The Elephant in the room.. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-21-2012, 11:42 PM Thread Starter
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The Elephant in the room..

Almost 6 years ago we lost a child unexpectedly when she was just a couple of months old. To be quite honest I am not sure I ever grieved properly even though there is no proper way to do it.

For a solid year it felt like it happened just yesterday but as time moved on I snapped myself out of a deep depression for our living child. After that my husband and I completely stopped talking about her.

Actually now when her birthday or her date that she passed away comes up I get immediately uncomfortable because I know something has to be said but he doesn't like talking about her.

It has been years since I have cried in front of him about our daughter.

My husband is the type of guy who lets nothing get to him really. At times I have felt that he hasn't felt our loss as deeply as I have. I know he loves her and I know he misses her but I wonder so often if she ever just pops into his thoughts like she does in mine every day.

I think I feel a little resentment since our other daughter was born. I feel like we have talked even less about the daughter that we lost now.

I am not even sure what kind of advice I am looking for but her birthday is coming up this summer and I would really like to be able to talk to my husband about how I am feeling etc but at the same time I don't want to do this if it causes him more pain.

This time of year brings up a lot of stuff. I start to feel real anger towards his family because despite my good relationship with them not many of them even acknowledge the day and I tend to take it out on my husband even though I know it is wrong.

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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-22-2012, 12:18 AM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

You could tell him that you would like to talk about her with him. Ask him if it would cause him too much pain to do this. At least this way you won't be guessing. He just might feel like you do and want to talk about it.

Each of us handles loss differently. If he does not want to talk about her, then find someone who will even if it's a counselor.
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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-22-2012, 12:25 AM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..



A good friend of mine lost her baby at 4 months old to SIDS. It was the hardest thing i had to watch, as a friend...her suffering was beyond my capacity to help. I just listened and sat with her. It's been almost 2 years and it's not really any better.

My heart goes out to you and your husband. Both grieving...just differently. Don't think he's over her. Don't believe he doesn't care. He's just been trained to be a man about things and this is how he is.

For my friend's daughter's bday, they always release balloons. It's beautiful.

I'm sorry you experienced losing a child. My gramma lost my aunt when my aunt was 53 and my gramma said it was way worse than losing my grandpa. You are not alone... Try talking to him. Write him a letter. Maybe just say you'd like to honor her birthday with a special thing-- a cake? balloons?


Real women don't want flowers and chocolate.
They want vodka and Taco Bell.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-22-2012, 04:44 AM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

I am so sorry for your loss. Our daughter passed away a few years ago, although she was much older than yours, it still hurts.
My wife and I talk about her frequently and since she was older, we are able to laugh and remember the good times with her.

Talk to your husband about it. Talk to your family. They may remember her birthday but are afraid to bring it up to you.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-22-2012, 08:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

That_girl, I am so sorry for your friends loss.. That is what our daughter died of. I think having no answers is the worst part.

We also do a balloon release on her birthday after we visit the cemetery. I always feel though that after the balloons go up conversation is off limits but I was thinking about this last night and I am not being fair. This is how I feel and not how he feels. We just got into the habit of not bringing her up in fear of hurting each other. You are right though, men and woman grieve differently.. I remember early on I was HAPPY when I saw he punched the inside roof of the car while he was driving alone because I was afraid he, even months later was just in shock. I think my best bet at this point would be IC because I never talked to anyone after..

DanF I am also really sorry for your loss. What I have learned from this it doesn't matter if your child was 1 day old or 100 years old it is just so unnatural for the child to go first. If you don't mind me asking, have you guys ALWAYS been able to talk about her freely?
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-22-2012, 06:46 PM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

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DanF I am also really sorry for your loss. What I have learned from this it doesn't matter if your child was 1 day old or 100 years old it is just so unnatural for the child to go first. If you don't mind me asking, have you guys ALWAYS been able to talk about her freely?
Our daughter was severely handicapped and we always suspected that she would pass while we were alive. So in a way, we thought that we were prepared. We weren't.
It still hurts, but I know that where she is now, she can run and talk and sing and do whatever she wants to.

My wife and I have always and still do remember the good times and laugh at some of the things that she would do. I still have sad days and probably always will. She passed away over two years ago, but for some reason Father's Day was real hard for me this year.

