Wife changed after father's death - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #16 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-26-2015, 11:43 AM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

db52993, I don’t mean to scare you but if you love your wife and marriage, this could be disastrous…It was for me. This has all the makings of a Mid-life crisis.

My story in a nut shell.

I was married for 16 years. Up until year 13 our marriage was honestly pretty good. I was happy although I understand that no marriage is perfect, ours was close. I was constantly being reassured by XWW that she was happy as well. We had a nice home, new cars and 3 great kids. I have a great income working normal hours...no real worries and great vacations. Our relationship was still strong and we had fun together. We would still chase each other around the house like newlyweds. I actually still have the holiday cards she gave me that year where she is gushing about how lucky and thankful she is for me and our marriage, how much she loves me and how much I mean to her.

Everything started to go south after her parents died...6 months apart. After that, she was never the same. She quickly evolved into a super selfish version of her previous self. The world now revolved around her. During this transition period she started drifting farther and farther away from me emotionally despite my every effort. She had lost physical attraction for me too. Honestly, I'm over 6' tall, have all my hair, work out regularly and am in better shape than most guys 25 years old. This suddenly didn't matter. She started blaming me for her sudden unhappiness and resented my very existence. She started to rebel like a teenager. She opened up credit cards in my name, without my knowledge, and racked up huge balances buying tons of new clothes and shoes. She stopped doing her share around the house. She started to become a Facebook addict, constantly posting pictures of her which drew that attention of lots of guys. She started going out partying with her friends often drinking and coming home later and later, lying about where she had been. Whenever I would express my displeasure about her behavior, she would accuse me of being controlling. Then she started cheating with an old school friend from Facebook that went on for a 1 ½ years before I found out. She had completely imploded. The scary part about this is...it all happened within one year!

In retrospect, she was the poster child for a female mid-life crisis. It was the perfect storm of elements that came together at the right, or rather, wrong time. I feel the trigger for this change in her was the death of her parents. This is a common trigger for a MLC. Other factors included: Her age...approaching 40 years old. We were married for 13 years at that point (years 10 to 15 seem to be common). Our kids were getting older and becoming more self-sufficient. She really became immersed in cyber friendships and Facebook. She also had too much spare time on her hands with no real personal goals beyond having children.

Of course, her infidelity was the death knell for our marriage. That was the line I would not tolerate being crossed. I will never completely understand what happened to her. I am 9 years older than her and never went through a complete re-assessment of my life’s values and priorities but then again, my parents are still alive. She never really took the time to dig deep within herself and sort it all out. This change in her was something that no one could or would have predicted especially our close friends and family. She really did have a wonderful life but it suddenly meant nothing to her anymore.

If this is what you are going through you better strap yourself in for a hell of a ride. There won’t be much, if anything you can do to alter this. You need to take care of yourself and remember, you can’t nice her back. Some of these MLC’s last a couple years and come full circle in which they return to the same values they once had. Some never come back.

It will be up to you to draw the line in the sand as to what you are willing and not willing to put up with and communicate this to her very clearly. If she crosses that line you must react accordingly.

Good luck my friend

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post #17 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-26-2015, 03:11 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

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Honestly, I'm over 6' tall, have all my hair
Hey what's that supposed to mean?

I'm thinning on top so I should expect to be cheated on?

Presumably with a 6' tall guy with all his hair.
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post #18 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-26-2015, 03:27 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

I'm with Decimated.. a major life change involving death or illness often means Mid Life Crisis, and I'm thick in the weeds of one right now. Check out these threads for more reading -- unfortunately, despite searching and searching, the only advice I've seen for dealing with it seems to be 'grit your teeth, roll over on your back, and tough it out for years', which.. is not promising. Mine is ending in D, personally. Good luck to you -- I know how difficult it is to accept the complete and overwhelming change from lovable person to insane 4-year-old.

MLC (Midlife Crisis)...my wife is in the wind...
Mid Life Crisis in Women
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post #19 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-26-2015, 04:25 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

You need to re-examinne the role her father and faith played in her life and her sisters. From what you written both the father and her faith served to suppress who she and the sister are. With the father alive his beliefs dominated not thier's. My EWW had a close relationship with dad but when he pass so did she in a manner of speaking.

On the other hand my dad's passing re-enforced the values he shared with me. Can you grasp the difference. At this point you need to read about walk away wives, the 180, and the fog. Not because she is there yet, but to protect your marriage.
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post #20 of 33 (permalink) Old 08-26-2015, 06:25 PM
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Tobin...lol!

If it makes you feel better, the clown she was cheating with had lost most of his hair and wasn't in that great of shape.

