I didn't know whether to throw the bracelet back at him, but all I could do was hold on and hug him, crying to myself, asking why are you doing this to our marriage?. The week before Christmas, we were;nt talking over a little tiff, but latter that evening I made him . That was hard to to, but he blew me away for what he had said. That he was living a life of misery and did'nt know why, but part of it was because of loosing our son 19 yrs.ago, but that he felt like ending his life again after so long. I just don't understand him .
I am sorry you all are going through this. Sure, he is hurting. But, it does not sound like he is doing anything healthy to help himself heal, and you are stuck mostly in the dark, helpless to fix anything for him (not that _that_ is possible, or your job).
Please consider what steps you can find to work on you -- to help you cope, find clarity, and strength. IMHO, these behaviors of his you report, as unfortunate as they are, are not the root of the problem. Yet, they have the potential to grow and cause even deeper damage to you all.
My father's EA darn near drove my mother to suicide; at least, she expressed her desire and intent to end her pain by ending her life, multiple times. Seemed like that whole drama went on for years during my childhood. It was extremely difficult, as a child, to watch. And extremely painful to hear.
My wife had an EA, with her first "love" and sexual partner from 20 or so years earlier. It took me a very long time to understand exactly what was going on, and I recall having several painful surprises along the way -- each waking me up a little bit more and more. As I was slowly starting to understand what was happening, I felt somewhat safe because I knew, in reality, this other fellow's life was really really messed up (severe alcoholism, an arrest for spousal abuse, sexual compulsions and legal problems resulting the alcohol). For awhile, I helped her find ways to help him and his family get him treatment ("nice" guy that I am
. I thought surely my wife was just in a fantasy land, and eventually she would have to face the fact he was not the same loving young man she remembered. I thought surely nothing "loving" was going on, and surely nothing physical would be going on. Yet, his wife called me one day (I don't know her) upset about a "loving" voice-mail message my wife had left him. (To this day, I worry that a physical connection might have been made -- in retrospect, there were some opportunities despite the travel distance between here and there). Had I known the content of their hours and hours of telephone conversations, I'm pretty sure I would have been devastated 1000 times more than I was (and I was devestated). But, as it went, I took some strength from the conviction that it would be over my dead body before she would ever bring his dysfunction into within a 100 miles of our daughters, and that her and my family would back it up; even my daughters would flinch at the notion of him coming around. So, I believed she would eventually _have_ to wake up, and that once she woke up, she would never choose him over me.
There were a few "ends" to the EA, that turned out to be lies. I believe I finally woke her up to the fantasy nature of her EA, and it took much more of an ultimatum than I had ever thought would be required. She's a smart lady, and has many good qualities, and is a good and loving mother. Yet, this guy was an obsession, was like a drug, and she would've never let go of that until I found strength to make her understand the consequences of it all continuing -- end of marriage. I was lucky, I guess, in that I thought I had some leverage.
I'm not saying any of this applies to your situation, or that you should handle your situation like (I think) I handled mine. I'm just trying to convey she was in a fog, and it seemed likely to go on and on, and kept going on even when it had supposedly ended. Maybe others with more wisdom on this sort of thing will chime in with some helpful ideas for you.
It sounds to me like your husband is hurting, exactly why I am not sure. Maybe it's the loss of your son, but if so, IMHO, he is hanging onto that as an excuse to avoid responsibility for taking steps to heal that, and to heal the damage he has done with the EA and regrettable on-line behavior, and to honor his marriage vows and commitments to your living child or children.
We all hurt sometimes. He needs to find a healthy way to cope, and commit to you and your children -- through actions -- that he will work hard to achieve a healthier mental state. In the meantime, seek assistance to protect and grow your own mental health, for that is something you can work on without his cooperation.