Death of my daughter - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 18 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 09:57 PM Thread Starter
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Death of my daughter

Just recently my daughter died, at 18 weeks pregnant my waters broke but she held on until 23 weeks. She was born and lived only 12 hours, we had to choose to remove her ventilator and I'm devestated. This was about 6 weeks ago and I thought I was coping pretty well, I've cried etc... but was getting on with life. I have a son and a husband so I kept going, at some point last week I cracked and now I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm making stupid rash decisions and now I'm damaging my marriage. I let hubby purchase a puppy which he really wanted and have realised 2 days in that I'm the one stuck training it all day when all I want to do is go out and spend time with my son, stupid decision I know. Anyway, me and hubby are now mid fight about the dog, he won't talk to me about our daughter and everything is like a whole circus. He's so angry with me that I'm worried he'll leave me if I don't agree to keep the dog, but right now in my emotional state that dog just cannot stay. I don't know what to do, sorry for the ramble.

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post #2 of 18 (permalink) Old 07-31-2012, 10:08 PM
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Re: Death of my daughter

Tell hubby that the puppy was his idea, he's the one who wanted it, you don't, and you don't have the time, or the emotional and physical energy to train and care for it so either he does 100% or it goes.

Sometimes there's nothing to fight about because the solution is so easy that you just don't think of it, especially when you're not feeling yourself due to external factors above and beyond your control.

Sorry for your loss.
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post #3 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 06:24 AM
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Re: Death of my daughter

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just remember, your husband is also grieving. The puppy may be his way of dealing with the loss.

I'm not sure what your schedules are like, but it sounds as though crate training is going to be your best bet as far as housebreaking the puppy goes. It would also allow you to have quality time with your son.
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post #4 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 06:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Death of my daughter

Thanks to both of you, I'm feeling a little more myself today. Hubbys taken some more compassionate leave from work so that we can try and work through how we feel. The dog is staying but I think now he knows how I feel he will be more proactive, we have gone for a crate and pup seems fine in it and is actually well behaved. The problem is when I have my toddler and the dog together as they bounce of the walls, I think this is what I was struggling with.

Thanks again x
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post #5 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 07:06 AM
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I'm so extremely sorry for your loss.

I don't have any advice, but I can only give my condolences. I'm so sorry. (((( HUGS))))
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post #6 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 08:58 AM
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Re: Death of my daughter

I agree with 827Aug.Your husband is grieving too and might have gotten the puppy as a way to cope and bring some joy into the home.
it's too late to tell him he should have maybe adopted an older dog instead so it was less stressful.and it's too late to return the puppy...it's a commitment he made and you can't back out of it now.

I know it's a lot of work for you to deal with during such a difficult time but it's rewarding work in the end.put your energy into training your new pup and maybe try to motivate your son to get into working with the puppy too. (didn't mention how old he is so im not sure how much help he'll be..). It sounds like you're both grieving in your own way but you cant let this tragedy break you apart.You're not fighting over the puppy,you're fighting about how differently you both grieve this loss...

I know it's hard to put your mind on other things right now and i know it's hard to focus on the puppy but remember that he/she is a brand new life that needs your love and guidance.

Have the two of you gone to grief counseling?It seems you might benefit from learning how to talk about it.
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post #7 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 04:47 PM
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Re: Death of my daughter

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he won't talk to me about our daughter
That's his way of coping with the loss. Many men prefer to suffer pain without external support. I'm like that too. Always was when i suffered loss. Don't think he is not feeling it. He is. And the puppy is also part of it.
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post #8 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 04:53 PM
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Re: Death of my daughter

Aww, I am so sorry for your loss... I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling!

I agree with the others. The puppy may be a cute distraction to protect against feeling those deep pangs of hurt for your daughter.

My condolences to you and your family. Gosh, what an awful thing to go through. ((((HUGS))))
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post #9 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 09:23 PM
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Re: Death of my daughter

I'm sorry for your loss... I don't know if you answered the question about grief counseling, but if you and H haven't been for any, this could be a good idea. I have heard that mothers and fathers grieve in different ways for a child, and counseling could possibly help you work through this difficult time together...

Puppies can be hard work, and I can understand that you probably feel too tired right now to deal with it. The crate training sounds like a good idea, because at least that keeps 'things' all in one place!

