Experiences in CounselingHave you been through professional marriage or relationship counseling? Are you considering it? This section is for topics related to seeing a therapist.
I realize this is a question I should be asking our therapist, but I need to have some idea what constitutes normal.
We've been to couples counseling twice now, the first time we basically covered what we thought was the main problems we were dealing with, the counselor essentially took notes and led the discussion a bit, my wife got pretty worked up talking about day to day issues and the stresses she feels, but the main issue that brought us there was that she had lied and cheated on me.
The therapist suggests that she needs time away from the family once a week as she seems to overwhelmed by all her stresses (remember the reason we came was her going out all night drinking and cheating), I agree to this plan of action, under the condition of no drinking allowed, weeknight only, and not with any of her party friends. The idea is to go to the gym or yoga or something relaxing and constructive....cool, I can buy that, she really does seem stressed, though I believe it's self imposed.
Second session was in 2 weeks, started much like the first, almost like the guy had never seen us before, I guess I was expecting to start some constructive work, and maybe get some homework, but all we did was get asked how things are going etc.
We ended up arguing for the last half of the second session, about day to day stuff, with literally no attempt to interject or steer us from the therapist, no homework, no nothing, he was asking us at the end of the session if we want to continue with more sessions or not. I think it was a mistake to say yes, we really need a new therapist, or do you think this a normal path for therapy to take?
Neither of us has any experience at all with therapy, so I'm seeking a little guidance here, my plan for the next session (if we go back) is to ask for a plan on where this is going and the plan to get there, but what do you suggest?
BTW, Xmas was merry, woke up before the kids, decent morning sex, kids enjoyed the day, even the visit from the mother in law was relatively uneventful, why can't every day be like Xmas? lol
The wife and I had a discussion and have decided to stop seeing this therapist and find another that better suits our perceived needs, sounds great right?
Bad part is she tried to turn her 'time away from the family night' into a pub night with the friend she regularly partied with, and wondered why I wasn't ok with it.
I agree with Deejo. A counselor has to be a good fit for both of you. My husband and I went through about four of them before we found the one that "clicked" for us, and then it was like miracles happened. Keep searching.
It's usually the second or third visit that something constructive starts coming out of it. However, by that time you will know if they are a fit for you. The first counselor we saw was OK and we made some minor improvements with him. The second counselor we saw was much better suited to us and we made much further progress with him.
Great news on deciding to get new counselor.
Seems right from what I read.
I would add that if you end up going for a long time, (its like going to the gym, after a while there is not much the same therapist can add and maybe a change will be in order again).
Thats a long way away though.
I guess I was expecting to start some constructive work, and maybe get some homework, but all we did was get asked how things are going etc.
We ended up arguing for the last half of the second session, about day to day stuff, with literally no attempt to interject or steer us from the therapist, no homework, no nothing, he was asking us at the end of the session if we want to continue with more sessions or not. I think it was a mistake to say yes, we really need a new therapist, or do you think this a normal path for therapy to take?
my experience with therapy tells me that this is the norm. there are some therapists that suggest "homework," but telling your wife to go out and relief stress would fall under that category.
therapy is extremely slow. couples therapy, IMO, is a waste of time. there are so many issues flying around in a room of three people that nothing can get resolved.
my H and i go to individual counseling. this is the way to go. there's no finger pointing, no chaotic arguing. The focus is on fixing your part in the dysfunction. you need a break from the arguing. you need a place to work on your emotions without them being constantly tangled up with hers. you need a place to feel heard and an objective perspective. you need to work on you alone and stop pointing fingers- stop fighting. If you get better, you will bring that to the relationship and things will get better. you will still have to talk to your wife about your problems, but if you take responsibility for your part in the dysfunction, the conversation will go better.
that's how i approach therapy. the only time id consider couples therapy is if my H and i were not fighting, and there was no resentment.
ive been in individual counseling for a year. things are just now starting to get better for me. I do most of the work. i like my counselor to be an objective, outside perspective, but i in no way take her advice as set in stone. the sessions are simply one tool among many that i use.
The question of "how many sessions" is a common one. The reality is there is no formula and if anyone tells you there is, I'd be highly suspect.
There are so many factors that lead to how and how long improvement occurs in therapy. They include the theoretical orientation of the therapist (brief model or more psychodynamic?), willingness of parties involved to engage in the process, personality matches, skill of the clinician and so on.
I often joke with my clients, "If only I had a magic wand under my chair..."
As much as people say about "theory-this and theory-that" the best work is done when the relationship between those involved is a safe one. In couples therapy, both clients need to feel secure that there it is a neutral environment and the therapist will manage any feelings and reactivity that comes up.
It's a good thing to check in periodically around how things are going in the counseling. If nothing is improving regardless of the desire on both parts to change - perhaps it's time to find a better therapist-client fit with someone else.
How many sessions till constructive help? 
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT 
