I'm new here because life has been funny, as of late. Most of my friends won't give me the time of day to listen so I'll turn to the less dark side of the internet.
I'm a 20 year old guy going to college and working part time (deliver for Jimmy John's) who just recently learned the truth about his dad. From 5 to 8 years old I used to have these really bad nightmares. But one night (March 13th, 2000) I dreamed that my old man committed suicide... but then I woke up and he was actually dead. He was a Scout Sniper for the USMC, a real standup Marine but in hindsight a very lackluster father. He'd spank or otherwise beat me or my sister most everyday if he wasn't out at the bar getting drunk or siphoning money out of my mom's paychecks for cocaine (on top of all the pain meds he was on to deal with sounds he sustained during his service). For the longest time I did my best to think highly of him so that his absence would be one filled with what few good memories I did have.
That is, until November of 2010, when my ex was rummaging through some of what few things of his that were left here looking for jewelry to pawn because she'd emptied out my bank account twice. Found a folded up note that I'd never seen before so I asked to read it. It was the last thing my dad ever wrote before he died. He'd gotten a vase of flowers for my mom not long after the divorce and in 30 days he'd allegedly found God through the help of one Sister Diana and said he was sorry for how he was. Impersonal as he never apologized to all of us individually (and now that I think about it, Devil being in the details, he really didn't mean what he wrote) but nonetheless I cried for 15 minutes. For all of 2011 I struggled very heavily with what the implications of his letter were... I remember the flowers and even at 7 years old this feeling of dread that I shouldn't have been around my old man.
He used to keep a rifle behind the front door and I found out in the last year that I was actually supposed to die at six years old by that or his sidearm, but my mother got the divorce right on time.
This December I showed my step dad (I trust him with some things) the note and he said something that pieced everything together for me; that wasn't the first time. My original dad had ploys he worked with my mom because she was the only person that tried to live with how he was at that point in his life. Always yelling and screaming or breaking things...
I've had a few father-like figures in my life but never anyone that consistent. I had one uncle that was very good to me but he died along with my aunt and cousin (all on separate days and from different causes but all in just a few years). Me and my stepdad are cool but he's retired, I'm going to college, and more or less we're just buds.
I'm emotionally crippled because after my dad's suicide, my ma never treated me like her son; I was always her well behaved accident. To this day I feel very little mortal pain or any sort of emotional stake in my relationships (though that is mostly because I've been used extensively or the other person doesn't want to put in so I refuse to do Everything to keep the friendship going).
I know this has no real tie with marriage to my end, but I don't know where else to ask about something like this. Although, relevant to the site, me and my mother did raise my niece and nephew for a lot of the first year they were alive and I found out I'm very good with kids (my sister had twins, one boy one girl). My sister lives with my brother in law 3 hours south of us (3 back then, 5 now) so we always drove down and took care of Everything. (Me and my mom did more work on that house than they did).
In the last year, since my mom married my stepdad, I've been viewed with less of a stigma but being in college and out of high school, find it hard to make friends. I'm apparently an exceptional acquaintance. I meet a lot of people but either get used or conveniently, they only know and talk to me when they have problems. I'm 6' 3" and 270, and someone I thought was a good friend for the last couple of years... I'd go out of my way to visit them and make sure life was all fine (very turbulent and argumentative marriage and I was some of the only calm to it), but all of a sudden the only time they ever see me is when they're moving and ask for my help. I almost wanted to ask if they were out of their ****in' mind. I have no problem helping, but after how much I put into that relationship, that's the only time they can afford to take out to see me back? Hell no.
I guess then, my question, forum, is given the above, if you had to live with knowing that your dad almost killed you and a few of your friends know but at the end of the day nobody cares enough to see you or really reach out, what would you do? It's not that I don't attempt to form or even foster positive or meaningful relationships, but most of the time I'm friendzoned or since I'm off drugs, no longer with the "in" crowd.
Thanks for sharing your story, I'm sure it wasn't easy to type.
One thing that comes to mind re: your question is something that a lot of people struggle with after beating an addiction, I went through it with drinking and still struggle to deal with it. That is: building a network of friends and supporters who share that common no drugs/no booze/no whatever habit. In other words, what common ground do you have that you can use to find friendships and nurture them until you get to the point where you can share your story with other people?
