I Need some Advice - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 03:45 PM Thread Starter
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I Need some Advice

Sorry, I know this will be a wall of text, but I have quite a bit to say.

I dated my girlfriend for 4 years. We were both in high school, and our relationship was wonderful. She was 2 years younger than me, so I graduated high school before her and attended a local Community College to save money and stay nearby. When she graduated, she decided to go to a college where I could not follow her. Thus, we ended up going to two different universities. This wasn't a huge deal for either of us because we were only an hour apart, so we tried to visit once every week or two. After she was there for a semester, she decided the course work was too difficult (it was a very prestigious school) so she transferred to my college. Our relationship stayed strong the entire time. Neither of us ever did anything to hurt the other, and we were both confident we would be getting married within a few years.

This year, I noticed she started to get a little more distant from me. At this point, I was 22 and she was 20. It was very hard for me to deal with it as I still loved her very much, and she said she still loved me. We still spent time together, but she was starting to see me less and less every week. A lot of the time we were together, she would take a nap or distract herself. It was heartbreaking. Three weeks ago, she came over and told me she wanted to end our relationship. I had suspected it for a while, and it was harsh to finally hear it from her. She cried briefly, then left. I wallowed for a few days. I cannot even begin to express how this girl has been the love of my life. I learned to love everything about her - even when she would nag me about getting school work done or using my time more wisely. I always tried hard to make her happy.

I went home that weekend hoping to clear my mind. Even doing that was a monumental task. When we were together, we hung out nearly every single day, so it was hard to leave her and be on my own. I did a lot of thinking, and decided that maybe I wasn't being assertive enough in the relationship. I caught her on facebook at the end of the week, and told her we needed to meet and talk. I came to her apartment, and we went on a walk the night I got back up to school. She told me about some of the things she didn't like about me, and I told her that I could fix these things. I told her I loved her and I didn't want to lose her. She decided to get back together with me.

Up until this point, we had NEVER had a breakup. I know a lot of couples bounce around between dating and not, but our relationship was always extremely serious. For a while she seemed happy again, and even told me she was going to forget all about the breakup. Then, on Sep. 19th (5 days before posting this) she ended it again after I asked her if everything was alright

She left no hope for me this time. If I texted her or tried to call her, she would seriously get PISSED. I knew I had to take a step back and let her have some space. I told her, ONCE AGAIN, that I was going back home for the weekend to allow her some space and time. I have to admit, I was fairly certain that she would take me back, but that we would have to make some serious changes in our relationship to ensure we were both happy. I was still beside myself with grief, and couldn't control my crying, especially around my family. When I came back up, I told her we should meet and have a talk. She agreed. We met on campus, and I told her that I have valued the past 4 years greatly, and she has been a very big part of my life. It was heart wrenching to be sitting with her, and know I couldn't take her arm or hold her close to me. She did a lot of sitting and listening as I explained to her how much she has meant to me, and what I think about her. When I was done, I asked her how she felt, and she said she was happier now that we were done. It has been 5 days since our break up, and she is being very clear that she never wants to be with me again. I asked if things could change after a month or two, and she said there was no chance. She wasn't interested in taking a break, she just wanted to end it.

So I'll be honest guys. This sucks. I've spent so much time with this girl that I hardly remember how to get back into the single life. I don't appreciate hanging out with friends, because I can't help but think how badly I want to be with her instead. I try to go out and walk every day (I've probably walked 10-15 miles since our breakup) or just find other things to do, but I am very depressed. I was 100% sure this girl would be the one I would marry. I miss her every day and it is a real challenge to leave the phone alone, or to not stalk her facebook account.

I want to know what you guys think about the situation. I need advice on how to move on in my life. I need advice about what course of action I could take to stay on good terms with my ex. (I never thought I'd use that word to describe this girl...) And, if any of you have been through this, I'd appreciate hearing what you have to say. I feel very alone right now. Before this week, I don't think I've ever cried in front of anyone. This week, I've cried multiple times every day. It's hard, because after 4 years, I see her EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING. We have done so much together, I cannot help but see her in everything.

Also, I know I don't need to start dating yet, but when I see other girls, I cannot imagine loving them, because I have learned to love everything about my ex. Things were so comfortable, and now it is done. Have you guys had to deal with that? Will it go away? I appreciate any response you guys have. I'm feeling really broken right now. Thanks.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 04:11 PM
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Re: I Need some Advice

You're the same age as my kids, and my heart goes out to you I know it seems like the world is all turned upside down right now. That will change. I also know you think you still need her in your life, but that will change too. I really think the best thing you can do is to stop all contact with her. Right now. Totally and completely. Otherwise you're just rubbing salt in your wound.

Once you've made up your mind to do that, pick one thing that you would like to do more of, and do it. Whatever it is. Outdoors, indoors, with friends or by yourself. Whatever, but it has to be for YOU and ONLY YOU. And it has to be something that will not put you in contact with her.

Once you are in the habit of doing this thing, pick another. Forget about dating right now. You are too wounded and may be for a while. You are so young! You have LOTS of time. Be happy by yourself. I really believe that until people are truly happy by and with themselves, they cannot be happy with someone else.

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I Need some Advice

Thanks Hope1964. And yeah, I've been doing my best to cut off contact, but I'm not very good at it. I have become mentally accustomed to texting/calling/hanging out with her daily, so putting an end to that is extremely difficult. Thanks for your advice, and I think you are right about needing to find something I can do more of. I do a lot of snowboarding, but the season doesn't start for a couple more months, which is very frustrating. I appreciate your response very much
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 04:32 PM
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Re: I Need some Advice

I am glad I watched my oldest son spend a year very very sad when his high school sweetheart broke up with him, although they'd only spent just over a year together. He cried on my shoulder many times. Have you got people in real life you can get hugs from?

I am glad you like to snowboard and I hear your frustration about it not being the season yet. Is there something new you could try in the meantime? Something you always wanted to but never have?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 04:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I Need some Advice

I have three brothers (24, 19 and 14) and they, along with my parents, have been very supportive. Unfortunately, they live an hour away, so I'm not able to be with them often. My mom and youngest brother are actually coming up to visit me right now, so that is good. My friends up here are snowboarders, and that means "cheering me up" consists of lots of alcohol. I discovered that last night when I turned to them for help and ended the night on eleven beers, which due to my lack of food for the past few weeks, led to alcohol poisoning last night. You learn a lot about who your real friends are at times like this. Thats certainly a good thing.

I've always been fascinated with business. I think I will have to get involved with a business club at school.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 09-24-2012, 04:52 PM
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Re: I Need some Advice

Yeah, alcohol isn't really your friend right now. Your family sounds awesome. Four boys! Wow Joining a business club sounds cool.

Now go eat something. Do you like to cook?

People don't get a free pass to cheat just because their marriage sucks.

Our R
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