I was trying to make a point that it didn't matter what kind of husband I was, what kind of relationship or life we shared, what I looked like, or what kind of shape I was in, she suddenly lost attraction to me after her parents died. I truly think what she went through was inevitable. It didn't matter who she was married to, it just happened to be me.
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post #21 of 33 (permalink) Old 02-13-2016, 09:00 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

Holy Crap,

Nearly every post in here describes the state of our current marriage today. In my case my wife lost her mother, father and her younger brother within the space of ten years. The loss of her parents didn't impact her. The untimely death of her brother did. He was 43. He died of multiple organ failure (heavy drinker). She and I both drink, but not anything like her brother did. But we do drink just about every night. We've been married for nearly 14 years. The past year has been the worst of my life. She's never treated me like this before.

But the tale of woe I hear from db52993 and the others sounds frighteningly familiar. My wife has withdrawn from me emotionally, stays out with friends or work associates without telling me and, worse yet, has taken to lying to hide her tracks. I know this because I caught one in a whopper that really surprised me. She'd never done anything like this before. We've been to counseling together and apart. I still continue to see a counselor. The counselor tells me I've become the target for all her grief and depression because I'm the only one left. We do not have any kids. We tried the old fashioned way and then a fertility clinic. Struck out on both counts. One night, about eight months ago, she looked me in the eye and said: "I'm so glad we didn't have any children together."

Needless to say, I was shocked. The abuse has been pretty steady for the past eight to nine months. I can't understand it. Holidays have been the absolute worst. The abuse worsens. She nearly came unglued for the crime of suggesting we put up a Christmas tree together. When my brother tried to counsel her and ask what the problem was, she responded that she is irritated by everything I say or do.

She told the marriage counselor that she's absolutely committed to making the marriage work. Yet the abuse continues. The hurtful comments. The outright lies. The counselor has told me to let her be who she wants to be and let her do what she wants. Don't get angry. Don't get mad. Just roll with it. When she gets angry, try to talk things out. "I'm sorry that you're mad, would you like to talk about what is making you upset" is to be my standard response.

To be honest -- I don't know how long I can keep this up. She's Catholic and claims to be a "good Catholic girl" that would never think of divorce. But she's clearly pushing me away. She knows she's pushing me away. But she hasn't told me to leave. She hasn't said she wants to leave, but also talks wistfully about the freedom of living in a condo downtown. Every message I get from her is mixed.

To the people who have posted here -- who have gone through the same thing. What is the end result? Is this marriage doomed? I'm 52 years old and really don't look forward to living the single life again. I adore my wife. I love our marriage. I've loved every moment of it. She was happy -- or so I thought. But this past year has been the worst year of my life and I don't see a light at the end of a tunnel -- and if I do -- I fear it might be the light of an oncoming freight train.
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post #22 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-30-2016, 07:11 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

Billbird2111,

Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.

I hope things will improve for you.
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post #23 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 07:10 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

I feel she needs time and perhaps counseling. Death is such a hard thing to deal with, especially since your wife never got to say bye to her father. This kind of pain with take the wings of time to fly away.
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post #24 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 07:52 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

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Originally Posted by db52993 View Post
Billbird2111,

Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.

I hope things will improve for you.
Sorry. Looking at your first post. You need to work on yourself, don't eat the strawberries, walk gingerly on eggshells, be a better doormat, etc. all bull****.

At least you know the truth. Typical cheater rewriting history as she spreads her legs for another man.

Last edited by MattMatt; 06-13-2017 at 11:31 AM.
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post #25 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 07:54 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

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Originally Posted by billbird2111 View Post
Holy Crap,

Nearly every post in here describes the state of our current marriage today. In my case my wife lost her mother, father and her younger brother within the space of ten years. The loss of her parents didn't impact her. The untimely death of her brother did. He was 43. He died of multiple organ failure (heavy drinker). She and I both drink, but not anything like her brother did. But we do drink just about every night. We've been married for nearly 14 years. The past year has been the worst of my life. She's never treated me like this before.

But the tale of woe I hear from db52993 and the others sounds frighteningly familiar. My wife has withdrawn from me emotionally, stays out with friends or work associates without telling me and, worse yet, has taken to lying to hide her tracks. I know this because I caught one in a whopper that really surprised me. She'd never done anything like this before. We've been to counseling together and apart. I still continue to see a counselor. The counselor tells me I've become the target for all her grief and depression because I'm the only one left. We do not have any kids. We tried the old fashioned way and then a fertility clinic. Struck out on both counts. One night, about eight months ago, she looked me in the eye and said: "I'm so glad we didn't have any children together."

Needless to say, I was shocked. The abuse has been pretty steady for the past eight to nine months. I can't understand it. Holidays have been the absolute worst. The abuse worsens. She nearly came unglued for the crime of suggesting we put up a Christmas tree together. When my brother tried to counsel her and ask what the problem was, she responded that she is irritated by everything I say or do.

She told the marriage counselor that she's absolutely committed to making the marriage work. Yet the abuse continues. The hurtful comments. The outright lies. The counselor has told me to let her be who she wants to be and let her do what she wants. Don't get angry. Don't get mad. Just roll with it. When she gets angry, try to talk things out. "I'm sorry that you're mad, would you like to talk about what is making you upset" is to be my standard response.

