wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men

My wife and I have been married 7 years. While I was away on a business trip, her dad passed away. I flew back, but she said she wanted to be alone to grieve. I stayed for a week and went back. I know that I should have stayed longer. I wanted to stay longer, but she insisted that I go.

While I was gone, she started seeing not 1, but 2 older men. She says that she doesn't love me any more and that I haven't been enough of a provider. These older men can take care of her and give her the things that she wants.

She was never like this before. I know that we were really in love once. She is seeing a psychiatrist, but refuses to see a marriage counselor. She's convinced that it's over between us. She even wants to pay off my students loans with the inheritance money, which I refuse.

I still love her. I know that the past few years, I've been down on myself - not able to find a good paying job. And I haven't made her feel special like I used to. She wants me out of the house, but I can't just leave her. Not like I did after her dad died. It's been about 6 months since he died and I know that all of this stems from that. She says she's not the same person anymore, that the person she was is gone and the new person can't love me.

So what do I do? I am basically sticking around, waiting for her to snap out of it, trying hard not to make her snap out of it, because I know that won't work. I feel like she's expecting me to do something, but all I can do is break down and tell her that I still love her, that I should have tried harder. I told her that I've forgiven her for the affairs, although she intends to continue them. I told her that no one will make her happy like I did and will again someday. I told her that there's no shame in telling me that she loves me again.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 10:52 AM
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Re: wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men

Your too hard on yourself. She cheats, you forgive her and you think she expects you to do something? Stay in the house and make her life miserable and get yourself a young new girlfriend.
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 08:56 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men

Richie, you give the worst advice. Sorry, but I've taken a look at your other responses and they're all horrible. This is the woman I love, why would I want to make her life miserable. She's going through a lot and I have to stay by her. Maybe you don't believe in love.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-10-2012, 09:01 PM Thread Starter
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Re: wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men

To anyone who's interested, I've all but given up. I battled the idea of leaving, but now I know that she does still care about me. Maybe not in the same way, but enough to not want to hurt me. She plans on leaving the area once her father's estate is settled. Until then, I convinced her to let me stay in our house. I won't try to convince her that she still loves me, or tell her what to do, but that I would be here. We spent the day together and tomorrow we are going to the movies. Yes I want to hold her and grab her in the loving ways that I used to, but I'd rather have her as a best friend than lose her completely and I pray that she comes to her senses, but if not, I'll know that at least I didn't give up and abandon her like I could have. We have about 2 months to tell how this thing is going to look long term, and I'm prepared to let her go. Who knows. Years down the line she may come back. I'll keep everyone updated.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 06:40 AM
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Re: wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men

You came on here for advice. I told you your too hard on yourself. Sorry if I felt bad for you. Here is some good advice go out and buy No More Mr. Nice Guy. You seem like a good person. Good luck in your journey.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 07:09 AM
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I'm so sorry your here. What an awful thing to happen. This is not your fault at all. You can't look back on "what if's". You are not to blame for these affairs whatsoever. Your wife is throwing this on you only as a lame excuse.

Your going to have to do a 180. This will help you work on yourself. I really hate to say this, but you can't hold onto your wife. Let her go. I highly doubt she's going to ever work on your marriage. Your wife emotionally already checked out and I'm really sorry.

You might want to look into getting IC for yourself to get through this. There is nothing you can do or say that will get her back. The more begging and pleading that goes on, the further you push her away.

Again, I'm very sorry.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 04:38 PM
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Re: wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men

I don't think having affairs because a woman's father dies is really very connected, JMO.

Tell her that you want her to be happy and if that means leaving then you will have to accept this. (This really makes them think because all of a sudden you are not the desperate cling-on)
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 01-11-2013, 03:23 PM
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Re: wife's dad died, now she's having an affair with older men

Quote:
Originally Posted by indiecat View Post
I don't think having affairs because a woman's father dies is really very connected, JMO.

Tell her that you want her to be happy and if that means leaving then you will have to accept this. (This really makes them think because all of a sudden you are not the desperate cling-on)
I disagree.
My STBXWW lost both of her parents, 4 months apart. She started an affair within a year of that. I do believe they are connected. I have read that the loss of a parent, child, career, and ever a brush with serious illness can be a trigger for a MLC.

My STBXWW wouldn't open up to me much after I discovered her affair but she did say that she felt like an orphan after they died. She started re-evaluating her life and what she wanted out of it. She also said she didn't know what she wanted anymore...meaning us. I was completely blind sided as this was not the woman I married anymore.

I stayed with her for well over a year trying to work on us, because I loved her and for the kids. I honestly thought we had a pretty good marriage up until that point and she agreed during many conversations that we had before this happened.

Her memory of our marriage changed after she started her affair. Now she would go back and selectively pick out obscure things that she didn't like...and blame me for her sudden unhappiness and discontent. It turned out to be a futile effort on my part as she put in no effort towards us. After several D days, I realized she was still lying about contact with her POSOM so I finally gave up and filed for D.

Our Divorce will be final in a couple weeks. The woman I fell in love with and married is now selfish and broken.

I could not save her. All I could do is let her go.

Last edited by Decimated; 01-11-2013 at 03:29 PM.
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