Want to be with dying mom, husband can't understand

reindeergames · 04-25-2009, 05:42 PM

my mom is 65 and dying of lung cancer metastasized to the brain, diagnosed 5 years ago, a total miracle for her to still be alive. she is experiencing the late effects of the chemo and radiation and hanging on by a thread, and hospice may be in place Monday. she began to have seizures in late February, and with the 3rd one my dad took her to the ER, against her will. she barely made it out of the hospital - her lungs filled up with fluid and she had hospital psychosis. we took her home thinking the end was within days - that was the first week of March. i stayed for 2 weeks with my 4-year-old daughter to help care for her. i left when we thought my mom was making a miraculous rebound and was gaining more strength by the day, and hospice was revoked and physical and occupational therapies began. after 1.5 weeks, and after neurosurgeons said that the tumor in her brain was inoperable and couldn't be extracted if it was merely necrotic debris, her radiation oncologist proposed another round of radiation to the tumor to halt/stunt it's growth. he made some pretty huge promises to our family on what kind of return this would have for my mom's health overall. anyway, i returned once again, with my daughter, as my mom had declined quickly again, thinking i would only be there for a week or two before my mom passed on. 3 weeks passed, she had all 5 treatments, it exhausted the crap out of her and she continued to decline. my husband put so much pressure on me to have a "plan" and a date to come back home (some 10 states away), and told me i hadn't calculated the "opportunity cost" in being away from home. my heart said stay with mom, my head said go home because there's not much else i could do (not to mention through all of this my dad had been SOOOO difficult to live with splitting the 24/7 caregiver duties with me), and it seemed not a good environment for a 4-year-old. anyway, i'm back, my mom's supposedly near the end of days AGAIN, and i want to be there. i don't know what to do. in my heart of hearts, i feel i should be there at my dying mother's side no matter what the cost (marriage, airline tickets, etc). anyone ever been put in this kind of awful situation? am i just a weakling not standing up to my husband and doing what i want? do i belong at home where i'm needed as a wife and mother? i'm so torn and i don't want to have regrets.

KMDillon · 04-26-2009, 01:01 AM

Go with your heart. I'd sell my car, quit my job, whatever it took to be with my mom at the end of her life. Those are precious last moments you can never get back.

Lavender · 04-27-2009, 06:26 PM

I walked in & Found My Mom Dead Right before Christmas In 2005 Unexspected No warning. Tradgic she was Only 56 .. I wish all the time I could have Known she was going to pass so I didnt have all these questions.. and the guilt of so many things Ill never get to go back and say .. As Heartbreaking as it is to face. You have an advantage to be cherishing these last Moments with her & I would take them without question..

oceanbreeze · 05-01-2009, 11:14 PM

If this were my mother, no matter what the costs, including my marriage, job, and "opportunity costs" I would spend the last days with my mom. She bore you for 9 months, gave up her body to produce you. Cared for you (as the impression I receive for your concern for her to be with her).

When you vowed with your husband, "for better or for worse" this is one of those times when it may be "worse for him," but it's better for you to stay with your mom. Your husband is your partner and friend (hopefully) and should not make any demands. A good man does not come in between his woman and her family, rather he supports and guides her.

Stay with your mom. Your daughter stays with her, too, to get to know her and to learn about life, death, and grieving.

oceanbreeze · 05-01-2009, 11:19 PM

I was given an ultimatum once too. I was a freshman in community college and I received news that my favorite and beloved grandma was dying severely. Being pumped out 8 liters of fluid from her stomach daily due to cancer and cirosis of the liver.

I told my teachers/professors that I had to fly to Deutschland (germany) to see her one last time. Most of everyone, but one english teacher argued with me. She said that I need to be in school (I paid my own tuition and busted my ass in her class when she was not fair a teacher), she also said, "ugh people and their personal problems!!!" so then i dropped out and she called my house!

saying if it was about the grade i got on an essay. I thought she knew what she did and said and was afraid to be reported against. I didnt have the guts to report her, but thankfully, I flew to Deutschland with my family and we said goodbye to my grandma. 9 days later after coming back to the states, my grandma died at the hospital with my auntie and cousin by her side.

cressfromhell · 08-12-2009, 09:18 AM

[QUOTE=oceanbreeze;53966]If this were my mother, no matter what the costs, including my marriage, job, and "opportunity costs" I would spend the last days with my mom. She bore you for 9 months, gave up her body to produce you. Cared for you (as the impression I receive for your concern for her to be with her).

