Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Here and there, but nowhere
Re: Wife changed after father's death
db52993, I don’t mean to scare you but if you love your wife and marriage, this could be disastrous…It was for me. This has all the makings of a Mid-life crisis.
My story in a nut shell.
I was married for 16 years. Up until year 13 our marriage was honestly pretty good. I was happy although I understand that no marriage is perfect, ours was close. I was constantly being reassured by XWW that she was happy as well. We had a nice home, new cars and 3 great kids. I have a great income working normal hours...no real worries and great vacations. Our relationship was still strong and we had fun together. We would still chase each other around the house like newlyweds. I actually still have the holiday cards she gave me that year where she is gushing about how lucky and thankful she is for me and our marriage, how much she loves me and how much I mean to her.
Everything started to go south after her parents died...6 months apart. After that, she was never the same. She quickly evolved into a super selfish version of her previous self. The world now revolved around her. During this transition period she started drifting farther and farther away from me emotionally despite my every effort. She had lost physical attraction for me too. Honestly, I'm over 6' tall, have all my hair, work out regularly and am in better shape than most guys 25 years old. This suddenly didn't matter. She started blaming me for her sudden unhappiness and resented my very existence. She started to rebel like a teenager. She opened up credit cards in my name, without my knowledge, and racked up huge balances buying tons of new clothes and shoes. She stopped doing her share around the house. She started to become a Facebook addict, constantly posting pictures of her which drew that attention of lots of guys. She started going out partying with her friends often drinking and coming home later and later, lying about where she had been. Whenever I would express my displeasure about her behavior, she would accuse me of being controlling. Then she started cheating with an old school friend from Facebook that went on for a 1 ½ years before I found out. She had completely imploded. The scary part about this is...it all happened within one year!
In retrospect, she was the poster child for a female mid-life crisis. It was the perfect storm of elements that came together at the right, or rather, wrong time. I feel the trigger for this change in her was the death of her parents. This is a common trigger for a MLC. Other factors included: Her age...approaching 40 years old. We were married for 13 years at that point (years 10 to 15 seem to be common). Our kids were getting older and becoming more self-sufficient. She really became immersed in cyber friendships and Facebook. She also had too much spare time on her hands with no real personal goals beyond having children.
Of course, her infidelity was the death knell for our marriage. That was the line I would not tolerate being crossed. I will never completely understand what happened to her. I am 9 years older than her and never went through a complete re-assessment of my life’s values and priorities but then again, my parents are still alive. She never really took the time to dig deep within herself and sort it all out. This change in her was something that no one could or would have predicted especially our close friends and family. She really did have a wonderful life but it suddenly meant nothing to her anymore.
If this is what you are going through you better strap yourself in for a hell of a ride. There won’t be much, if anything you can do to alter this. You need to take care of yourself and remember, you can’t nice her back. Some of these MLC’s last a couple years and come full circle in which they return to the same values they once had. Some never come back.
It will be up to you to draw the line in the sand as to what you are willing and not willing to put up with and communicate this to her very clearly. If she crosses that line you must react accordingly.
Good luck my friend