Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids
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Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Focused Topics »Dealing with Grief and Loss » Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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Old 03-07-2013, 03:47 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

My wife is from Brazil, and we have been married for 3 years. We have a 2 year old son.

Her father has had a bad from of cancer for about the past year. During this time, she went twice to visit him, once for 4 weeks, and once for 3 weeks. Both times she took our son.

About 2 weeks ago she received a call from her mom that the end is near, hurry up and say goodbye etc. Let me say I hate my wife leaving, especially with my son, but I agreed she can go for 2 weeks. We both agreed longer than 2 weeks is too long as this issue came up before.

So, a few days ago she told me he is slipping into a coma, not much she can do, she will be back Friday as planned. She said she made her peace and she sounded eager to see me on the phone.

Then 2 days ago, when I ask when her flight arrives, she told me 7 am, then she said "well I am staying 8 more days". I was upset, as she did not really ask or discuss with me, just told me she is staying longer. But, she said regardless she will return for sure the next friday.

So, the next day rolls around, and she said she asked the doctor, and he said he might live a few more weeks, in a coma..So NOW she is staying for that period of time, PLUS one more week after the funeral for some ceremony.

What would you do in my position? I feel she broke our agreement, and I cannot even trust she will return on this new timetable.. I am missing my son more and more everyday. Now it might be who knows how long? our 2 week agreement went to 3 weeks, now maybe 3 months? I do not know what to do.
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Old 03-08-2013, 05:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

When Families are faced with life or death matters all prior arrangements are off the table. Yes you may be missing your son , you don't miss her??? What about her missing her Father ? Or wanting to be there to support her Family and them support her? Doesn't seem like she gets much support from you. Why did you not go with her and help with the child??? This just feels overbearing and strange to me. Let her grieve and help family without holding your hand .
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Old 03-08-2013, 06:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Well, I did not go as we have bills to pay. I have to work. In a perfect world I would be there.

I understand your point. I was wondering if I was being a jerk or not. At the same time, if he is hooked up to machines and in a coma for months, I do not see the point to her hanging around there.
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Old 03-09-2013, 09:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

I'd be upset however I'm not sure there is much you can do about it. She is already gone and is out of the country with your son. Throw a big enough fit and you may never see either of them again.

Next time a family member is dying don't be so quick to buy the plane ticket unless you go with her because you now know she will be gone indefinitely.

For now just pray he dies soon so you can get your family back. I'm not cold but I'm not okay with being away from my family for weeks/months at a time unless we agreed on that upfront.
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Old 03-09-2013, 04:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

It is a tough time and it makes me question my entire marriage.

I think of the double standard.. Could I take my son to visit my father for a month, or indefinitely? Not in a million years.

If I did, would I keep my word to her, or just change it daily? Especially if she was very bothered?

She only has the ability to go because I am the responsible one. The one working, paying the bills, providing everything. She went 3 times in the past 1.5 years.

I wonder how she would feel if I said "Ok, you take over working..Start saving for my month long trip to see my family. And yes, that will be our only vacation of the year.. Me leaving and you working"
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Old 03-09-2013, 05:08 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Well if you know she loves you,support her and try to understand.
If she was close to her dad,she feels she needs to be there.
She only has one dad,so when hes gone you will never repeat
this scenario again.

My wife has a really close tight good family.I get along as I would loose if I tried to drive a wedge between them.Even though it is stressful to you,your child is seeing that family really matters.

If her family treats you well,let it go.Your wife will love you more after its all over.
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Old 03-09-2013, 05:48 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Thanks for the advice.. Overall I feel she does love me.. The problem in our marriage is these trips.

They always resemble the same cycle.. She gets to Brazil, cannot stand being around her mom, hard to adjust, tells me she cannot wait to come back.. After about 2 weeks she feels sad for having to leave he family in Brazil, then hard for her to leave. Once home with me she must re adjust again to a different life here, and arguments ensue.

I dread this cycle, so we agreed on no more than 2 weeks in the future. So not only am I wondering when she will come back, I am wondering what her state of mind will be.

During a recent argument over this, we both said mean things and she referred to her life as a "prison" when I suggested in the future all of us go, she goes without her son, or her family comes here. That was pretty hurtful as she does not ever see the big picture and realize she is the only one going on vacations anywhere.

I simply accept that I am married, thus what I do is with her in mind.. Sure, I might like to see extended family in Europe, go see my family up north etc. But I do not even think of doing these things unless she comes along.
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Old 03-09-2013, 06:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Maybe when she gets back,you need to ask her to get a job
if shes willing.This might let her see things differently.
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Old 03-09-2013, 06:27 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by nevergveup View Post
Maybe when she gets back,you need to ask her to get a job
if shes willing.This might let her see things differently.
Considered this before, but with the cost of putting our son in child care it does not make much sense.
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Old 03-10-2013, 06:51 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Well, her dad passed last night in his sleep.
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Old 03-12-2013, 05:58 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Well, now it has changed again..

Now she needs to stay 3 more weeks to comfort her mom..

This is what I knew would happen, even though she guaranteed it would not. So, I guess I wait and wonder if she will be back in 3 weeks..
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:35 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Well, now it has changed again..

Now she needs to stay 3 more weeks to comfort her mom..

This is what I knew would happen, even though she guaranteed it would not. So, I guess I wait and wonder if she will be back in 3 weeks..
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:41 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

I would say this has almost become a game. I accepted that she will have to stay until the end and an extra week. That was our latest agreement. Once he past I told her again I love her, miss her etc.

But now she claims to be mad I was not more supportive, so that is the reason she wants to stay for easter. So I was upset again, almost gave her an ultimatum etc.

At this point it seems perhaps I should just be short with her, not make her a priority? I do not know.

I feel like a complete pushover for accepting another new timeline. Our sons birthday is a week after easter and I already see her suggesting she will stay with that. It all makes me feel like just a bill payer.
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:58 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Wifes father passing, how to deal with travel and kids

Yes you are just a bill payer. Wait till she comes back then never ever ever let her leave the country again with your son.
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:22 AM   #15 (permalink)
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