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.
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post #10 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-01-2012, 10:48 PM
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Re: Death of my daughter

After I lost my fourth baby to premature birth in Feb, we had a dog stray to our house in April. She was lactating, I was too since I was actively pumping and donating my breast milk to an adopted preemie as a tribute to our son. My husband and I bonded with this Momma Beagle and eventually over a three week period, she brought us five puppies. Allowing me to find homes for the puppies was difficult enough on my husband and me but when I sent the stray Momma Beagle to a new home, we both cried. We already had three dogs and I didn't think that we needed a fourth. When he went back to work, I knew who would do the lion's share of the training and care for her if she stayed. Three days later the people who adopted her said she wasn't working out due to severe separation anxiety so we both rushed out to pick her up. Now I've been working in 100+ degree heat to dig fence posts and put up a fence that will keep her and the others in. She has been a member of our family ever since. I think we both projected on her a bit after we lost our son but she is a welcome member of our family and gives the best cuddles (when she isn't chewing up the remote control or pooping in the house.)

Everyone grieves differently and at different rates. It doesn't hit all at once and gradually, consistently get better for us. It comes in waves and they'll hit you when you least expect it. I'll think I'm all cried out and doing fine and then I'll have an unexpected tug on my heartstrings that brings tears to my eyes. Learn about yourself and how to spot the indicators so that you can take a time out when you need it and encourage your husband to do the same. Every time you wish you had your baby in your arms, cuddle that puppy and whisper in her ear. Who knows, maybe your husband needs her for that too?


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post #11 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-09-2012, 08:38 PM
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Re: Death of my daughter

I also had a miscarriage some years ago but I still remember how it felt. For some weeks you still feel pregnant because of all the hormones rushing around but eventually you will put it into the back of your mind. I still remember our loss years later in comes into my mind and we only talked of this this last week my husband and I.
If you have the money could you get the puppy trained. As it was your husbands idea to buy the puppy he should take responsibility and take him out before work and after work it's his job he wanted the dog.
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post #12 of 18 (permalink) Old 08-16-2012, 02:18 PM
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Re: Death of my daughter

I'm sorry for your loss. Both of you are grieving just differently as it has been pointed out on this thread. If you can, find a counselor to assist you in communicating during this difficult part. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss -- my prayers are with you and your family.
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post #13 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-18-2012, 07:34 AM
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Re: Death of my daughter

I don't know why some people create problems and suffer from it. Probably u need to get some advices from a person who can do it well. don't worry about your dead daughter, she even didn't know who u are. U have a son, be with him and be a good mom for him. about the dog, you have to talk with your husband, maybe he's not listening. But still you can find a good time to talk.
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post #14 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-18-2012, 08:12 AM
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Re: Death of my daughter

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Originally Posted by shenox View Post
I don't know why some people create problems and suffer from it. Probably u need to get some advices from a person who can do it well. don't worry about your dead daughter, she even didn't know who u are. U have a son, be with him and be a good mom for him. about the dog, you have to talk with your husband, maybe he's not listening. But still you can find a good time to talk.
This has to be the most insensitive comment I've read in this section.

Who are you to say she's creating problems?

"Don't worry about your dead daughter,she even didn't know who u are"

Either there's a serious language barrier or you don't know what loss feels like and probably shouldn't comment here.
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post #15 of 18 (permalink) Old 09-18-2012, 09:44 AM
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Re: Death of my daughter

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Originally Posted by shenox View Post
I don't know why some people create problems and suffer from it. Probably u need to get some advices from a person who can do it well. don't worry about your dead daughter, she even didn't know who u are. U have a son, be with him and be a good mom for him. about the dog, you have to talk with your husband, maybe he's not listening. But still you can find a good time to talk.
Are you KIDDING me??? I agree with SB, this has got to be one of the most insensitive things I have read. It doesn't matter what the baby knew or didn't know. What matters is that the mother knows. The mother (and father) had a child who died. The length of time this child lived makes no difference in the heart of her grieving mother. I still, at times, grieve for the life of the child I lost at 12 weeks (stopped developing at 7-8 weeks). This little girl was loved just as her big brother is. Would you suggest she just "get over it" if, God forbid, something happened to her son? There is no set time to grieve the loss of a loved one. This includes all children, no matter how brief their lives on this earth.

Hopeful23, I am so sorry for your loss. And I am sorry for those who are insensitive to that. I agree with those who suggest that the puppy may be a part of your husband's grieving process. While the puppy does not, in any way, replace your daughter, perhaps he felt it was something that could fill a small part of the hole left in your hearts when she passed. I think grief counseling would be a good idea, if you have not gone yet.

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