My GF's ex committed suicide - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #31 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 10:57 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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Originally Posted by Jasel View Post
I mean no offense when I say this, but your posts come off as kind of as needy and clingy. They also come off as more than a bit self-centered. I can understand why your gf would be growing more distant from you.

I'm seeing more about how you feel, what you're not getting, what you want from your gf, what you need from your gf, what your gf isn't giving you, etc much more so than what she or her children are going through, how they feel or what you're willing to do for them.

It really does sound like you need to step back and give your gf the amount of space she needs and stop placing expectations on her as to how she should make you feel. Especially considering what her and her children are going through.




That sounds pretty passive-aggressive. I hope things work out but you really should keep an open mind with NNMNG and should probably read Married Man's Sex Primer as well.
That's why I am on here,cause im confused and don't know how to feel or react towards things. And yes I haven't talked much about what I do for them,again that's why I am needing advise,I am in a situation where I am putting way more in than im getting out of this relationship and don't know what to do. wait it out? maybe shes the typical woman that ive had a lot of and she don't have the balls to end it?? IDK !!!!!! our relationship is nothing but a text in the morning and a text before bed. I admit im a little on the defensive side lately,why wouldn't I be????? Stop saying " I love you" is a suggestion from many of my friends. Even my GF's best friend doesn't understand why shes being like this to me and she has worked with her for 10 years. Ive been in so many relationships that where I have trusted and had patience and it was a big dishonest joke. I would hate to walk away from a similar situation and have this a legit downfall that I SHOULDVE stuck through.

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post #32 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 11:00 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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That's why I am on here,cause im confused and don't know how to feel or react towards things. And yes I haven't talked much about what I do for them,again that's why I am needing advise,I am in a situation where I am putting way more in than im getting out of this relationship and don't know what to do. wait it out? maybe shes the typical woman that ive had a lot of and she don't have the balls to end it?? IDK !!!!!! our relationship is nothing but a text in the morning and a text before bed. I admit im a little on the defensive side lately,why wouldn't I be????? Stop saying " I love you" is a suggestion from many of my friends. Even my GF's best friend doesn't understand why shes being like this to me and she has worked with her for 10 years. Ive been in so many relationships that where I have trusted and had patience and it was a big dishonest joke. I would hate to walk away from a similar situation and have this a legit downfall that I SHOULDVE stuck through.
I suppose I am being lazy in not reading the rest of this. This is one of those times where I think you do need to give her space. You are not married to her. Consider moving on. Or just backing off for a while.

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post #33 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-15-2013, 11:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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I suppose I am being lazy in not reading the rest of this. This is one of those times where I think you do need to give her space. You are not married to her. Consider moving on. Or just backing off for a while.
We've talked about having a future and even have a ring picked out last fall and , its so hard having that kind of friendship and intimacy and for over a year and now we don't even catch up or commicate what each other doing from day to day.I have gained so much trust from her daughter,she talks to me about her boyfriend problems and so on and now me and her mom hardly talk??? I really don't think I have the strenghth to hold on anymore
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post #34 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-16-2013, 10:51 AM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

SHE needs to get in therapy.

My ex didn't die and we don't have kids.... but abuse, in general will change who you are as a person. I'm 1 year out from separation and I have gotten close to starting a relationship with someone but didn't.

After an abusive relationship (nevermind the suicide) it's hard to trust people. And I would almost bet she has no idea why she is acting that way towards you.

I have the same "moods"

She needs to work on herself before you can have a relationship. I think you should tell her that she needs help for her sake and the kids sake.

I'm sorry you are going through this... it's a tough situation to be in.
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post #35 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-18-2013, 07:46 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

My step-daughter's biological father killed himself with a gun a couple years ago. He called my wife and left her a message right before he did it. Rough time.
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post #36 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-19-2013, 07:54 AM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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I wish you the best of luck. She may end up being only a close friend in the long run for you, but when we put our hopes aside sometimes the closeness of a good friend is as important in life than almost anything. She needs a good friend and you are being that. You have done well to put aside your wants to be that for her.
I agree with noguts, your relationship with her may not turn into one that you expected. The loss of her ex has hit her hard, you would think that after all the physical and emotional torture he put her through she would be done with him but instead wants to be close to him for all of eternity. She may have pushed her feeling to the side to save her kids from growing up in a dysfunctional family which could effect them for the rest of her life but it sounds like she never stopped caring for him and still loved him. Had it not been for his chemical dependency she would more than likely still be with him
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post #37 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-25-2013, 09:51 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

I think you need to back way off OP. You are investing too much into a person who is not able at the present time to return your affections. Your girlfriend sounds like she is overwhelmed, and I agree with the others that you are very low on her priority list. I know you love her and you have tried to help, but you are spinning your wheels against forces you cannot hope to overcome.

