My GF's ex committed suicide - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #16 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-03-2013, 07:40 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

My brother committed suicide...and yes, while he could be a massive jerk, when a loved one takes their own life, there is a certain guilt that haunts you for the rest of your life. She is probably going through a mix of emotions right now. ...thinking if she could have done anything to prevent this from happening? What if she would have stayed with him, would she have been able to prevent this?

...the fact that he took his own life highlights the severely of his problems. When my brother was alive, I would get so angry with him about how he treated other people and his family. He could be a real jerk...but, after he died, I don't know.....it is sort of like I started to really feel sorry for him. He was in so much pain---an incredible amount of pain--a pain so deep that I don't think I could ever possibly understand.



It has only been a year since his death. My brother died 9 years old June 15th. ...this time of the year still brings back a lot of sadness and a lot of memories. I have found a bit more peace in my brother's decision...but, I still wonder what he would be doing today if he were still alive.

Your girlfriend is probably having similar feelings about her ex at her son's graduation. At her son's graduation, she was probably remembering and reflecting on her son's childhood--and her ex is linked to that childhood...he was a part of it. ..and now he is gone. He will never be a part of another one of his child's milestones again.

About the bench...I remember when my brother's tombstone was finally placed on his gravesite. It was placed on there about 6 months after his funeral. I remember thinking to myself, "Well...this is the last major event in my brother's life. His tombstone has been placed. Nothing momentous will ever happen to him ever again. "

Personally, I think you are thinking of this through sort of a selfish point of view. In time, your girlfriend's thoughts on being buried next to her ex might change---they may not...but they might. She did once have a family with him. It is hard to let go of these things--with time it is easier.

But, it has only been one year. There is no easy fix for this. ...just time. In time, you start to recall the entire history and you gain a greater perspective. The most you can do is support her and make it known that you are there for her. Don't try to fix this by suggesting medication. She needs to do this on her own. It is good that she is talking to a pastor.

In her eyes, there is no way that you can truly understand what she is going through. ...but, you can make her know that you love her. I remember cherishing cards and emails that I would receive on my brother's death anniversary one year later. It meant that my friends remembered still...that they still cared. Just knowing that people care means so much. ...and just knowing that they don't just want to wipe away this memory and "fix" my sadness meant a lot to me.

My mom found a lot of support and help in support groups for suicide survivors. In the support group, you are surrounded by people who have lost a loved one to suicide--in this support group, my mom found people who could truly understand her emotions and what she was going through.


This has got to be such a tough time for your gf. My heart goes out to her. The memories must just leak through into her brain all the time.


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post #17 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-05-2013, 12:24 AM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

Thanks for all the comments!

I think maybe im worring too much of looking into things a little negatively.

Im starting to understand the grieving process better. I spent the night on her Bday and had a good time. I wanted her to come to my house this week sometime to talk and she came tonight. We had deep conversation nonstop

from 6 to midnight. We're back on the same page,there was a bit of communication breakdown that started this, but we sorted through it with ease. I understand her as well as she understand my feelings.
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post #18 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-05-2013, 02:05 AM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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Originally Posted by numberonedad View Post
We had deep conversation nonstop

from 6 to midnight.
THIS

If you have this, you may praise yourself a lucky man.
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post #19 of 41 (permalink) Old 06-07-2013, 10:25 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

If I read your post correctly, you had only been dating a few months when her ex died. That had to be so shocking to you! I'm really sorry.

She didn't have the chance to have closure. He took that chance away from her. She could indeed have PTSD and needs grief counseling.

I would definitely make it plain to her that you are in for the long haul. The fact that she's withdrawing could mean she is just lost in depression. It's the anniversary month of his death.

I am so glad you've been talking again. Hopefully, together, you can get through this.
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post #20 of 41 (permalink) Old 08-08-2013, 12:41 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

I am going to have to agree with unbelievable when it comes down to it, death has a way of making even the vilest person something of a saint. i think that if you have the patience you will be able to see this through, but then again you deserve to be happy also. To be frank, the fact that you were the OM in this family's life might make her feel cold towards you as guilt swallows her up, but that is on her shoulders and she will have to work through that too.
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post #21 of 41 (permalink) Old 08-08-2013, 01:16 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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I am going to have to agree with unbelievable when it comes down to it, death has a way of making even the vilest person something of a saint. i think that if you have the patience you will be able to see this through, but then again you deserve to be happy also. To be frank, the fact that you were the OM in this family's life might make her feel cold towards you as guilt swallows her up, but that is on her shoulders and she will have to work through that too.
I wish you the best of luck. She may end up being only a close friend in the long run for you, but when we put our hopes aside sometimes the closeness of a good friend is as important in life than almost anything. She needs a good friend and you are being that. You have done well to put aside your wants to be that for her.
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post #22 of 41 (permalink) Old 08-12-2013, 07:48 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

