03-04-2012, 01:43 PM
Join Date: Dec 2011
| | what now? i feel lost.. so so lost
hello, wll here is my story ?(will make it short). my first girlfriend became my wife. she is the only woman i've been with in anyway. I've been with her since I was 15 and married her at 28. I'm now 36 (no kids by choice). we have never lived alone since we got married and after time I became distant because I'm shy. I forgot o show her my love and I became deppressed. I don't know if it was her mom's death that started it, or feeling like I would never live alone with my wife. All I know is that my mom died in 08 and I was already in a shell by then. I never matured. still haven't . I have not reached my potential to this day. my wife was the bread winner at 90K (masters degree) and i make 10k at most (still going to school about to graduate bs this year). she did everything for me and i couldn't give her anything in return.
In sept she asked me to move out for two weeks I refused but she asked if i loved her that i would do it, that she needed this for herself. so i did and two days later i received an email telling me she was divorcing me and that there's nothing I could do. sure enough she filed within one month.
question 1. is she doing this out of anger?
i tried talking to her on the phone many times but she would hang up within 5 minutes. she said she would never come back etc.
last time i talked to her was 2 months ago. she said that love was never our problem. that i should reflect and see my mistakes. i told her I would change and that I would show her my love. She began to cry and said she wouldnt believe me and she hung up the phone. I have not talked to her since.
her brother called me 1 week ago to check how im doing. I said some days are better than most but that I love her and miss her. He informed me that she is not dating. that she works alot and avoids people when she gets home. that she often gets angry at him and tha she does not seem her self lately.
I often drift and dont say my full story but i do accept the fact I have to change. so here is a list that I call bad habits i must change or feel (lonely,lazy,unmotivated, weight gain, gambling, openup, unhappy, sad,) my good qualities (good heart,loyal,faithful) what have i done to change (went back to school, stopped gambling (i know i will never gamble again im sure of this) got a second job.
Honestly i try everyday to better myself and i do positive things. I still need to start exercising. I need so much still. I have grown alot in 4 months but I know I need more. I feel I have done all I could bymyself and Im not so close minded not to see I need a helping hand. I am going to seek professional help to deal with this.
I love that girl so so much, she's always on my mind and I want to focus on me. I lack love for myself. I hope she can forgive my illness but I want to truly fix this 100%. Im scared that if she doesn't come back, I'll be stuck in this moment. I can't make her believe in our marriage but I have to much on my mind and I don't know where to start
heres my stress on a daily basis im in a rush to finish school, to pay bills, to get healthy, to love myself, to get my wife back. Sometimes its too much for me. I want to love myself so much that I write it down to convince myself then I SAY no no you don't not yet. So at least I'm honest. She is all I know.
all I want, I love her, I married her cause I love her not to divorce her. we share the same friends so I had to distance myself because I dont feel right them seeying me one day and being with her the next. Then one day if she begins to date what then? my friends drinking and going out with the new guy? not cool not cool at all. so i admit I'm a mess. I'm trying I really am. I'm willing to try anything that will help me progress. I feel I have not done everything I can to save my marriage so someone telling me to forget her is not an option. I believe in marriage and I fell the same way about her as I did when I was 15. puppy eyes. Last I saw her was Oct. I saw love in her eyes for me but I also saw anger and hurt. she said in a year or two if i changed but not now.
but she needs space. she wants nothing to do with me. it's so painful the way she did it. email. then just shut me out of her life completely.