Don't get me wrong I too believe in God and Jesus Christ 100% and was baptised in his name a long time ago, but that doesn't mean that I am ready to say goodbye to my loved ones HERE and transform into a different life form and change my name and all of that.
Although I am not planning to do anything or planning on going anywhere, I really have no loved ones. They have abandoned me as my XW did. I am trying to decide what it's all about now. Why am I here if not to love, share and enjoy life?
Right now, there is not much to enjoy. I have had these struggles off and on my whole life. I am tired. I look for direction. I look for something to succeed at so that I can find a will to live life the way we are meant, "to the fullest".
I lost that will when I realized what my beloved wife had done and what she believed about me, the ones which pushed her to her decision, were mostly untrue. I don't want to prove or disprove anything. I know that I am never going to have what I truly desired.
I have, all my life(puts index finger and thumb together), been this close to achieving my goals. I have tried again and again and again, improving my skills and educating myself. I have failed and believe it is due to God's desire. I will achieve only what He enables me to achieve. If He does not want me to achieve my goals, I will not.
I am looking at different ways of thinking of God. He will not represent Himself in my life. Being that He is love, omnicient and omnipotent, I can only blame my lack of understanding for the position I am in. I can only understand what He wants from me by reading the bible.
I need to find out why I should try to live the fullest life possible rather than just exist. I have not found that. I am starting to have desires. I am afraid they will end like the rest of my desires and goals, i.e.: when I love them, I lose them.