Hope that helps, I'm having trouble explaining what I'm trying to say so it might not be super clear...
Hi Apoc sorry you here and thanks for sharing your painful story I would suggest Individual Counseling you mentioned that you are in school most colleges offer these types of services free for students
I would suggest talking to the someone in the student union bldg for sure or your degree advisor please do this for yourself it will take some time and it will be painful but eventually you will deal with it in a healthy way. and it will not effect you now or in the future whatever doesnt kill us makes us stronger and you can walk through this with therapy my ex-wife did something very similar in front of our then 4 yoa daughter well she is 21 now and has really blossomed into a great, mature daughter that any father would be proud to call his daughter these actions affected her so much at such a young age very tramatic anyway through intensive therapy she is doing awesome and i encourage you to do the same
To devin621: I hear what you're sayin'. Unfortunately a couple of old friends no longer have me around that much because I don't drink or do anything else in these days, but I've had enough good friendships that staying away from all of it has gotten a lot easier. Well, never easy (I struggle too, and I think all humanity does when it quits), but sustainable. I teach my friends how to and enjoy shooting myself and use it as a means to blow steam when I can afford the gas money and lead to go to the range. But past that, I just did my first real half marathon (my time was terrible at 3:30 when a good time is 1:15 to 1:45 but I ****in' did it, and made very good time the first 10 miles) and have a lot of things to help resist the urge. I do spend a depressing amount of time in my room alone because of school work but spring semester ends this week with finals next, then I just have math for summer school. It's good to know I'm not the only person to turn to friends to deal with it.
In_The_Wind: They do but honestly, I don't want it on my record. I cleared a 90 out of 100 on the enlisted screening test for the Army and hope to join in a year. I'm open to the idea though and honestly thinking about going this autumn, when they'll be in, if it wouldn't go on my record. I'm not damaged goods, but by my own admission, I am emotionally crippled from how my parents were to me. Not in an autistic way but in that I find it hard to have emotional stake in my relationships because I've been used and lied to so much, even up to the details about my old man's death (although that, I can understand.)
That's good to hear counseling worked for your daughter though and honestly if I can go somewhere that won't put it on my record I would very gladly go sometime.
In_The_Wind: They do but honestly, I don't want it on my record. I cleared a 90 out of 100 on the enlisted screening test for the Army and hope to join in a year. I'm open to the idea though and honestly thinking about going this autumn, when they'll be in, if it wouldn't go on my record. I'm not damaged goods, but by my own admission, I am emotionally crippled from how my parents were to me. Not in an autistic way but in that I find it hard to have emotional stake in my relationships because I've been used and lied to so much, even up to the details about my old man's death (although that, I can understand.)
That's good to hear counseling worked for your daughter though and honestly if I can go somewhere that won't put it on my record I would very gladly go sometime.
Things that happen to as a child can have long lasting effects in all areas of your life ie relationships, marriages, and even when you have children yourself I am just encouraging you to consider some outside help in dealing with emotional tramua which is what has happened to you the fact that you are talking about is awesome and will help some If i could i would also mention writing about it as well these are things you can do now to help you through the process and once written about i would have a cermonial burning or something of your notes that way its just between you and god
I most definitely would not deny the validity of your statement; however, I made conscious efforts to work against turning for the worse because of what was done for me.
Such as in my relationships, I'm a very supportive but at the same time strong person. I've helped a lot of people through depression and prevented attempts at suicide. I've also stood up in force against physical adversity. In marriage I can't speak but I'm not too different, in romantic relationships. I support who I'm with and always opt that we openly communicate and the comms only go sour if the other person backs me into a corner and demands answers instead of simply asking for my opinion on a matter (my ex just freaking the f out instead of asking me or saying what's wrong), but I think that's just a human response. By my own admission, I once had an emotional affair but only after multiple instances of where the person I was with spoke so lowly of me that they got me to load my 12ga and put it up to my temple (multiple occasions) and rather than say sorry or ask what's wrong, all she did was nag and ***** about how much of a loser I was. I wouldn't try to justify infidelity at any level but I think anyone in that situation would look for any minimum level of comfort as they make way to get out of that bad of a relationship. It wasn't that I was Beta and a loser but I found out I was the sugar daddy because the person she really wanted to pork was in jail; what's fantastic is I'm actually almost 100% sure she did cheat on me (it took her an AWFULLY long time to get that DVD back to her ex once he got out of jail and she seemed a little too ****in' tight lipped for my taste to talk about what happened once she got in the house) while we were together. Only had such a low opinion because, well, I was a stop gap, not a human being to be valued for how much they did, nevermind how much I provided...
