I was finally honest with my older brother. - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 12:40 AM Thread Starter
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I was finally honest with my older brother.

Some of you may remember that back about 5 months ago my older brother's wife had a massive stroke that put her in the ICU for 2 weeks, and after that she was released to a rehab facility to begin her recovery. Well after about 2 weeks in there she suffered a series of mini strokes as well as a mild heart attack and was sent back to ICU, and now here it is 5 months later and she is still alive but cannot breathe on her own nor do either of her kidneys work and she's hooked upto several machines, and she sleeps at least 20 hours a day and hasn't spoken a word this entire time.

Now that you know all that I will tell you this that I finally responded to my brother about the whole situation, and I basically told him that it's probably best to just let her go and to end all the suffering finally. Well he responded angrily and in so many words told me to "BUTT OUT" and mind my own damn business, even though I was just being up front and honest with him and said it as nice as I possibly could.

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post #2 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 03:06 AM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

That's difficult...all the way around. I imagine you were offering your opinion from a place of love and compassion, but he's probably so raw and in such intense pain right now that all he can do is lash out his frustration and anger. It's hard, but try not to take it personally. Just let him know you care about him and will support him no matter what. Sorry you and your family are going through this.
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post #3 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 09:43 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

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Originally Posted by Curse of Millhaven View Post
That's difficult...all the way around. I imagine you were offering your opinion from a place of love and compassion, but he's probably so raw and in such intense pain right now that all he can do is lash out his frustration and anger. It's hard, but try not to take it personally. Just let him know you care about him and will support him no matter what. Sorry you and your family are going through this.
Thanks; and this morning I got another e-mail from him basically saying thanks for my concerns, but from here on out please keep all of my opinions on this matter to myself.
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post #4 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 09:47 AM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

All you can do now is let him know you love him and are there if he needs anything.

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He defines TMI. He should rename himself IndyTMI. If you're gonna do it, own it all the way I say.
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post #5 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 09:49 AM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

ultimately it's his choice, he knew his wife best and has the responsibility of enacting what he feels is the best course for her. He acted out in anger because he feels you do not support his decision to keep her on life support.
My wife and I both have living wills so it's crystal clear to anyone else who wishes to interfere what our true wishes are (to not live like that). I know it's tough to see your brother go through this and I truly understand your position but the support he needs right now isn't a contrary opinion unless he asks for one. This isn't a crystal clear situation of right and wrong and the decision lies within the heart. Help him with what he wants to do.

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post #6 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 09:58 AM Thread Starter
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

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ultimately it's his choice, he knew his wife best and has the responsibility of enacting what he feels is the best course for her. He acted out in anger because he feels you do not support his decision to keep her on life support.
My wife and I both have living wills so it's crystal clear to anyone else who wishes to interfere what our true wishes are (to not live like that). I know it's tough to see your brother go through this and I truly understand your position but the support he needs right now isn't a contrary opinion unless he asks for one. This isn't a crystal clear situation of right and wrong and the decision lies within the heart. Help him with what he wants to do.
I guess I just got tired of hearing about her suffering for 5 months now and for all that it is putting him through(he barely sleeps or eats), but I will stay out of it now and keep on praying for him from afar because they live about 50 miles away.
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post #7 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-01-2013, 10:00 AM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

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I guess I just got tired of hearing about her suffering for 5 months now and for all that it is putting him through(he barely sleeps or eats), but I will stay out of it now and keep on praying for him from afar because they live about 50 miles away.
I'm truly sorry this has happened to your family CP, some situations are what they are. I know it's tough.

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post #8 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

Update: my sister in law passed away Monday after having a massive heart attack and could not be revived, and so now the suffering is finally over and the funeral is set for this Friday.
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post #9 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-12-2013, 11:53 PM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

condolences.
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post #10 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-13-2013, 12:31 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

*Bump*

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post #11 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2013, 08:15 PM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

Sorry for your loss. I hope that things are going to be okay between you and your brother and he will put it behind him.
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post #12 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2013, 08:23 PM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

Sorry for your loss, people think and handle things different. You were being compassionate about her suffering your brother did not want to lose his wife.

Very hard situation, there is no right answer just support.
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post #13 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-15-2013, 11:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

The funeral was this morning and my brother and I hugged and had a nice talk so it's all good now, and we both understand where each one was coming from.
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post #14 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-16-2013, 07:46 AM
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

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The funeral was this morning and my brother and I hugged and had a nice talk so it's all good now, and we both understand where each one was coming from.
This is great! He will need lots of ongoing support as he grieves so it's wonderful he has you. Tell him you are there for him if he just wants to talk about her and look at pictures of her, or to go out in the world and do something for awhile and take his mind off it. It's entirely his agenda and either way you will support. Live, love and laugh as they say.
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post #15 of 16 (permalink) Old 03-16-2013, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: I was finally honest with my older brother.

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This is great! He will need lots of ongoing support as he grieves so it's wonderful he has you. Tell him you are there for him if he just wants to talk about her and look at pictures of her, or to go out in the world and do something for awhile and take his mind off it. It's entirely his agenda and either way you will support. Live, love and laugh as they say.
I will have to give him support from afar because he lives about 50 miles away, and as far as going anywhere he lost his job throughout this whole thing because the company went belly up so that will have to be his focus very soon(getting another job).
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