All I can say is that if you talk about your baby girl and try to find the joy that you experienced in her all too brief life, I think that she will always live in your heart.
Also, I don't know if there is a "proper" or "right" way to grieve. Everyone is different and I think it would be extremely unjust to say, "My child died, too and this is what you need to do to get over it."
I don't think that I will ever "get over" the loss of my precious little girl. Sometimes I am afraid if I do, I will forget her.
As I stated, I just remember the good times and have faith that she is happy and going fishing with her grandaddy and favorite uncle.
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 06-22-2012, 07:14 PM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

Are you mad at your hub because he's not mad at his family? So you feel abandoned by him, no? You feel he doesn't protect and shield you, don't you? So tell him that.

Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? - Werner Herzog
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-02-2012, 10:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

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Are you mad at your hub because he's not mad at his family? So you feel abandoned by him, no? You feel he doesn't protect and shield you, don't you? So tell him that.


Well I really don't want him to be mad at his family, I actually care for them very much but I wish he would speak up when they disregard our daughter like she was never here. Or when one certain family member has the mentality of "good thing she was a baby and you didn't know her yet"

We had a conversation about this the other night and now I feel bad because I didn't know how hurt this made him as well but he isn't the best at communicating.
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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-03-2012, 10:24 AM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

I have come to the point that my wider family is as toxic and dysfunctional and hurtful as they will ever be and ever have been. Pointing that out to them just bounces off them. They don't get it and they never will. They say and do horrible things because they're horrible people. They're unloved and unlovable. Maybe that's the approach you need to have and chalk it up to that's the way they are, horrible.

Is there such thing as insanity among penguins? - Werner Herzog
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-06-2012, 11:55 AM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

I'm a husband. We lost our son 7 years ago. It was sudden and unexpected.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I'm tearing up just typing this.

Husbands are supposed to be the strong ones and that is the face I put on this situation. We don't express our feelings.

But you can talk to him. I bet he'll be there for you. He'll hold you like I hold my wife. I bet he'll surprise you.

As for family, no one knows what it's like to be in this "club" of ours. And since they aren't members, the tragedy of that day isn't seared into their souls like it is ours. That goes for family, too. It just isn't the same.

Over the years, the day that stings us so badly becomes just another day to them. I don't begrudge them for that. What's important is that I remember.

Best of luck.

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post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 07-06-2012, 03:14 PM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

I am so sorry for your loss.

Most people don't say anything out of fear of adding to the pain of the one who has lost someone--which it sounds like you and your h may be doing with each other. In reality, talking about the one who has died and your feelings about it is often a huge relief--a way to keep the one who is gone alive in your memories. Maybe in trying to "protect" each other, you've made a mistake. Talk about it and see. If you two are not on the same page, then decide together how to handle it. This is an area where compromise and the support of others could help you in your marriage, so do not give up.
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post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 08-16-2012, 02:30 PM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

Mrs. K, I think your idea of a counselor is a good one. Communicate your feelings to your husband and understand that he is grieving in a different ... best of luck to you and yours and my deepest condolences for everyone on this thread that has lost a child.
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post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-02-2012, 10:39 AM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

Mrs K,

I feel compelled to answer your post. My wife and I lost our son at the age of 31. He had just left home when he suddenly developed schizophrenia...He moved back in and lived with us till he died 9 years later (suicide). I am the type that dosn't let emotions show, but believe me, those emotion are there.

I found myself hiding my tears from my wife, so as not to bring out her grief. Of course we had times when we cried together, but I avoided them so as not to make her cry...

This brings about a wierd kind of resentment, as you feel your partners presence keeps you from grieving as openly as you would like, and yet you are hiding your tears to keep from hurting them...crazy.

I feel that this is why so many couples break up after the death of a child......

Please accept my sincere condolences, and believe me, your husband is grieving too, don't let your pain bring discord into your marriage, because he truly shares that pain with you.
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post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 11-02-2012, 10:52 AM
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Re: The Elephant in the room..

Chris
I am amazed at how much alike we are. You are right about the tears being there, and as a brother in this club I would like to shake your hand (real men don't hug do they), and tell you I share your feelings.
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