Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-10-2012, 12:38 PM Thread Starter
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Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

MY wife that i been married to for 9 yrs lost her mom last month very suddly,over night. Well she went out of state to be with her dad for a few weeks and i flew down to be with my wife and 2 kids,and father in-law. I was only there for a week and my wife,kids and I went to a few fun places while I was there with them. When we got home the next day my wife found a bank recp. that I had printed out from her account showing what was spent and how much she had in the account because her Dad gave her a 1000.00 the week her mom past and she never told me till the day before I flew down to be with her. This made me feel like she was hidding things from me thats why I pulled the account. She was really mad that I pulled the account and said I dont trust her, and went to tell me she is not happy anymore and said she loves me but not in love with me, and she feels very distant from me,and that we should take a break from each other. I have RA and I sleep a lot and cant do things I use to be able to do,so she said the sleeping part and me not being with the family is why she is not happy. I think the passing of her mom has a lot to do with it and told her she needs to talk to someone and i would make her a appt. , and she said ok. I asked her if she also wants to see a marrige cons. and she agread. She said she still loves me and want to work things out,but I have to change and help more, and be with the family more. Any opions will help I dont want to lose her or my family. We been togather for 15yrs and married for 9yrs and still love her to death,so please help. Thank

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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-10-2012, 01:18 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Sounds like you are on the right track. Go to counseling and listen to what she says she needs in the relationship to make the marriage work.

Be prepared to hear things that you may not like, may not agree with and may hurt. But if she's being honest, you need to accept that these are her perceptions of issues in the marriage and need to be addressed by you.

If you have issues with her, get them on the table now so that EVERYTHING is addressed. You don't want to get months down the road and tell her something has bothered you for a long time and she tells you that you should have mentioned it in counseling.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-10-2012, 08:47 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Dude, talk about bad timing. You couldn't bring this up later?
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-11-2012, 09:52 AM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Go to the counselor. Listen to what she is saying openmidedly. Do not get defensive. Do not just blindly commit to changing - understand why she is unhappy.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-12-2012, 02:33 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Losing a parent definately can have a profound affect on that person's marriage. You need MC if you're going to get past this. Make sure she understands that SHE changed her needs and wants from your relationship before she expects you to change.
Unfortunately I had 2 distant aunts that ruined their marriages after their fathers died. One had an EA/PA and divorced. The other is going through severe depression, is out of work, keeps a dirty house, and complains all the time. Their MC is not working bc she won't work on changing herself. My uncle will probably file for divorce after the kids leave the house (they're 21+ already, also affected by her depression)
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-14-2012, 05:43 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JPHUNTER View Post
MY wife that i been married to for 9 yrs lost her mom last month very suddly,over night. Well she went out of state to be with her dad for a few weeks and i flew down to be with my wife and 2 kids,and father in-law. I was only there for a week and my wife,kids and I went to a few fun places while I was there with them. When we got home the next day my wife found a bank recp. that I had printed out from her account showing what was spent and how much she had in the account because her Dad gave her a 1000.00 the week her mom past and she never told me till the day before I flew down to be with her. This made me feel like she was hidding things from me thats why I pulled the account. She was really mad that I pulled the account and said I dont trust her, and went to tell me she is not happy anymore and said she loves me but not in love with me, and she feels very distant from me,and that we should take a break from each other. I have RA and I sleep a lot and cant do things I use to be able to do,so she said the sleeping part and me not being with the family is why she is not happy. I think the passing of her mom has a lot to do with it and told her she needs to talk to someone and i would make her a appt. , and she said ok. I asked her if she also wants to see a marrige cons. and she agread. She said she still loves me and want to work things out,but I have to change and help more, and be with the family more. Any opions will help I dont want to lose her or my family. We been togather for 15yrs and married for 9yrs and still love her to death,so please help. Thank
I tend to get very, very suspicious when i hear that "I love you but am not in love with you" line. It's usually cheater-speak. It generally means, "I'm emotionally invested in someone else."