Hi.
Its been awhile ,I would like to update you all and once again thank you for the help!
We had about 4 weeks that were amazing starting about a week into June,we had a nice 4 day vacation at her camper over 4th of July,I remember that Sunday about an hour before I had to leave to get my kids and go home,I looked at her and she had big tears in her eyes,she was already missing me.
Things were good till last week in July and things have been chaotic for her. A lot of very expensive vehicle breaks downs and stress with her kids. She found her daughter at the gravesite one day taking a nap on the gravestone. Very sad.
It tears my GF up. She has also been working odd hours,day shift,then graveyard shift, It seems like when She's stressed her communication and affection,flirtyness goes down hill fast.
And it is hard on me, I like to flirt and if I send txts I don't get a reaction or the reply I was hoping for. Its hard to deal with when we only see each other about once a week.
Its always made me a little uneasy when any GF is cold and distant to me.
I have been reading the book "no more mr nice guy" There is some good points of interest in there and also some material has been confusing. Some doesn't apply also.

I went camping with my kids this last weekend and I sent some flirty txts(its been a couple weeks since some naughty txts) in the morning and there was no reply,just a "morning,I just got up". I told her it was starting to frusterate me and that it makes me feel unattractive to her. That pissed her off. Havent talked since yesterday when it happened other than we txt "goodnight" to each other. I plan on talking tonight with her.
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post #23 of 41 (permalink) Old 08-13-2013, 07:38 AM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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Hi.
Its been awhile ,I would like to update you all and once again thank you for the help!
We had about 4 weeks that were amazing starting about a week into June,we had a nice 4 day vacation at her camper over 4th of July,I remember that Sunday about an hour before I had to leave to get my kids and go home,I looked at her and she had big tears in her eyes,she was already missing me.
Things were good till last week in July and things have been chaotic for her. A lot of very expensive vehicle breaks downs and stress with her kids. She found her daughter at the gravesite one day taking a nap on the gravestone. Very sad.
It tears my GF up. She has also been working odd hours,day shift,then graveyard shift, It seems like when She's stressed her communication and affection,flirtyness goes down hill fast.
And it is hard on me, I like to flirt and if I send txts I don't get a reaction or the reply I was hoping for. Its hard to deal with when we only see each other about once a week.
Its always made me a little uneasy when any GF is cold and distant to me.
I have been reading the book "no more mr nice guy" There is some good points of interest in there and also some material has been confusing. Some doesn't apply also.

I went camping with my kids this last weekend and I sent some flirty txts(its been a couple weeks since some naughty txts) in the morning and there was no reply,just a "morning,I just got up". I told her it was starting to frusterate me and that it makes me feel unattractive to her. That pissed her off. Havent talked since yesterday when it happened other than we txt "goodnight" to each other. I plan on talking tonight with her.
You need to be grateful for what she can give and stop putting expectations on her. It will drive her away IMO. She can't be there to meet your needs in full and on cue. Sounds like her personal plate is full and certainly her emotional plate is over full. I am glad to hear you have had some good moments but you need to put yourself in her shoes more and stop trying to get her to make you feel better about things. Be a friend and support her and let time pass. Her daughter on the grave is sad but also very telling. There is a great loss there, regardless of the history. She needs to take care of herself and her family. You are an after thought to her and you should be right now. She is your primary thought and although understandable, you cannot pressure her or make her feel like she is failing in any way. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.
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post #24 of 41 (permalink) Old 08-13-2013, 11:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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You need to be grateful for what she can give and stop putting expectations on her. It will drive her away IMO. She can't be there to meet your needs in full and on cue. Sounds like her personal plate is full and certainly her emotional plate is over full. I am glad to hear you have had some good moments but you need to put yourself in her shoes more and stop trying to get her to make you feel better about things. Be a friend and support her and let time pass. Her daughter on the grave is sad but also very telling. There is a great loss there, regardless of the history. She needs to take care of herself and her family. You are an after thought to her and you should be right now. She is your primary thought and although understandable, you cannot pressure her or make her feel like she is failing in any way. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.


