02-21-2012, 02:05 PM
Join Date: Feb 2012
| | Non supportive husband
I need help with opinions and advice. Will constructively take any and all that is posted.
I have been married four and a half years, since 2007. We are both highly placed professionals. We are from different countries (our families live in different countries too) and we also have an age gap - he is 17 years older.
When we married, I was in my late thirties. We discussed clearly my responsibilities with my family and that we would have to split time between countries.
My mom fell ill in 2009; I moved back to my country because I wanted to and I could not see any other way. We have lived apart since then. I have made trips back for a couple of weeks every couple of months back and forth at great personal financial and emotional cost. He has not supported me with either. Despite these efforts, I have been constantly blamed through these years for not giving our marriage any importance. My reasons or efforts have not been considered at all. Not once has he come to spend time with me through this time. I was last there with him in September.
I lost my mother last month. My mother is my very best friend and support. I have lost my anchor in - it is undescribable. I am in shock and experience disbelief and waves of grief constantly.
He came for four days last month, complained that I was ignoring him and not treating him right. The house was full of people and maybe I did not focus on him more. I don't know. But he was not once supportive through these past three years in any which way and I dont know how I should have turned to him and leant on him when he finally did come.
I asked him yesterday, if he would come and spend a couple of weeks with me, help me through my crisis, till i sort things out. He says he cannot make the time, that his schedule is packed, that he resents the fact that we have lived apart and dont have a relationship and yet he is suddenly expected to behave like a husband. I have like I said kept traveling to see him at least seven eight times each year on my own dime. And this was the worst he said - that I dont even act like I have a crisis.
I dont cry in public. I am somewhat quiet and am not givne to public displays of grief. What I do indeed do is stand up for myself when unfairly treated. And so it might seem that I talk in a ?coldly logical way about his unfair treatment of me, when I should be crying over my grief. I cannot indignify my mother by using grief to get him to respond.
What should I do? What do I make of all this? I think he is behaving like an inhuman jerk but no amount of reasoning with him makes him understand that. He says that all other men in his situation would behave similarly. I am so unhappy with the way he treats me; that unhappiness mixes with my grief in an unbearable mixture of emotion. I sometimes feel I should leave this marriage, but am afraid I dont have the courage. I worry that he will take a step before I say something and that will only add more insult to all the injuries suffered. I dont know how to react. I dont know where I am headed.
Please help. Thanks much.
Last edited by betterangels; 02-21-2012 at 02:15 PM.