Helping him move on - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-09-2012, 03:43 PM Thread Starter
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Helping him move on

Hi,
I met someone online that I really like. I'm falling, and he's wonderful. Here's the catch:

He was engaged recently to a beautiful woman. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly last spring. He is still grieving her, and I expect he will for a long time.

I don't want to replace her,or what they had. I think it's completely natural and normal for him to still be thinking of her and in love with her. As far as I'm concerned, he can love her the rest of his life, and that's fine by me.

I know he misses having love in his life, but he feels guilty if he dates, especially if he gets to kissin and such. I have nothing but time, and patience. My question is what can I do to help him be ok? What will help him the most? I just want to be there for him, in whatever capacity he's ready for and wants. I don't want him to have guilt and withdraw from me after, so I'm going to leave the pacing to him.

If anyone has any ideas, they are appreciated. Wishing all of you who are missing loved ones and grieving, peace and love.

Uhaul

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post #2 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-27-2012, 07:51 AM
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Re: Helping him move on

My advice:

Do NOT jump into a emotional or physical relationship too soon! Give him space and time to work everything out!

I do speak from experience as my wife passed away which left me with 2 young boys to raise on my own (no family locally). I jumped into a relationship too soon which caused significant emotional issues which we now have marital problems that may end in divorce.

Take time and be his friend (as much as a person of the opposite sex can be) more than someone focused on a relationship. It could take years before the fog clears and he realizes who he is, what he wants in life and a relationship. It all depends on how he handles her death and how emotionally strong he is.
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post #3 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-29-2012, 04:53 AM
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Re: Helping him move on

Be there for him, talk to him about it daily or as often as he is comfortable with. He needs time to let her go.

Ask him if he would want his wife to feel guilty had he been the one that passed, I bet he would say no.

Tell him you don't expect anything from him other than friendship, let nature take its course when its ready. There should be nothing to feel guilty about, his wife would want him to be happy.

Good luck.
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post #4 of 4 (permalink) Old 10-29-2012, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Helping him move on

Gunthar and Bene,

Thanks for the good advice. That is basically what I have been doing. We have had some very open talks, and I see that he is going to need a lot of time to be in the right place for that again. I did remind him, just like you said, Ben, that if the situation were reversed, he would have wanted her to be happy and love again without guilt, which he agreed with no hesitation. I am here for him as a friend, and we talk here and there, I send him a text that I'm sending him a hug, and he sends the same back. But we have both backed completely off of the whole pursuing a romantic relationship thing, and that's fine. He's a wonderful person, and when he's up for it, waaaaay down the road, if I'm still free, I'd be happy to revisit this with him. But right now, friends is just perfect for both of us.

Thank you for your thoughtful input. It is clear to me that you are both right, and I appreciate you re affirming that I am handling it best for him and me.

Have a great day!
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