To be honest -- I don't know how long I can keep this up. She's Catholic and claims to be a "good Catholic girl" that would never think of divorce. But she's clearly pushing me away. She knows she's pushing me away. But she hasn't told me to leave. She hasn't said she wants to leave, but also talks wistfully about the freedom of living in a condo downtown. Every message I get from her is mixed.

To the people who have posted here -- who have gone through the same thing. What is the end result? Is this marriage doomed? I'm 52 years old and really don't look forward to living the single life again. I adore my wife. I love our marriage. I've loved every moment of it. She was happy -- or so I thought. But this past year has been the worst year of my life and I don't see a light at the end of a tunnel -- and if I do -- I fear it might be the light of an oncoming freight train.
Listen to sissy advice if you want. Be nice to her, give her time/space, be a nice little doormat, etc

if you're smart the first thing you do is CHECK YOUR PHONE BILL!!!!!!!!!!

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post #26 of 33 (permalink) Old 03-31-2016, 08:31 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

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Billbird2111,

Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.

I hope things will improve for you.
That's sad. Take strength from all the others here.
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post #27 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-25-2016, 05:43 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

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Billbird2111,

Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.

I hope things will improve for you.
They did not improve db. They worsened to the point where the truth finally came out last night. She's been cheating on me with a newspaper columnist of all things. It's been going on for about a year.

She wrapped her arms around me, told me she's in love with him, told me she'd rather be with him than with me and said she wasn't going to stop seeing him.

Today I contacted a divorce attorney. I was going to move out, but other people are telling me to stay right where I am. They say she's the one who cheated so she should leave, not me.
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post #28 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 10:13 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

Billbird2111 - Hope you are doing well
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post #29 of 33 (permalink) Old 06-30-2016, 10:39 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

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They did not improve db. They worsened to the point where the truth finally came out last night. She's been cheating on me with a newspaper columnist of all things. It's been going on for about a year.

She wrapped her arms around me, told me she's in love with him, told me she'd rather be with him than with me and said she wasn't going to stop seeing him.

Today I contacted a divorce attorney. I was going to move out, but other people are telling me to stay right where I am. They say she's the one who cheated so she should leave, not me.
Stay where you are. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME.

If you leave, you will be considered to have abandoned her.

Get onto the forum section for going through divorce and get good advice.
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post #30 of 33 (permalink) Old 05-18-2017, 05:47 PM
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Re: Wife changed after father's death

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Billbird2111,

Its been over 1 year since I posted on this board. I'm sorry to say that things have not gotten better for me. During the time where I thought she was depressed, my wife was cheating on me. She was doing everything to make me leave so she can be the "hero". Since I did not leave, my wife left the marital residence. I made a post on that back in Dec 2014. Last August my wife filed for divorce. I am so disgusted at what she has done.

I hope things will improve for you.
My marriage ended much the same way, db. This month marks one year since she left. She was having multiple affairs, and is now spending time with a woman who has become both her mother and her lover. I know that sounds incredibly strange, but it's true.

The homes we had together have all been sold. The last one hit the block in March and it was gone five days later. Chinese investment groups working the California market found the place and bid it through the roof. It sold for far more than I imagined. I see it as a bit of good news.

As for my wife -- she also filed for divorce. She wanted to use a mediator and came after me with an attorney to get what she wanted. So -- I gave it to her. The process was nearly complete when she halted everything in November. No reason given, she just stopped hounding me. I haven't heard from the mediator since before Thanksgiving. We've met a few times to go over paperwork and taxes. The anger she once lashed out at me with is gone. It's been replaced by sadness. She thought her life would improve by giving me the heave-ho. It hasn't. She's starting to miss me. I can tell. The last two times we were together we talked for hours. I could tell she did not want to leave.

I am told that she will continue to grow wistful as time passes. She will begin to miss the many things we did together. We did share a lot of loves in life. She was a champion gardener with the greenest thumb I'd ever witnessed. I helped cultivate that green thumb and put it to work. I was very proud of that accomplishment. I still am. But today our gardens are much smaller. The home we turned into our own personal farmer's market is gone now -- it belongs to someone else.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. But I think of the wife I once had, not the woman she's become. Someone on this forum put it into plain language for me to understand. "The new woman she became murdered your wife. Grieve for her because she's not coming back." I don't miss her as much. I fear her to be honest. She's got enough money to hound me with attorneys to my dying day. So -- I don't contact her. Ever. About anything. I only talk to her if she messages or calls me. Other than that, there is no contact between us.

Life gets a little bit better with every passing day. A job that I recently interviewed for may take me away from this city to stand guard against a large dam and a spillway that cracked into a million jagged pieces last winter. You may have seen it on your evening news. It's a new start in a new city. Which may be just the pill that I needed to get up and move on with life.
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