I totally agree with everything you said. She came over tonight and we talked for 4 hours. I listened to the reasons why she feels so guilty...I understand what she was saying , weeks before his end he was calling her all the time begging for his family back and begging for help....she's went back so many times except this time.......now hes gone. It brought tears to my eyes,I feel her pain shes going through. Our relationship is back on track and she is so appreciative of me being there for her. Its going to be hard but I believe there is gold at the end of the rainbow some day. I have to quit worrying!
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post #25 of 41 (permalink) Old 08-14-2013, 12:37 AM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

and about the texting:

The need for constanct contact and reaction may be a bit unheathy in this society of nowadays.

It's like you cannot be apart for some time, but if there is love it can bridge at least a vacation.

Have more confidence in yourself, and GIVE her the trust and, GIVE her the time to be alone. Your confidence, your gift.

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post #26 of 41 (permalink) Old 08-14-2013, 06:42 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

Yeah I agree with the texting also, whats hard is it is not just me,we were in kinda a routine when it came to talking and texting. She felt the same,she felt the need to to talk at least once a day,and we always talked right before work to tell each other to have a great day and communicate what each other is doing after work ect.....
So my point is when your used to something....talking,texting,flirting and all the sudden it changes,its hard to understand at times,the feeling of being pushed away doesn't feel good at all,but im learning im going to have to keep myself busy and be more confident(which I do have a problem with,more so in past relationships....its hard to be confident when you see and hear so many unfaithful people and amount of divorces,news,media,ect... the world has a lot of demons,seems like no one has values anymore)

Im glad I have this forum to get educated.
I don't remember if I mentioned this,I moved out of my home town to be closer to my GF and my kids. So im in a apartment and don't know anyone for 30 mile radious. Im a single Dad and always have a bit of emptiness when I don't have my kids.

thanks everyone!
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post #27 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-11-2013, 11:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

this last month has been hard. The amount of stress on my GF is ongoing and random things keep happening. Now her daughter was dumped by her BF and we have been dealing with teenage drama everynight of the week. Very exhausting on my GF. I hope this starts to get better,I don't know how long I can hang in there. I am receiving very little reaction,intimacy,deep talks, or anything lately. She has called to vent about things and shes been there for me this last weekend when I had behavior issues with my kids.(my GF is a para at a school) she talked to the kids for me over the phone. I wish things were back to normal
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post #28 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-12-2013, 01:02 AM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

NOD,
Thank you for updating your thread. I remember when you posted.

You did not expect this when you started seeing her, but it is still very early for her by any measure.

Maybe IC would be in order.

If you want to be there for her then this is part of it, but you still need to tell how you feel without placing expectations on her.

She will understand your pain most likely, women are good that way.

Thank her for anything she does for you, she needs to know that she is an important part of your life, talking to your kids was very good of her. She sounds like a decent lady.

I wish you well,

Take care!
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post #29 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-13-2013, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

So I have been skimming through "no more mr nice guy"
and I have to tell you a lot of it doesn't make effin sense at all.


One story of a man that would listen to his wife vent every night after she comes home from work. He was reinforcing the behavior????? really???? isn't that what we as partners and best friends supposed to do is be there when your love one needs to vent???? the advice was to ignore her and the next day she came home happy cause she figured it out by herself.
really????? So to be in a healthy relationship you have to ignore your partners bad days and do things for yourself????
This seems so wrong!!!!! I don't know if im just making myself worse off by reading this book.

Last night I told my GF the she is important in my life and that I love her. I never did get any reaction back. So I have hardly told her lately that I love her,I will wait tiill she says it first.

I appreciate everybody's replys on this forum.Thank you!
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post #30 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 08:19 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

I mean no offense when I say this, but your posts come off as kind of as needy and clingy. They also come off as more than a bit self-centered. I can understand why your gf would be growing more distant from you.

I'm seeing more about how you feel, what you're not getting, what you want from your gf, what you need from your gf, what your gf isn't giving you, etc much more so than what she or her children are going through, how they feel or what you're willing to do for them.

It really does sound like you need to step back and give your gf the amount of space she needs and stop placing expectations on her as to how she should make you feel. Especially considering what her and her children are going through.


Quote:
Last night I told my GF the she is important in my life and that I love her. I never did get any reaction back. So I have hardly told her lately that I love her,I will wait tiill she says it first.

I appreciate everybody's replys on this forum.Thank you!
That sounds pretty passive-aggressive. I hope things work out but you really should keep an open mind with NNMNG and should probably read Married Man's Sex Primer as well.

"The one who is most willing to walk away from the relationship, is the one who controls the relationship."
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