Re: Dealing with suicide in the family
First let me say, I am so sorry for your loss; to lose your mother in such a way and so young is tragic. And yes, I can relate as I lost someone I loved to suicide when I was not much older than you. My first SO committed suicide when I was in my early 20's. We were in a really bad way (cheating, alcohol abuse, endless fighting), had split, were in the process of tentatively reconciling (or rather I was trying very hard to forgive and forget, but not quite succeeding), and then, just like that, it all ended. No note, no explanation, no good bye, just gone. Like you, it affected every single aspect of my life. In many ways my life ended on that day too, or rather the person I was or would have been was buried along with them. I was utterly and irrevocably devastated and altered after that. I spent a very long time trying to recover; I was like a ghost haunting my own life...nothing could really penetrate the haze of despair, guilt, and grief I was shrouded in. Sometimes I think you don't ever truly recover from something like this...you just survive it. And even though it was long ago now...like you, I still remember the loss and shock, it stops me cold, and I give in to it sometimes and still mourn.
As you know, only the passage of time lessens the immediacy of the grief and sorrow, although it never really goes away. But I like to believe that even time itself is humbled by the love and memories we carry in our hearts...because we live, so do our loved ones who are gone.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss and I pray for your continued strength and recovery.