I am not to sure about that "at all costs thing". Life with your family will go on. Just remember that people deal with some dead/dying differently. I would find a way but not at the cost of losing my job, my home, and my family. This sort of thing is the reason why I live within 30min of my parents.

Just remember that the most important thing in your life right now is your daughter!!! You have to be strong for her.

I am sorry for your pain!!!

amberlynn · 08-12-2009, 09:35 AM

My husband and I have talked about this kinda situation, my mom lives 70 miles away and his just 6 blocks up the road..and Ive told him that if my mom gets to where she cant take care of herself, or if she needs me, Im goin home, with or without him, as I expect him to do the same for his mom. You only have 1 mom and you should be by her side through her last days. Your husband should support you and be there for you through your pain and hurt and he should understand that you want to be by your moms side. Follow your heart and go be with her, you may regret it after shes gone if you decide to stay home.

GAsoccerman · 08-13-2009, 08:52 AM

Go be with your mother, bith my parents are dead, when they are gone, they are gone.

Your hubby needs to suck it up and HANDLE it.

My wife's father is dead, only her mother survives, if her mother needed her, I would tell her to do FMLA for work then go to her mother and I would handle the kids nad ask my neighbors for help.

Then fly up when her mother does pass.

Tell your husband to handle it, you need to be with your mother.

cressfromhell · 08-13-2009, 09:41 AM

This is the reason why I never moved far from my mother or my family. I see her a few times a week and talk to her often. Whenever it's that time for either of us, there will be no regrets, no I wish I would have done this or that. We did it!! For those you are fortunate enough to have your loved one alive and well, call them and tell them that you love them. Go on a vacation with them. Love and spend time with your loved one's while they are alive to smell the roses!!

I agree you should be with your mother.

God Bless

dmcneilan · 08-17-2009, 06:42 PM

only my opinion, my mother would be my pick. she gave you life, raised and loved you unconditionaly. sad that your husband is being unreasonable. you mention that you have taken your child with you. so i dont see what his burden is from 10 states away. he can continue to work and the home should be able to continue to operate. i know and realize he wants you and your child home with him always but he can not take this time away from you. i have my mother living with me at this time my husband was great about it at first telling her that she was welcome to stay as long as she wanted etc. but when he became unhappy with me he became intolerant of her being with us as well. it has become ugly now and i regret that but for my mother i would give life itself before i will/would allow anyone to come between us. i love my husband deeply and would have loved to have him love me again but it is not in the cards. i sincerely hope that you can survive trying to keep your husband happy and succeed in being with your one and only mother. your father sounds like he is dealing with all he has in him too, i would like for you to believe that when he was irritable with you he did not mean to say or hurt you or talk inappropriately in front of your child. on that side of it please try to over look your fathers short comings as he is losing the love of his life that he has shared so many near and dear years with. take care of yourself and please take care to be with your mother as much as the ugly circumstances are allowing.

shelleyv · 08-18-2009, 07:03 AM

If you are not there when she passes away, you will regret it forever. My mom passed away and we thought she was sleeping. i regret being selfish and not "looking in" on her properly and even though many years have past, I still regret not being there that day. If you are not there, she will understand, coz thats what moms do, but you might never be able to get over the guilt. Go with your gut girl. If your husband put himself in your shoes, I am sure he would do the same. good luck and God bless.

mistake maker · 08-21-2009, 11:31 AM

Be with you mom. When my mother passed last year, my wife and oldest daughter had been helping take care of her for 2 weeks before she went into the hospital. After the doctors denied her a transplate, (She only lasted 4 days after being released from the hospital) I spent as much time as I could around her. I was not there when see passed, the wife and I had went to pick up our oldest daughter from here boyfriends house becuase we knew it was about time. It has been a little over a year and I am still dealing with the fact that I was not there, we mised her passing by about 10 minute.

Be with your mom as much as you can!