This life is so hard - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 09-21-2012, 10:40 AM Thread Starter
Onmyway's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: A**** South Carolina
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This life is so hard

*Sigh* I just wish my life wouldn't be so messed up, it's never ending, why won't this stop. I don't know how much more I can take. Every time that I start feeling better something else comes along to throw a wrench in the machine that is my life.

It all started when I was less than two years old, my dad was having an affair from the time my oldest sister was born, until after my youngest sister was born, for around 4 years. My mom caught him and divorced him, me and my two sisters were given to my grandma (his mom) to raise, my dad wound up marrying his AP and they are still together today. Neither of my parents wanted anything to do with us while we were growing up, and they hated each other, I never seen them talk or have anything to do with each other. I remember being 8 years old and crying because I seen my friends doing things with their dads, I felt so odd growing up with my grandparents raising me.

I watched my great grandmother die when I was around 9. she lived with my grandparents for a few years but then they had to put her in a home because they couldn't take care of her anymore, she died in there.

Not too long after that my uncle (by marriage to my oldest aunt) died, he was my closest cousins dad, leaving him and his mom alone, their daughter was already grown up and moved out, it was just my cousin (Arlin) and his mom left all alone in their house. I was really close to Arlin my entire life, we grew up together as best friends.

Then, 5 months after I turned 13, my grandparents took us on vacation to visit family down by Atlanta. before we left, I was at home alone with Arlin while everyone else was out shopping, we were running around wasting film in my camera taking pictures of each other, having a blast, he wanted to go with us on vacation but he didn't want to leave his mom by herself, so he stayed home. The day after we left, he went for a ride on his bike, he never went far away from his house, not even when I was with him, he was a year younger than me. He never made it back home, and he has been missing ever since, this was in 1991. The only thing that was ever found of him was his bike, it was in a ditch by a field, found by a farmer. This was more than 5 miles away from his house, much farther than he ever went. I still miss my cousin Arlin, to this day. I just want to know what happened to him, where he is.

The Charley Project: Charles Arlin Leon Henderson

Not long after that happened, my mom got remarried and came and took us kids out of school and forced us to move out of state with her, she wouldn't even let us see my grandparents before we left. She still ahd custody of us, so no one could do anything about it. She stopped a few hours later and let us call my grandma collect from a payphone, so that everyone would know what happened to us. She then sued my dad for back child support, even though we never lived with her. Then one night, my uncle (her brother) and my dad drove the 7 hour drive and took us back home, they picked us up at around midnight.

The courts actually sided with my dad in this case, as she took us out of state, which was agaisnt the terms of their divorce, so she moved back until custody could be determined, so until then we all had to live with her sister and brother in law, I occasionally lived with my uncle (her brother). We spent the next year being used as evidence in their argument over child support and custody, we were props for money. We were all old enough to who got custody of us, so eventually the court asked us what we wanted, me and my oldest sister chose my dad, and then continued to live with our grandparents (my dad didn't try to talk us into staying with him, I think he was happy with this because him and his AP wife had a daughter by then) and my youngest sister chose my mom.

Things were pretty quiet through my teenage years, but I was heavily involved in drinking and drugs, I started smoking when Arlin disappeared. My parents still didn't want anything to do with me, I moved in with my dad for a few months, but we were all miserable, so I moved back in with my grandparents, I think he was happy with this. I dropped out of school when I turned 16.

I met my wife the day after I turned 21, in 1999. we started seeing each other and became serious later that year, around this time my grandfather on my moms side passed away. In 2001 I started college, I didn't want to end up as trash, I wanted to do something with my life.

Soon after this, another cousin, was having an affair with a woman that he worked with. She left her husband before the affair, but the H still didn't like the idea, so he shot my cousin as he sat in his car before going in to work.

Later that year my cousin (Arlins sister) left her husband and moved out with their three kids, they were all younger than 8. One night she went to a friends house and they all played cards, it was her, the married couple and another friend) her three kids and the two children of the couple that she was visiting were all downstairs in the basement playing. Her husband showed up and called her from the driveway and asked her to come outside, she went out and seen that he had a gun, she turned to run and he shot her in the back as she went up the steps, then he went inside and killed the couple and other friends, all four adults were dead. The oldest kid that lived there came upstairs when she heard the noise (I'm not sure how old she was, I know she was younger than 10 though) and seen my cousins husband standing there with the gun, he looked at her and turned around and left. This little girl seen all four adults, her parents dead, and had to call 911. My cousins kids came upstairs after this and seen their mom dead. The next day my cousins husband called the police from his car, and while he was talking to them he shot himself.

Then in 2002, we found out that we were having a baby, it turned out to be twin girls . Everything was fun and we were happy. They were born prematurely, one was born dead and had to be resucitated, and they were both put into NICU for two months. One was born with an APGAR score of 0 (dead) and 10 minutes later it went up to a 3, the other was born with a score of 2, and it went up to a 4. They were on ventilators because they couldn't breath on their own. I was still in college during this time, and I still made straight A's and was accepted into the honor's society three months after they were born.

My dad spent time with them and us at first, but then my half sister (his and his AP wife's daughter) had a son, and be pretty much forgot that he had other kids and grandkids. He spent all of his time visiting her and his grandson. I lvied 10 mintues away from my half sister, he wouldn't drive to see us, but he was at her house every weekend.