As far as the writing and book burning, I appreciate your input, but honestly, that just isn't my style. When I wrote my autobio the first time and kept it, that's when I felt good and honestly stabilized a whole friggin lot of what was eating me up to that point, knowing that the truth about my life was there, and that maybe someday someone else could see it worth letting in on it (instead of letting some ***** fool me again).
I definitely hear you though, about it being between me and God. I don't claim Christianity because of how a lot of Christians treat other people but I do my best to follow the Bible. In the last five months I've slowed down being such an enormous potty mouth. Finding my old man's final letter and then learning the truth has been hard but now that the sting is coming to a close with settling in, it's not so traumatic. For the most part I am honestly a very content person because I do my best to improve my quality of life if I find something lacking, it's just my friends and people that I trust that often see me as depressed because they're the only people I'll tell the truth to or, like this, a forum where there's no social connections that tie back to me.
To everyone responding though, it does help a lot, knowing that you guys, whoever you all are or wherever you hail from, do care enough to listen and provide feedback. I've trusted a few of my friends with this but everybody's in college or too good for me because I quit drugs and drinking, and opt to blow steam in healthy ways. It sucks, but if that's how thin the water runs, I say let it all flow away from me.
All of the above, it's been a lot to live with but I found out the truth in November in 2011 and here, six months later, it's becoming less painful to live with. It's still a lot, but I've made a couple of good friends and find even talking about it some goes a very long way. I'm finding something of peace,, especially now that I've done my first half marathon (it was slow as getout but I f'in did it) and I'm getting back in shape for the Army after all the crud I had to live with, both that and living situations. Not to mention getting a custom built AR-15 so I can train to be an expert rifleman (as is, sharpshooter) for Uncle Sam or the state prison, as I live two miles away from it and wouldn't mind working there. I've dealt with enough scum in my life that it wouldn't be too hard to adapt. XD
APOC, I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are young and have lots of time to heal. I would also highly encourage counseling -- there is no "record". University counseling centers place a high value on confidentiality, as well they should, and there is no way that the Army will find out that you have been in counseling unless you tell them. You have a lot going for you, so why not invest a little time and effort getting this straightened out before the next chapter in your life? Good luck!
lamaga, thank you for the kind words. Once autumn semester kicks off I'm going to see about going for it on a regular basis. My view has always been that, yes I've lived through a lot but I've never been medicated and now that I can control my rage because I finally know my dad's real story I don't have any real mental deficiencies, but I know that telling a counselor the whole story would do me a world of good.
Does the Army keep any track of your school permanent record? In 6th grade, at age 13, when it sort of finally set in, the entirety of what death was, I spent a day at the counselors for being really depressed. I told that to old Army recruiting station in my town but it was closed down and the people that run the nearest one didn't keep a lot of contact with them (I did 2 years ROTC and saw some things with it). I see what you mean though, about them not knowing unless I say something. I took the enlisted screening test and got a 90/100 and on the ASVAB, my scores were high enough for me to quality for literally any job that wasn't mechanical (I'm ok but not really versed with cars).
But nonetheless, yeah, after hearing from you guys on here I'll be going for it once the counseling people are back in.
APOC, no, there really isn't a "permanent" record, they just told us that to scare us. There is a transcript that shows grades and any academic or behavioral probations, but spending a day at the counselor's office would never show up on that. Good for you, I'll be pulling for you!
Oh wow. Well, that shows you how much trouble I got in at school. I used to fight when someone swung first but I never got caught. That being the case, awesome. I start summer math here in just a few weeks and then autumn classes in august, so I've no real qualms, going for that. And thanks man. : D
It's real difficult to feel connected to people after all that.
I have been in the same position, similar history with being used as a human shield by my mom when my dad got angry and had a gun and was outside the house irate and pointing the gun at the window where my mom stood. My dad eventually committed suicide when I was 18.
