Childless - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-28-2013, 05:59 PM Thread Starter
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Childless

About 10 years ago I met my wife. I had recently become single and had a young child from a previous relationship. The biological mother had her mid life crisis in her 20's and left us in the dust. In my previous relationship, I'd also had a vasectomy because I thought I wasn't going to want children with my ex and at the time I didn't think I would move on.

When my current wife and I began our relationship, I was concerned since she didn't have any children that my being sterile would be a problem. She insisted it wasn't a deal breaker, that she never really had a large desire to have children of her own. At the time I was ok with it because I had one child, but always hoped someday the biological clock would tick and we'd get a chance to have a family of our own.

Fast forward to the present and my dilemma. We raised my child for several years with the biological mom completely out of the picture. In the midst of teenage problems, he ran away from home and is now living with the biological mother, the same one who hadn't been in his life or had anything to do with him for years. Before he ran away, he took his anger out on me and my wife frequently doing and saying hurtful things. At this point we do not have any kind of relationship and I'm not expecting that to change any time soon, if ever. It was that bad.

All of my hopes and dreams of the family I never had went up in smoke. I've been struggling what to do because I know my wife hasn't changed her mind. We've had one or two conversations about children since we became an empty nest house and she told me if things would have been different that she would have had one with me, that she wanted to give her family at least one grandchild, but that conversation was in a past tense, not I'm still open to the idea.

I don't want to divorce. I don't believe in them even though I had one forced on me. I want to move forward and at least get reversed and try to have a family and I don't want to wait. We don't have much longer before a child together will not be possible. If it doesn't work out, I would be ok with at least having tried and looking into other options like adoption or foster care.

Part of my desire is to fulfill what I never got to have with my only child but just as much is the desire to have a child with the woman who I love and admire. I want to share conception, pregnancy and a biological child with her in the worst way. I wished I'd waited for her and not gotten a vasectomy. I went against my religion to do so. I was not in the church when I did and I feel guilty for that as well. I'd just like to make things right but I'm not sure its possible.

I feel very stuck and don't have any idea how to move forward without destroying what's left of our marriage after the hard teenage years with my son. We're both trying to heal and move forward. I feel like I am dealing with a death of a child. She doesn't see its as big of a deal as I do. He's not dead but boy did he burn every bridge with gasoline and then some on his way out of our house. To me, it would be easier to deal with a tragedy than an outright rejection as a father. I understand that's the difference between having a step-child and a biological child. I'd probably feel like she does if the roles were reversed.

Anyone else have this situation? I'd guess normally its the other way around where the man doesn't want children and the wife does. If I put the spotlight on my change of heart, I open the possibility of putting an end to our relationship if I can't come to terms with the loss and make more mistakes and regrets chasing after what's missing.

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-28-2013, 06:02 PM
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Re: Childless

Does your wife know how you feel?
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-28-2013, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Childless

She knows that I regret getting fixed, having one child with my ex and that I always hoped she'd change her mind, yes. Did that happen when we were at a good point, no.

Normally her response to questions about children is to come up with a negative example about children and use that as a reason she is glad she never had one. My son gave her 10 million reasons not to want children on top of the ones she already had in her mind before we met.

The one time she said something differently to me was when we had a fight over something small instead of talking about the elephant in the room and I told her how I felt. I told her I regret having one, with the wrong person and regret getting fixed, that I wished I could change that. Did I tell her how I wanted to share parenthood with her and why, no. I don't think it would make a difference. My first wife did not want children either but I talked her into it. That ended very badly. I don't want to force her or talk her into something she doesn't want. That's a recipe for disaster as well.
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-28-2013, 06:57 PM
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Re: Childless

You don't have to force her or talk her into anything but if you are considering divorce over this issue, it seems fair to at least discuss your feelings. That doesn't force her to have a child but it does allow her to make a decision based on full knowledge of the facts. Anything less seems unfair.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-29-2013, 07:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Childless

I'm not considering divorce at this point and would rather not consider that at all. On the other hand, I know that I feel primed for a classic mid life crisis. Those tend to be marriage killers directly or indirectly.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 06-30-2013, 08:07 AM
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Re: Childless

Iwant more,

Take your wife to a nice restaurant and have a heart to heart with her.
Tell her that she had been tremendous help and a good mother in raising your son. The fact that your son burned all bridges, has no reflection on you two as parents and he will come to his senses in the future.
Tell her how much you love her and how much you would love to have a child with her. Tell her she will be a brilliant mother. She might not have the motherly urge now, but holding your own child in your arms changes everything....

I have 2 children ( 1 teenager) and seeing how independent they get I regret not having had a third child. When they leave to go to university, we will be so lonely. However, the train has left the station-I am 47 now.

Talk to your wife and tell her how you feel. Do not wait for the train to leave....... reversal of vasectomy is possible.
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-09-2013, 02:42 PM
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Re: Childless

I agree with Tiberius. Your son may have clouded your wife's view of motherhood, but make sure you let her know that that is NOT her fault. I can see where she might think that his actions are partially due to faulty parenting on her part, and I hope she knows that isn't the case.

Is adoption an option for either of you? It's something to mull over, at least.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-10-2013, 03:50 PM
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Re: Childless

Don't count your son out yet. Those teenage years are brutal, but "word on the street" is they turn human again in their twenties. Personally I can't wait for my son to turn human again. iwantmore you are going to have to have a heart to heart talk to your wife. Now lets talk about vasectomy reversals. Good chance you are going to have a low sperm count which means your wife is going to have to have artificial insemination. This can be very hard on both of you, and in my opinion very hard on the woman. Lots of drugs etc etc. Now lets talk about grieving, any change in our lives can cause this. Maybe that is what you are going through?
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