It could be that her mother's death has forced her to see her marriage to you in a new light. But it could also be that she's overreacting to you keeping tabs on her, because she has something to hide. I'm not one to throw accusations around, but how was your relationship before your wife's mother died? What was her explanation for keeping the extra money a secret?

I don't know. I don't want to frighten you or offend you, but I'm seeing red flags in your post. She's blaming you for her emotional distress, but has she ever voiced her concerns in the past? Why is she reacting so strongly to this incident? I mean, she did keep the money a secret. Why is she so mad that you're calling her on it?

I get the feeling that she has something to hide, and she's trying to throw you off by making you focus on yourself and your issues.

My advice - Work on yourself, try and fix the marriage, and keep two sharp eyes on her at all times. If you can, pull up some of her previous bank statements and see if she's been spending oddly.

Are you transparent? Do you have access to her e-mails, phone, Facebook, and the like? Can you check to see if she's been PMing or texting a particular person abnormally?

My cheater-senses are tingling. Sorry. I know this is probably very inappropriate given the situation with her mother, but I'm a cynical pessimist. It's just what popped into my head, reading your post.
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-15-2012, 11:20 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

People are not themselves when they lose someone close, most especially a mother. Can you be more supportive and put less pressure on her? Focus on her needs at this time? It doesn't sound like she wants to leave you. It's great that you both want counseling, though.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 07-16-2012, 05:27 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Was she keeping the money secret or just not thinking about it because her mom just died? I'd readily think the latter.

OP, your post suggests that you haven't done your share of family and household labor, and that she has expressed resentment over that in the past. Now she is ready to leave, so you are ready to change. Did I get that right?

When losing a parent or anyone close, we usually re-evaluate where we are in life b/c the fragility of life is so obvious at that time. She may have found the courage to move on from you if she's been thinking about it, and now realizes that life is too short. If this is the case, you have an uphill battle.

I agree that there might be someone else in the picture, but I also suspect that her re-eval. of her life is a big part of this happening now.
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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 09-18-2012, 07:30 AM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

in this case I think a great advisor is needed. Not an online advisor, but a person whom your wife can meet and talk. Then things will be clear. I think there's nothing wrong with you both, just some misunderstanding and she is out of control. You know, sometimes women become like that, like mad...
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-29-2012, 05:12 AM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Now that her mom passed she may feel her dad needs her to help him cope, and since (in her eyes) you aren't there for her... what does she have to lose?

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-14-2013, 09:19 AM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

I just posted this on another thread.

My STBXWW lost both of her parents...4 months apart. She started an affair within a year of that. I do believe they are connected. I have read that the loss of a parent, child, career, and ever a brush with serious illness can be a trigger for a MLC.

My STBXWW wouldn't open up to me much after I discovered her affair but she did say that she felt like an orphan after they died. She started re-evaluating her life and what she wanted out of it. She also said she didn't know what she wanted anymore...meaning us. I was completely blind sided as this was not the woman I married anymore.

I stayed with her for well over a year trying to work on us, because I loved her and for the kids. I honestly thought we had a pretty good marriage up until that point and she agreed during many conversations that we had before this happened.

Her memory of our marriage changed after she started her affair. Now she would go back and selectively pick out obscure things that she didn't like...and blame me for her sudden unhappiness and discontent. It turned out to be a futile effort on my part as she put in no effort towards us. After several D days, I realized she was still lying about contact with her POSOM so I finally gave up and filed for D.

Our Divorce will be final in a couple weeks. The woman I fell in love with and married is now selfish and broken.

I could not save her. All I could do is let her go.

I don't mean to scare you with my story but is it possible that someone else in in the picture?
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-13-2013, 01:41 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Definitely not a good time for any kind of confrontation - she is at her low now.
And frankly speaking I would be mad if my husband checked my account without asking me first. Unless it's a common practice in your family to check each other accounts...
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 06-13-2013, 11:49 PM
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Re: Wife lost mother,now she wants to leave me.

Zombie thread!

"I've listened to preachers, I've listened to fools, I've watched all the dropouts, who make their own rules..."
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