Why am I starting to feel guilty? - Talk About Marriage
Dealing with Grief and Loss The grieving process is difficult. When we lose someone close to us, we go through many different emotions.

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post #1 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-18-2013, 05:35 PM Thread Starter
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Why am I starting to feel guilty?

Hi Everyone,

I posted in the Ladies Lounge last week when I first joined that I am recently engaged and have been sharing pieces of "my story" with others in my other posts.

Long story short. I was engaged to my boyfriend of 8 years when I was 23. We met through my brother. We got engaged New Years Eve in 2002 and in September of 2003, he passed away from injuries sustained in a car accident. Its coming up to the 10 year anniversary of his death.

I moved to the USA for grad school for the 2003-2004 year which was a complete write off, instead of completing my studies in 2 years, I took 3.

I had casual dates since that time but no one serious until last year when I met my current Fiance, who is a lot older than me. He is divorced. I was thrilled when I got engaged on July 2nd this year while vacationing in Italy, he is still oversees in Europe for work while I am back home. After visiting my hometown in Canada I feel GUILTY of moving on. My room in the house I grew up in still has pics of my first Fiance and I cannot even look at them without crying. i asked her to pack all of that stuff up, but left one of the best pics of us out.

Why am I feeling guilty after 10 years, we were not married, we were planning a wedding. My current FH is a wonderful man with three beautiful children, but totally opposite from what my first Fiance was. I part of me thinks if my first Fiance would not approve of this relationship. Am I insane and why all of a sudden is my first fiance on my mind 24/7. How can I get over this? I haven't thought of him this much in years! Also a part of me is worried that my current FH will die too. Yikes.

Would love to hear others thoughts regarding this!

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post #2 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-18-2013, 10:37 PM
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Re: Why am I starting to feel guilty?

No offense, but it sounds like you need to speak to a professional about this. It sounds like you are still holding on to something from your ex-fiancee. I don't know what it is, but maybe you have some guilt... like you could have done something to prevent his death? Therefore you're not entitled to move on? I don't know what it is, but I think you need to figure out why you feel like you can't be happy with someone else. Just my 2 cents...
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post #3 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-19-2013, 09:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why am I starting to feel guilty?

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Originally Posted by Love2326 View Post
No offense, but it sounds like you need to speak to a professional about this. It sounds like you are still holding on to something from your ex-fiancee. I don't know what it is, but maybe you have some guilt... like you could have done something to prevent his death? Therefore you're not entitled to move on? I don't know what it is, but I think you need to figure out why you feel like you can't be happy with someone else. Just my 2 cents...
Thanks for the response but I don't think I need professional help. This is only recent feelings when I went back to my childhood home. My FH is away in another country so I am by myself, lonely etc. I think its too much time on my hands and overthinking!

But you may be onto something that I have deeper issues?
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post #4 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-19-2013, 09:42 PM
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Re: Why am I starting to feel guilty?

Its the engagement that has triggered this and yes counseling WILL help you move past it.
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post #5 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-24-2013, 01:14 PM
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Re: Why am I starting to feel guilty?

Anniversaries of tragic events are always hard. With time they usually fade; you might only be sad on that day or around that day. But it'll always affect you.

Agreeing with others that your engagement now is triggering those past feelings of sadness and guilt. You had the one you loved torn away from you suddenly. It's okay that that still hurts you and that it would bother you even now.

I'd suggest going to a meeting for a grief/loss group in your area if you aren't comfortable with IC. At least for one meeting.
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post #6 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-28-2013, 05:54 AM
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Re: Why am I starting to feel guilty?

It's been 10 years and you are feeling guilty over your current fiance. I agree with the loves. Professional help sounds appropriate

KanDo

If you want to feel better about your situation, read my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-...t-message.html
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post #7 of 8 (permalink) Old 07-31-2013, 05:39 AM
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Re: Why am I starting to feel guilty?

Guilt is part and parcel of the grief process. Did you speak to a bereavement counselor when your fiance died? If not, this might be a useful way of moving forward...

I'm posting a grief wheel, which is helpful when trying to understand our feelings of loss:-

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.

Last edited by Cosmos; 09-16-2013 at 03:54 PM.
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post #8 of 8 (permalink) Old 08-04-2013, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why am I starting to feel guilty?

I spoke to a bereavement counselor when my first fiance died, and school counselors because I just started my Masters program, instead of completing it in two years, I had to complete it in 3.

I am OK now, I think its wedding planning now, going back to my parents house and seeing old pictures of first fiance that triggered. But being in my current fiance's house, officially moving in since my condo sold, I am OK now!
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