Husband still greiving over loses and taking Satan"s path. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 2 (permalink) Old 01-16-2013, 02:32 PM Thread Starter
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Husband still greiving over loses and taking Satan"s path.

We lost one of our twin boy's when they were 4 mos. old, 19 years ago. My husband took it really hard back then, as I did, but I had to stay the stronger one for our other two boy's when my husband felt like wanting to commit suicied. But praise to God! , he pulled him through even tho there has been always been queit and saddness in his life to this day when he can seem happy.
We had kind -of a love story in the begginning and a pretty good marriage and never fight, maybe just small arguments, but I wish everything that was really bothering us would come out. We have been married for 30 years and things are just small talk, or just kidding around and when I want to just sit down and have some meaningful conversation, all he wants is sex, which I give him and he say's he dosen't have nothing to talk about and that I should know what the problem is, Cody, our passed on baby son. I know that!, He also has given me everything I could ever want , tells me he loves me and would'nt trade me or are kids for nothing and having lost his son has made him appreciate life more.
Well, if that is the case, all he dose is watch t.v. mainly sports all the time, goes to area sports events which he buys season tickets too, claimimg we have no extra money, money that he can spend taking me out instead, to help our married realationship, but it seems like he just dosen;t want to, or take that effort!. Sorry I have to vent! lol. He also dose'nt pay too much attention, if none at all to his two teenage children at home. Won't go to consoling like we did when our son died ,at first, and say's he will never get over him.
In between all of this stuff, 26 yrs. into our marriage he was tyring to get in touch with his high school sweetheart/ X-Fiancee' on some site that I secretly found out about. He said she was his other greatest loss among loosing one of his son's in his life, in his proflie story. What a big change from what he told me when we met and wrote to eachother for a year before we decided to get married. He said I was his love of his life now, stonger then his first love and that it was like she never exsisted and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He told me they both decide to break it off back then, going off to college and all.
Okay, when she finally responed back to him in Jan. of 2012 and some found letters in mailbox, I was crushed and then got up enough nerv to confront him about her. The story goes, he is the one that broke it off,cause he listened to his friends, not to marry her and that he just wanted to ask for her forgiveness which I found out she did long time ago and that he just wanted to catch -up. She divorced her first husband and her second one she was married to for 27 years had just passed away last june. I have e-mailed her a couple of times and we talked nicely and I told her how much I love my husband, her long ago X, but I think she tells him stuff differently then she has told me. Far as I know, he has"nt emailed her back since last November and I think he is upset , because I don;t like them corrensponding and gets mad and ask me, if he can have any friends. Sre he can, but a X-fiancee" when all the catching up is done allready?. He has also told her he would like to meet up with her some day to catch-up in his past e-mails. the last thing she told him was that she would love to see him again, but that he is married and said old feelings are hard to egnore. I don't know what he said back to her cause I can;t find nothing else. All I know is, after hearring her tell him that, I wrote her a letter to her las Nov. very nicly how much I loved him again and that I did'nt want no one tog et hurt and that I could'nt give up 30 years. I have'nt heard from her since and I also don[t know if their corrensponding some other way.
Now I feel there is more stuff going on with him. He is a christian man, but I feel he is letting Satan take him down the wrong path. I want to confront him about it, but I fear he will just leave me andthe kids.
I secretly caught him watching porn on the internet and a month ago. he was watching it every night for two weeks. I felt susipicuios, cause he has been wanting sex more then ever and wants me to talk dirty , more so. like they do. Now I have been finding nasty adult dating sites that he has not logged out of and founf him chatting to women. He also went as far as lying about his wife, say I don't like sex and that he is extremely sexy and loves sex and said he would like to hook-up with some of them. He also talked to one about the pain of loosing one of his son's and called her gorgious! this is during Christmas time this last Dec. He also gave me a beautiful bracelet with all our kids names on it with a cared talking about commitment. Come on guy! I didn't know whether to throw the bracelet back at him, but all I could do was hold on and hug him, crying to myself, asking why are you doing this to our marriage?. The week before Christmas, we were;nt talking over a little tiff, but latter that evening I made him . That was hard to to, but he blew me away for what he had said. That he was living a life of misery and did'nt know why, but part of it was because of loosing our son 19 yrs.ago, but that he felt like ending his life again after so long. I just don't understand him . He also said, why told we seperate like is sister and husband recently did and go our seperate ways. That has never been brought up and that is something I don't want to do. I want to try and work things out, he likes to runaway from his problems. I told him why dose he feel miserable when he has me and his kids starving for attention. He could not answer and we ended up having sex , as always, so I guess he thinks that it is settled now. and acts like nothing is going on when I hint jokingly wise for him to figure out I know what he has been doing. I guess i if he can't have his high school sweetheart, he is gonna go to some nasty sites. He did spit out when I made him talk that he regretted giving his x-Fiancee" up, but at the time. He also told me a couple of months ago that here was nothing going on between him and her and that their just friends and that he has never cheated on me and never will and that I should trust him and look, now I find him having cyber sex. So scared to confront him, just don't know why he is doing all of this. Maybe he wants to go back to his X and give up 30 years of marriage for his first love, but dos'nt want to tell me, cause he dosen't want to hurt me and still has love for me, but what is his excuse for the nasty sites?. If he did leave, my world would be crushed!. If he could just let go of the past. but he won't and denies it. Or if he had married her , I bet he thinks he wouldn't of had to go through all the pain of loosing a child and now drowning his sorrows with sex. I'am hurt and don;t know what to do and Jesus is my only friend I can talk too. I guess I just keep on praying ,that things will change, but he has got to want to, or try hard at our marriage. Maybe , I'm the problem. But I don't know what I did . or didn't do. I hurt also fro loosing a child. , but it seems like it is all about him. Thanks for listening!


