I feel much better about marriage therapy when my wife DOESN'T go. I actually feel like I'm able to work through things, rather than wasting time arguing with her.
Counseling works when you have the right counselor and you both have a desire to work things through. It doesn't sound as if you are willing to do that work as you said you'd all ready given up on your marriage. If that is how you truly feel, the counseling will just be a waste of your time and money.
I've had some very mixed experiences of counseling (possibly with the same UK outfit as you) but on balance I'm glad I went through it.
Counsellors are no more infallible than their clients and it takes some very complex three-way chemistry to get useful results.
But, if nothing else, I learnt a lot through listening to myself talk in a 'safe' zone and ended up feeling vindicated in my thoughts and actions. So for me it was well worth it.
As for feeling guilty...well, I was a partner in disaster but my lady did some pretty wacky things. Our last counsellor simply couldn't conceal her horrified disbelief while my lady talked about herself and I'll keep that image in my mind as long as I live. I don't feel any guilt - but do have deep regrets.
Has counseling helped you feel better about yourself?
It's helped me to come to terms with how I've reacted ! There have been times when I should have walked away and not argued ! Do I feel better : yes I feel fine about not wanting to make my marriage work . Posted via Mobile Device
Well Katie Jane, if you "feel fine about not wanting to make your marriage work" then you can't expect marriage counselling to help make things better. I would say that it is good that you feel guilty about how much he is hurting; that is a natural response, because marriages are meant to work and that you have sympathy for him is good. I would say that the guilt might be because you know that you are giving up on the marriage, yet you still care/have sympathy for the hurt he feels.
However, if you don't want to make the commitment to make it work, then the counselling is pointless. Btw I speak this as someone who was the aggrieved person, whose wife had 2 longterm (year +) affairs on me, and I made the decision to forgive and work on my marriage, and today we are doing great.
Counselling was a great help for us, but only because we both went in wanting to make it work, and willing to admit fault in areas of our marriage ourselves, and we both have been changing in order to heal. Without that commitment from you though, the counselling will never be of any use.
The counsellor we saw had us both in the same room all the time. He hardly said a thing, just let us argue back and forth and then suggested we 'talk' to each other. We did talk, very well until we got into his room. Basically we stopped going because my husband was even lying to the counsellor (as I found out myself as I dug deeper into his porn habit). Probably because I was sat there all the time the counsellor was asking him questions about what our issues were.
I'm sorry to hear that Cherryfest, it doesn't sound as if you found a very good counselor for your needs. It's usually best to call around, see if a counselor will do a mini session so it won't cost as much and then you can shop around until you find someone that is a better fit without wasting so much money. When you find the right counselor, you'd be amazed at the progress you can make!
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Related Threads
?
?
?
?
?
Talk About Marriage
4.9M posts
105.3K members
Since 2007
A forum community dedicated to married life between you and your spouse. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more!