For one thing in the back of your mind when dealing with people is the knowledge that given a situation of anger or stress, people can change on a dime and turn into dangerous crazed individuals. Actually, this has happened to me twice this past spring, having two people turn like that on me, out of control due to situation and stress, and multiple times each. Talk about triggers!
The other thing is being close to someone who dies, and chooses to die. Of course you're hurt when a parent suicides, it's traumatic and trying to think about their frame of mind when they chose to do that is a scary place, and also the abandonment. Suicide is a violent act, doesn't matter if someone goes out quietly, it's still violent. Rage turned inward.
I left an abusive marriage where my ex-H was threatening doing dangerous things like soloing an ice route when he got enraged about me being sick and not being able to do the route, even though I offered to belay him...also dangerous driving, riding motorcycle without helmet even though he had one...chainsawing trees on property alone...threatening suicide by car was the biggie, after that I could not be in the car with him, ever, not even with me driving. So, effective marriage was over, even without all the other stuff.
I have a few guy friends I am really pleased with, and a woman friend all of whom are very calm and manage their emotions very well.
But I was traumatized this past spring because my boyfriend was very angry and upset at his family and also his ex or the end of his marriage two years ago...I guess the anger built up inside him and he had a brain hemorrhage, I found him in a coma. So again, dealing with someone who seemed to be very angry and upset over what appeared to be trivial things (fighting over a winter landscape print), the tone of voice, etc. And then the coma and being in the hospital and having his sister - one of the people who loses control of herself in anger - get guardianship and take him off to a nearby state and forbid him to see me, as guardian she can decide that, I could challenge it but it's not worth having to deal with her as that will lead to more trauma and I'm just going to wait it out. But effectively, it was anger environment combined with loss.
It's a repeating theme. I'm trying to avoid angry people and cultivate relationships with people who are more thoughtful and attentive to their spiritual life and who do not 'go off' about stuff when they're frustrated or angry. Yoga is a good place to find friends like that, I am also now a practicing Quaker. Ironically, I'm studying anger and aggression and intervention to intimate partner violence, this summer.
Anyway, yes, attachment disorder as well as ptsd would be likely given your history. The good thing is that you can probably attend counseling and you are young. Don't forget that it's human to be scared, confused, and hurt. You don't have to 'fix' those feelings, but it's easy to feel so anxious about your future and other things that you table these emotions as unhelpful or undesirable, but they do need to be acknowledged. Being strong isn't a good way to build relationships, being honest and in touch with vulnerability is.
: / I'm sorry you've had to live with everything in your post friend. What sucks though is I'm not emotionally disconnected because of my feelings. I've actually had a best friend for 8 years; it's just being in college a lot of people backseat me once they get a significant other or don't care enough to put effort into the friendship so I say fine, I'm gone. I try but I won't work myself to death to salvage what was.
Triggers, indeed. I don't go volatile under very high tension situations but all (wo)men are created equal, after that we grow.
That's what kills me too, as of late. I had a flood of memories and I saw so much of it, before he died. I wasn't even there when he pulled the trigger; I thought I was having a nightmare but it was my first vision, and when I woke up, mother was crying at the kitchen table and he was dead.
Woah. That is one wild ride of a marriage. That's good you got out of it though. Honestly not even sure what to say about that other then I'm glad I'm nothing like that, as a guy. As it stands I have a couple of guy friends that I'm pretty close knit with and two female friends I can talk about everything with. They're all fantastic, I just don't get to see them much because we all work or go to college.
I've had a couple of very small strokes from anger, but no coma like that. I've picked up a very mild speech impediment in time and have to put more work into memory but thankfully everything is there. Running and recreational shooting are what blow steam for me but I work a whole lot (thankfully enough delivering for Jimmy John's that I've been losing weight) and shooting is a little expensive. Yoga doesn't sound that bad. I know as a guy it'd earn me the fruitloop stereotype but I just did my first half marathon a couple months ago, maybe throwing stretching in on lazy days wouldn't be all bad.