My advice is to start detaching. Start living for yourself again. Turn off the phone when you get home from work. Go jogging, work out, take guitar lessons.... In a sense you need to get back control of your life because you have focused on her life too much.

I also get the sense that to her you were a rebound relationship. You were the avatar for the husband she left. She was not used to being without a man and used you to fill the gap. Now that her husband died she has found other things to fill that gap with. You no longer fit into her life. You have outlived your usefulness to her. I think yo may need to accept the fact that you loved her far more than she ever loved you. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to make you think of the worst case scenario. Look at her actions towards you and ignore her words. What do her actions speak to you?. Her ignoring you and reducing communication to one text a day speaks volumes to me.

Frankly I would not accept this kind of treatment, regardless of whether or not she is mourning her late ex or not. I don't buy the fact that this is the reason she is detaching from you. Her actions say she wants you gone, but she is too much of a coward to tell you.
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post #38 of 41 (permalink) Old 09-25-2013, 10:05 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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I think you need to back way off OP. You are investing too much into a person who is not able at the present time to return your affections. Your girlfriend sounds like she is overwhelmed, and I agree with the others that you are very low on her priority list. I know you love her and you have tried to help, but you are spinning your wheels against forces you cannot hope to overcome.

My advice is to start detaching. Start living for yourself again. Turn off the phone when you get home from work. Go jogging, work out, take guitar lessons.... In a sense you need to get back control of your life because you have focused on her life too much.

I also get the sense that to her you were a rebound relationship. You were the avatar for the husband she left. She was not used to being without a man and used you to fill the gap. Now that her husband died she has found other things to fill that gap with. You no longer fit into her life. You have outlived your usefulness to her. I think yo may need to accept the fact that you loved her far more than she ever loved you. I'm not saying this to hurt you, but to make you think of the worst case scenario. Look at her actions towards you and ignore her words. What do her actions speak to you?. Her ignoring you and reducing communication to one text a day speaks volumes to me.

Frankly I would not accept this kind of treatment, regardless of whether or not she is mourning her late ex or not. I don't buy the fact that this is the reason she is detaching from you. Her actions say she wants you gone, but she is too much of a coward to tell you.
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post #39 of 41 (permalink) Old 10-09-2013, 05:40 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

So any updates?
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post #40 of 41 (permalink) Old 10-10-2013, 05:48 AM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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I just got done talking with her,she said this week has been very hard,the anniversary of his death is coming up and sons graduation,She feels a lot of guilt.She has been praying with the pastor this week. Shes had a lot of mixed feelings,she has bad dreams. We had small talk and I reassured her that shes in my thoughts and prayers. We've never had comm problems till this week but its understandable. I don't know how to feel about the her name on the grave site,im going to have to ponder that,its not a jealousy thing but more of a sacred thing to me,the guy who hopefully is at her side till we die.
I just know that I would want to be buried next to the woman who has my heart, I would NEVER consider being next to MY kids' Mother

I asked her to talk to me if she has irrational thoughts and odd mood swings,I told her im going to be keeping an eye on her... she said"thats good!"

And she thanked me for the space I gave her this week.
We both agree that she has PTSD,I mean she seen the blood ,teeth,scull pieces all over the house. She moved back in the house after the cleaners finished and weeks to months later she would find a piece of him.....

So bottom line is im going to stand by her even if I feel pushed away or not getting all my needs ,we are best friends and I love her .
I have to get over my worrys and anxiety in this situation and not be defensive.



Oh and she's gone to one grief camp with her daughter.
She has seen her dr about different anti-depressants,
As far as I know she hasn't seen anyone about PTSD
You have answered many of your questions. There seems to be a positive basis for hanging on.

I wouldn't worry about the bench or where she is buried. Maybe you will marry and you bury her next to him because it remains her wish. But by that time you will understand each other deeper. Maybe you'll get a plot on the other side of her.

Her desire to be reunified with him the in the after world is related to her sorrow over his death, but also her regrets that she could not turn him around. She tried so hard. So in a sense a big part of her died with him.

By being there for her she may regenerate. You are investing in the green shoots out of what could be a dead stump. You cannot say how well she will do. You are taking a risk. Life has risks and sometimes we have to embrace them, knowing they can turn out wrong.

Your GF is not a taker. She is giver who is worn out. Don't be in her face trying to define your role. Be more self confident, happy in yourself. That will give you the strength you will need for this relationship or its dissolution.

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post #41 of 41 (permalink) Old 10-13-2013, 05:26 PM
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Re: My GF's ex committed suicide

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