Not long after this my Grandmother on my moms side passed away. Then another cousin passed away from lung cancer, she was the sister of the cousin that was murdered, then her husband died, then her mom died, then last year (2011) her dad, my great uncle, was murdered in his apartment. Then my real grandpa on my dads side died from an anuerysm.

Then this year I caught my wife having an affair and I have been dealing with this (a whole other thread there).

Last Monday another cousin was in a car accident and passed away, he was the son of the cousin that was murdered, I grew up with him too, he was a lot younger than me, but he was close to us all.

Last Tuesday I find out that my step grandfather that has Parkinson's, just had a heart attack, they wanted to do bypass surgery but decided not to, they said he's not strong enough to make it through it, he also has water in his lungs. So he's in the hospital. He raised me, I lived with them when my parents didn't want me.

And now yesterday another cousin was found dead in her apartment, she was just around 50 years old. No one know how she died, no bruises, no blood etc. She had a son that passed away about 6 years ago, and she never got over that, then last year she caught her husband having an affair and divorced him, soo.

How do I grieve for this, I am just sick of it all. I want to find the old gyspy woman, that seen one of my family members run down her husband, causing her to curse my family, and force her to get rid of this. Or I just want to run away from everyone and move to a different country and be someone else.

I'm sure I missed a ton of other things in this, but you get the point, I can't really think right now.

I don't know what to do, I'm still not over my wife's affair, I doubt that I ever will be, and I am stressed to the limit and I don't know how to handle this anymore.

I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-27-2012, 04:31 AM
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Re: This life is so hard

There is someone who knows exactly what you are going through and His name is Jesus Christ. His thoughts that He thinks towards you is not of evil or hate, but His desire is to give you a future and a hope. But, He doesn't force Himself upon anyone, nor does He force anyone to love Him or accept Him. Jesus is called the Great Comforter, because He is always there to comfort us no matter what we go through. He really truly desires to be close to us and to take our sorrows, wants, hurts, pains, fears, anxieties, frustrations, etc. etc. etc. We just have to want to give these things to Him. If you seek the Lord, you will find Him.

You are in my prayers.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-27-2012, 07:19 AM
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Location: uk nr london
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Re: This life is so hard

yeah right jesus christ, what ever.

Now life is hard, i know also as i have had many awful events that i could list that has happen to me as a child let alone an adult, you can't concentrate on all negatives in your life, look to the positives, you know there are some and that gives hope, well it has always done for me, don't take the weight of it all on your shoulders, learn to give it up, because sometimes you just have to look forward and not dwell on the past, look for the good in your life because it is there.

We have such a chance of being part of what i consider many realise is a gorgeous planet, we are so lucky to just be here, i do believe this.

get up early go some where with a good view and go watch the sunrise
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 12-27-2012, 08:50 AM
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Canada
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Re: This life is so hard

It's tough enduring hardship. You just want to hide sometimes. You want to stop having relationships with people because it hurts too much when you lose them.

My son said something to my daughter the other day which actually helped me. He told her "Stop playing the victim".

I decided this was good advice for me. Yes, if I want I can get a lot of empathy for a lot of difficulties I face, but this only reinforces the misery, in a way.

As bad as it is, it could always be worse. I kept telling myself that yesterday as I performed a rather unpleasant task that made me angry. First I had to build up my motivation to "attack" it. Then while doing it I almost wanted to quit and run away in a fit of tears. Then instead of thinking "woe is me" as I worked, I turned my thoughts outward and realized that there are many people who would trade their problems for mine, and would rather be facing what I doing now, than the challenges they had for that day. I continued to plod along bit by bit until I was done, my back ached and my feet were tired. But the results were rewarding. More importantly, the fact that I stuck with it, even though it was making me anxious and I wanted to quit.

What was I doing? I was cleaning my pantry. Whoa boy! Big deal you think? That's nothing. Well for me it was. It was disgusting, filled with old expired and unusable food (wasted dollars), hoarded items we have far too much of (some of which I may have bought on sale, some from my spouse), dirty spilled oil creating a greasy mess. It represented many problems I am facing in my life today but on a minor scale. And I have many more 'pantries' (to do items) on my list to cover (which increase my depression).

Why am I telling you this? Because I too, am dealing with loss, letting go of anger, practicing forgiveness, trying to take my pain and use it for something positive. Just saying it like this does not mean it is easy. I have good days and bad days, relapses and progressions, more $hit on top of existing $hit but still search for the strength to carry on. I would welcome death, but I would not seek it. I am working on rebuilding my faith which I lost when my burdens became to difficult to bear. I identify completely with Mary Stevenson's "Footprints in the Sand". I need to learn to surrender completely to the Lord's wishes and give up the items under which I have no control as so eloquently stated in "The Serenity Prayer"

We all have our limits on what we can endure, which may be higher or lower than others. Some say, the Lord only gives you what you can handle. I've been telling him for a long time that it's enough now, already! LOL I often wonder if he is trying to tell/teach me something with these struggles or if they are totally unrelated to anything he does control or otherwise.

But what I really want to say is I feel your pain, and understanding all you have suffered, I can understand your topic line completely. I hope that you find peace and serenity and God's greater purpose for your time here on earth. Please live responsibly in the here and now, revel in the small positives that come your way on a daily basis and know that there are others who care and wish you well.
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