About 10 years ago I met my wife. I had recently become single and had a young child from a previous relationship. The biological mother had her mid life crisis in her 20's and left us in the dust. In my previous relationship, I'd also had a vasectomy because I thought I wasn't going to want children with my ex and at the time I didn't think I would move on.
When my current wife and I began our relationship, I was concerned since she didn't have any children that my being sterile would be a problem. She insisted it wasn't a deal breaker, that she never really had a large desire to have children of her own. At the time I was ok with it because I had one child, but always hoped someday the biological clock would tick and we'd get a chance to have a family of our own.
Fast forward to the present and my dilemma. We raised my child for several years with the biological mom completely out of the picture. In the midst of teenage problems, he ran away from home and is now living with the biological mother, the same one who hadn't been in his life or had anything to do with him for years. Before he ran away, he took his anger out on me and my wife frequently doing and saying hurtful things. At this point we do not have any kind of relationship and I'm not expecting that to change any time soon, if ever. It was that bad.
All of my hopes and dreams of the family I never had went up in smoke. I've been struggling what to do because I know my wife hasn't changed her mind. We've had one or two conversations about children since we became an empty nest house and she told me if things would have been different that she would have had one with me, that she wanted to give her family at least one grandchild, but that conversation was in a past tense, not I'm still open to the idea.
I don't want to divorce. I don't believe in them even though I had one forced on me. I want to move forward and at least get reversed and try to have a family and I don't want to wait. We don't have much longer before a child together will not be possible. If it doesn't work out, I would be ok with at least having tried and looking into other options like adoption or foster care.
Part of my desire is to fulfill what I never got to have with my only child but just as much is the desire to have a child with the woman who I love and admire. I want to share conception, pregnancy and a biological child with her in the worst way. I wished I'd waited for her and not gotten a vasectomy. I went against my religion to do so. I was not in the church when I did and I feel guilty for that as well. I'd just like to make things right but I'm not sure its possible.
I feel very stuck and don't have any idea how to move forward without destroying what's left of our marriage after the hard teenage years with my son. We're both trying to heal and move forward. I feel like I am dealing with a death of a child. She doesn't see its as big of a deal as I do. He's not dead but boy did he burn every bridge with gasoline and then some on his way out of our house. To me, it would be easier to deal with a tragedy than an outright rejection as a father. I understand that's the difference between having a step-child and a biological child. I'd probably feel like she does if the roles were reversed.
Anyone else have this situation? I'd guess normally its the other way around where the man doesn't want children and the wife does. If I put the spotlight on my change of heart, I open the possibility of putting an end to our relationship if I can't come to terms with the loss and make more mistakes and regrets chasing after what's missing.