loss, but please rest comfortable in the fact of all of the good and productive years that he led while on this earthly plain, and that he is now is a far, far better place!

My prayers remain with you all!!

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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 06:55 AM
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Re: Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

Quote:
Originally Posted by VermisciousKnid View Post
Multiple heart-attacks, a stroke, and on supplemental oxygen describes a man in the most fragile of health. The event could have happened in an ER and he might not have pulled through.


This ^^^

My dad died this month. My mom was with him.

I had just bought plane tickets to see him within a few days. He died before I could get to see him. We thought he had weeks or months. Not one more day.

Take comfort that he passed with family.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-30-2016, 07:56 AM
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Re: Dealing with seeing father-in-law pass

Don't blame yourself Z. It was his time to go.
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