Can not understand wife - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 09:46 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Can not understand wife

My wife has gone through a tragic 3 years. A sister was diagnosed with glioblastoma almost 3 years ago. When she went into hospice, her second sister was diagnosed with metastatic cancer of the appendix......

The second sister had been estranged from the family for several years due to unacceptable behavior towards her siblings.....

This involved identity theft, steaing credit cards, etc......

She got back in touch when the first sister became ill, and helped with her care. During this time she re connected with my wife, and engaged in hours long phone calls several times a week.

When the second sister died, about 4 months ago, my wife was grief stricken, as one would expect, but she seems to be unable to pull out of it.

She flies into fits of rage at the drop of a hat, blames me for being mean, and angry, and dosn't see her own irrational actions.

Even our step son is concerned that she has not snapped out of it, and that she is taking it harder than when our son committed suicide 14 years ago.

My wife and son were extremely close, and he was home with her 24/7 up till his death, and while she took it hard, she pulled out of it with no real problems.

This time, with her sister, she just can't snap out of it, and our marriage is taking a beating.

A couple of months ago, I became ill, and required some surgery. At that time she snapped out of it a little, but she is right back into her funk.

She says she is thinking about seeing a councillor, but I don't expect her to make the effort.......

She has always had a guift for counciling others, and when our son committed suicide she was actually councilleng paintents in the waiting room of her councellors office...One man she knew, said I don't need a counsellor now, I have you.....The councillor told her that she didn't need him, as her attitude and faith would pull her through....

It seems that attitude and faith are gone, and our marriage may be the first casuality.......

She is constantly bringing up things to start arguments ....Sometimes from things I said 40 years ago.

I man dosn't stand a chance if he can't be forgiven for transgressions (no, no affairs) lmost half a century ago.

The rest of her family loves me, as I raised her brother and have help all of them financially and emotionally through the years.....46 years of marriage.

I am at the end of mt roap......

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post #2 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 11:38 AM
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Re: Can not understand wife

your son commits suicide, her sister just died and you're concerned that she's not "snapping out of it" fast enough???

jesus....

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #3 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 12:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can not understand wife

Our son committed suicide 14 years ago. He had just reached the age where he was moving out on his own when he developed severe paranoid schizophrenia.

He stayed at home almost 8 years, until his suicide. She had been with him every day, and after his death, she grieved, but took an active interest in getting better, and did so within a couple of months.

In truth it took me a lot longer to recover, and I made no progress till I made up my mind I had to pull myself up by the bootstraps.....

She will still tear up when we unexpectedly turn up a picture of him, or have a conversation that brings him up, but so do I, It is understandable......

Since the death of her sister. she has made no attempt to pull out of her grief.

Her son, (our step son) is also deeply concerned. He asked me if I noticed that she was not coping with her sisters passing as well as ahe had done with his brother.

What he has not seen is the anger and rage she shows toward me when we are alone.....

This is not a short term relationship. I helped her through the death of her father, mother, grandparents, our son, her older sister, and now this latest death. I have always been there to comfort her, but this time, all I get is resentment and anger.

She just dosn't seem to make any progress, or want to.
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post #4 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 12:25 PM
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Re: Can not understand wife

Everyone grieves differently. She may need a counselor to help with this, but most of all, she needs YOU. Be compassionate, understanding, hold her when she's at her worst.

I hope things start improving for the both of you...
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post #5 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-11-2012, 09:40 PM
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Re: Can not understand wife

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Originally Posted by Woodchuck View Post
She will still tear up when we unexpectedly turn up a picture of him, or have a conversation that brings him up, but so do I, It is understandable......

Since the death of her sister. she has made no attempt to pull out of her grief.(
so as long as the grieving looks the same as your grieving then it's ok for her to express it?

No one should be telling her how to grieve, how long she can grieve, or to what extend she can show her pain. Perhaps it is dealing with this attitude and selfish expectation that has caused her to bottle it all up for decades and now explode.

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What he has not seen is the anger and rage she shows toward me when we are alone.....

This is not a short term relationship. I helped her through the death of her father, mother, grandparents, our son, her older sister, and now this latest death. I have always been there to comfort her, but this time, all I get is resentment and anger.
Did you help her as you are helping her now? She's probably bottled all this up for decades trying to live up to your silly and selfish expectations. This last death has broken her. that's all there is to it. The anger and resentment she's expressing towards you isn't something new, i'm guessing she hasn't liked you for a long time. I don't know what you did to incur her wrath (and sorry, i'm not buying your martyr persona) but you're now paying for it. I'm not saying you have to stick around and take it; you have every right to enforce your own boundaries and leave the situation, but if you don't realize how your behavior has impacted her then you will never become a better person.

"I'm a lover of what is, not because I'm a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality."
- Bryon Katie
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post #6 of 9 (permalink) Old 11-12-2012, 04:32 PM
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Re: Can not understand wife

She's depressed and fearful, I feel for both of you.
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post #7 of 9 (permalink) Old 12-01-2012, 07:28 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Can not understand wife

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so as long as the grieving looks the same as your grieving then it's ok for her to express it?

No one should be telling her how to grieve, how long she can grieve, or to what extend she can show her pain. Perhaps it is dealing with this attitude and selfish expectation that has caused her to bottle it all up for decades and now explode.



Did you help her as you are helping her now? She's probably bottled all this up for decades trying to live up to your silly and selfish expectations. This last death has broken her. that's all there is to it. The anger and resentment she's expressing towards you isn't something new, i'm guessing she hasn't liked you for a long time. I don't know what you did to incur her wrath (and sorry, i'm not buying your martyr persona) but you're now paying for it. I'm not saying you have to stick around and take it; you have every right to enforce your own boundaries and leave the situation, but if you don't realize how your behavior has impacted her then you will never become a better person.
Have you ever been tested for "reading for comprehension"?
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post #8 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-03-2013, 11:16 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can not understand wife

UPDATE

After a final blowup where we discussed divorce, We came to the mutual decision to work on our marriage.

I bought the book "The 5 Love Languages". It transformed our marriage.....She still gets sad about her sisters, but now we talk about it, and she feels better. We no longer fight (wonderful)...We are able to communicate, and I love her more than ever. I am the doting partner she said she always wanted.

We spend hours in bed just cuddling, touching kissing....The sex is much more frequent, and absolutely wonderful. I feel like I am on my honeymoon, but it is lasting longer........

My wife is a blessing, and a wonder, and having her like this makes me remember why I wanted her back....I am the luckiest man on the planet to have such a treasure for my own....

My marriage is what I wanted it to be during my retirement years. Instead of waking up to a feeling of dread, and facing yet another day of conflict, I wake up knowing I will have yet another day of love, joy, and happiness.....

The worlds happiest
woodchuck
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post #9 of 9 (permalink) Old 04-06-2013, 02:24 AM
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Re: Can not understand wife

Aww.. Woodchuck, your post and update just made my day :-) I'm glad your marriage is holding up and in fact turning out for the better. I admire you because you stayed with your wife despite everything, she needs you more than ever. I'm also glad your wife is making effort to work things out. Sometimes all a relationship needs is just 'sticking together', no matter what ;-) Staying positive also helps a lot. Again congrats on your progress. More blessings to you and your wife. Mae (relationshipsguide_gal)
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