I'm very much so a mix, of the last thing you described. I don't really have an attachment disorder though. After my dad my aunt, uncle, cousin, and a friend died and yes I missed them but I've moved on. I'm actually a little counter dependent and don't ask for help from anyone since most shirk at the idea. I just spent 9 years helping my mom build onto and around this house and learned a lot, a childhood of neglect sort of taught me how to do the rest. And I find I don't have anything that triggers Deeply rooted PTSD. If someone calls me my full name I get angry in a hurry but otherwise, I tread normally throughout life. I've seen how fragile human life is and try to be in touch with it but when I was a kid, if I cried or expressed emotion my mother would tell me to shut up and hit me, so I learned to never cry. The last time I could was with my ex... who ended up cheating on me and just using me as a free ride, at the end admitting she thought her ex in jail was so much better than me because he's hotter even though he was in for robbing some poor lady at gunpoint. Scum. People like that are why I got a lifetime permit to carry along with a rifle and a handgun. I live by a rapist and drug dealers that have stolen from my house before but wouldn't you know, only when I'm not in it. I haven't gone cold from what I survived; but I say there's no reason for evil and scum to walk the street when steps can be taken to preserve the good that we find in this world. But yeah, I try to and I'm physically incapable of crying, especially when the last person that said it was ok for me to used me that badly so it sort of just burned off all the ability I worked up to before. Trying to get back into writing or drawing but once again, my ex sorta killed the fire I had for that... I've thought about counseling but want to join Air Force. If there's no checked records for going I'd still be a little ehh about it. My sister got it to deal with depression over my dad but I ask about it and I'm told to stop being so weak. So I've lived, my whole life this way. It's not perfect but it's let me travel this far.
It sounds like you are okay being attached to people, but it's a two way street, allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Sometimes we can be too strong. I always seem to land on my feet, like a cat. I was thinking this morning I always can cope with anything that life hands me, I am determined to and do a great job of it. But in my new town where I moved I'm learning to accept help for me and my family, to allow myself to be vulnerable and needy...I have broke down and cried when others asked me how I am doing, I'm so touched by them asking. A lot of people know about my ex and how that went down and people know about my boyfriend and how that went down, too. They are really nice and encourage me to stay, my kids are getting sleepover invites now. It helps that my town is wealthy, but very low key. Nearby there is a park and it's full amenities for summer swimming $1 a day...and there is a ski area and kids ski after school in the winter, if you can't afford it then you can apply for a scholarship from the PTA...there's a community center, I found out the other day it's 'owned' by a member of the Kennedy family who live locally but run as a non-profit...my kids will go there this summer while I work. The point is, don't be too strong...ask for help.
That's amazing you had a series of small strokes from anger. Can you tell me about it? It was hard for me to accept that my boyfriend had his brain hemorrhage possibly because of intense bottled up anger along with drinking too much/too often...I mean, it almost killed him. I know I had an episode where I almost passed out, the day after his sister 'determined' that it would not be in his best interest to see me. I now do have issues with feelings of being connected.
I think it's easy to be disappointed in people, but the fact of the matter is, we work hard to keep our lives in order and shipshape and tight...we have to. But other people's lives can get messy and when they take time away from a relationship, sometimes it's difficult to get their attention and to be honest that you are feeling neglected. I've tempered my expectations of others. People get busy, they have kids, work, health issues, etc. Sometimes they just get sidetracked with whatever...the timing of relationships is a bit iffy. I find that even in a small town, people keep flitting off for the weekend...I have a friend who works in NYC, and she has a lot of pressure to make ends meet, etc. Her daughter has to go to the opthalmologist once a week...she is self-employed, they have a nice house, etc. But I get it when she is enthusiastically friendly but just not available. I have other friends on the opposite end of the spectrum who are really poor and losing their housing because their landlord is in some kind of trouble...everything is iffy for them...I get that they can't commit to anything. They live on the edge.
I used to tell my boyfriend that in order to be spontaneous, I needed a week's notice! That is kind of true. I tend to plan things and am careful not to overextend because I'm conscientious about actually being with people only if I have the time to spend with them...so that sets me up to be disappointed if someone cancels or is distracted when i spend time with them, etc. I am sure I have some kind of attachment disorder, however, there are people I am developing relationships with and I have to say it takes a lot of time.
I try to remind myself when meeting someone new, friend in town or relationship I suppose, every beginning has an ending attached to it. Even a relationship that leads to marriage, will have an end, even if it's natural. The thing is to be attached even knowing that. It's tough!
Anger is definitely an issue. Relationships can turn on a dime.
2Likes
My Old Man's Suicide 
