Darkest Day of My Life - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:02 AM Thread Starter
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Unhappy Darkest Day of My Life

This is the first time I have posted on this forum and the first time I have ever written/typed this out.

On May 31, 2004(Memorial Day) at 2:15 am. I found my wife and I's 7 1/2 month old son in his crib non-responsive. I yelled for my wife who was in the living room at the time and I carried him in there and laid him on the floor. I went to call 911. We were both in shock and she tried to start CPR but she couldn't do it so I had to take over. She was hysterical and started calling family and she checked his vital signs and she kept saying "I know he's gone" and I was still trying to do CPR. I finally stopped and she said to check his diaper and he had a bowel movement in there. We took his diaper off and changed him one last time before the EMT's got there.

The EMT's finally got there and I carried him out there and they took him in the squad to start the procedures and all I could do was watch. My MIL drove us to the hospital where we already had family waiting for support. The doctor came in and told us he was already gone when he was brought in and let us go in the room to say goodbye and hold him one last time.

Needless to say the funeral was also hard and I won't go into details about it.

The worst part is we also have another son who was 3 at the time and I shut both him and her out for 2 years (deep dark depression). I was just a shell of a person, no feeling, no joy, I didn't console my wife throughout that whole time and now I'm dealing with the repercussions of those years. We are having a rough time right now and she said she's got a wall up around her heart because I really hurt her for "checking out" for so long. I know it wasn't right and she said she asked me to go to talk to someone about but I don't remember it. She says she is still mad at me for it and is having a hard time letting go of the anger. I asked her is there was anything I could do and she said it's something she has to let go of. I feel that for our marriage to get better she has to "let go" of the anger and open back up to me. Sorry this is so long and I appreciate and comments made on it. Thanks.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:14 AM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

You both need to get into consoling. Individilually and together. Your wife maybe experiencing PTSD, you may also. Sorry to hear about your child.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

I asked her is she wanted to talk to someone and she said she didn't want to tell it all over again to someone else (she has a new friend, a guy, and she told him about everything). I want us to go but I can't force her because I believe we are on the brink of a divorce and I don't want things to boil over, so to speak.

edit: Her and the guy are just friends and I've been told this many times. He even told me that if I wasn't okay with them talking he would stop.

Last edited by brianj_usa; 01-18-2013 at 08:28 AM. Reason: info
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:34 AM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

This new guy have your marriage best interest at heart? My father and I saw my older brother die in a freak accident in 2000. I sought help but my father didn't and he has never been the same since. These feeling your wife has for you need to be brought out in the open and addressed.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

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This new guy have your marriage best interest at heart? My father and I saw my older brother die in a freak accident in 2000. I sought help but my father didn't and he has never been the same since. These feeling your wife has for you need to be brought out in the open and addressed.
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We've been talking and she even let me read the text messages back and forth. He's telling her to try and make it work and he said he hopes everything works out for us. He suggested consoling for us both ind. and together. We have talked about everything and have had open communication for about 3-4 weeks now. The most we've talked in 4-5 years. This will be TMI but our love life has been the most passionate it has been in years.
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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:48 AM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

Best thing to do is get into MC.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 08:52 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

OK, she has a trip coming up in March to go to Vegas with some friends and she said that it will be a "anger resolving" trip. She said she wants to go have fun and pretend she's not married for a few days (without infidelity) and see some places she's never been. She's 31 and only been out of state to go to Myrtle Beach with family. Should we wait til after that or try to have her go before?
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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 09:02 AM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

BEFORE. Asap.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

I just asked her again and she was very certain she doesn't want to go for consoling. I'm not sure what I can do to change her mind
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 10:13 AM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

"Pretend she's not married" I don't know how you could be okay with your wife saying this. I would stop asking, find a therapist, make a appointment, tell her when and where.
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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 10:17 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

She's very strong willed and stubborn, how do I get her past that to go? She's been this way for awhile.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 10:20 AM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

If she loves you and your marriage, she would go. Plus you have another child you have to think about.
Her walking around angry at you all the time, your other son sees this.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-18-2013, 07:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

Sorry just got in from work. No, she puts on a face while anyone is around. We have since had 4 other children so we have 5 total living.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 01-22-2013, 05:13 PM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

Brian,
First off I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your child. I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through.

As this area gets a lot less traffic, I would highly recommend you start a separate thread in the General Relationship Discussion or ask a mod to move this thread there.

Why? It sounds like it wasn't just you who checked out of the marriage. You brought up two HUGE red flags that are a common component of stories read in the 'Coping With Infidelity' forum. That of an opposite gender confidant who is 'just friends' and a 'get away from my marriage' trip to Vegas.

I would be willing to wager a significant amount of money this 'friend' is going to be in Vegas at the same time. At a minimum sounds like she could very well be in an EA with him.

Last edited by Sennik; 01-22-2013 at 10:06 PM.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 04-02-2013, 11:32 AM
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Re: Darkest Day of My Life

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Originally Posted by brianj_usa View Post
She's very strong willed and stubborn, how do I get her past that to go? She's been this way for awhile.
Drag her, carry her!!
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