Last edited by alone/7; 01-24-2013 at 09:07 PM.
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post #2 of 2 (permalink) Old 04-07-2013, 11:04 PM
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Re: Husband still greiving over loses and taking Satan"s path.

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Originally Posted by alone/7 View Post
I didn't know whether to throw the bracelet back at him, but all I could do was hold on and hug him, crying to myself, asking why are you doing this to our marriage?. The week before Christmas, we were;nt talking over a little tiff, but latter that evening I made him . That was hard to to, but he blew me away for what he had said. That he was living a life of misery and did'nt know why, but part of it was because of loosing our son 19 yrs.ago, but that he felt like ending his life again after so long. I just don't understand him .
I am sorry you all are going through this. Sure, he is hurting. But, it does not sound like he is doing anything healthy to help himself heal, and you are stuck mostly in the dark, helpless to fix anything for him (not that _that_ is possible, or your job).

Please consider what steps you can find to work on you -- to help you cope, find clarity, and strength. IMHO, these behaviors of his you report, as unfortunate as they are, are not the root of the problem. Yet, they have the potential to grow and cause even deeper damage to you all.

My father's EA darn near drove my mother to suicide; at least, she expressed her desire and intent to end her pain by ending her life, multiple times. Seemed like that whole drama went on for years during my childhood. It was extremely difficult, as a child, to watch. And extremely painful to hear.

My wife had an EA, with her first "love" and sexual partner from 20 or so years earlier. It took me a very long time to understand exactly what was going on, and I recall having several painful surprises along the way -- each waking me up a little bit more and more. As I was slowly starting to understand what was happening, I felt somewhat safe because I knew, in reality, this other fellow's life was really really messed up (severe alcoholism, an arrest for spousal abuse, sexual compulsions and legal problems resulting the alcohol). For awhile, I helped her find ways to help him and his family get him treatment ("nice" guy that I am . I thought surely my wife was just in a fantasy land, and eventually she would have to face the fact he was not the same loving young man she remembered. I thought surely nothing "loving" was going on, and surely nothing physical would be going on. Yet, his wife called me one day (I don't know her) upset about a "loving" voice-mail message my wife had left him. (To this day, I worry that a physical connection might have been made -- in retrospect, there were some opportunities despite the travel distance between here and there). Had I known the content of their hours and hours of telephone conversations, I'm pretty sure I would have been devastated 1000 times more than I was (and I was devestated). But, as it went, I took some strength from the conviction that it would be over my dead body before she would ever bring his dysfunction into within a 100 miles of our daughters, and that her and my family would back it up; even my daughters would flinch at the notion of him coming around. So, I believed she would eventually _have_ to wake up, and that once she woke up, she would never choose him over me.

There were a few "ends" to the EA, that turned out to be lies. I believe I finally woke her up to the fantasy nature of her EA, and it took much more of an ultimatum than I had ever thought would be required. She's a smart lady, and has many good qualities, and is a good and loving mother. Yet, this guy was an obsession, was like a drug, and she would've never let go of that until I found strength to make her understand the consequences of it all continuing -- end of marriage. I was lucky, I guess, in that I thought I had some leverage.

I'm not saying any of this applies to your situation, or that you should handle your situation like (I think) I handled mine. I'm just trying to convey she was in a fog, and it seemed likely to go on and on, and kept going on even when it had supposedly ended. Maybe others with more wisdom on this sort of thing will chime in with some helpful ideas for you.

It sounds to me like your husband is hurting, exactly why I am not sure. Maybe it's the loss of your son, but if so, IMHO, he is hanging onto that as an excuse to avoid responsibility for taking steps to heal that, and to heal the damage he has done with the EA and regrettable on-line behavior, and to honor his marriage vows and commitments to your living child or children.

We all hurt sometimes. He needs to find a healthy way to cope, and commit to you and your children -- through actions -- that he will work hard to achieve a healthier mental state. In the meantime, seek assistance to protect and grow your own mental health, for that is something you can work on without his cooperation.

Last edited by PieceOfSky; 04-07-2013 at 11:13 PM.
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