How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - Online Counseling - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Counseling and Professional Help »Experiences in Counseling » How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?

Experiences in Counseling Have you been through professional marriage or relationship counseling? Are you considering it? This section is for topics related to seeing a therapist.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 05-05-2010, 09:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 70
Angry How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?

We've been married almost 2 years and been in counseling for about 1 1/2 +yrs....almost the entire marriage. We started out with a couples counselor for 6 mos, starting doing individual thereafter for 6-8 mos, concurrently switched to another marriage counselor, then a family counselor (briefly), and now we see our minister for our only counseling (for about the last year almost.) Sounds confusing, but the jist of it is that we've been seeing someone constantly.
My point it that every counselor we've seen has given us concrete suggestions to follow, books to read, exercises to practice, things to try, etc. I can honestly say that I've tried every single thing that has been suggested to me, whether I agreed with it or liked it or not...I was willing! I changed a lot of my negative behavior and feel I've become a better mother and wife, for the most part...not perfect, but improved. My husband has NOT followed direction, or he "picks and chooses" what he wants to do..for a few days. If I'm the only one who is participating in this "change" then how can this work? It seems my husband (I don't say DH because he's not "devoted" or "dear"...) is just not willing to take suggestions. We're both 40 or so, so we're both set in our ways a bit and got married after we'd already formed our great big opinions of the world, but I'm at least trying to be more flexible and am receptive to what these counselors are trying to say! Do I stay in counseling with him forever waiting for that "magic banana" hoping one day he'll get it? Or am I just spinning my wheels with a man who obviously doesn't want to put forth the same effort that I'm willing to put forth? I'm learning a lot, but his tires are spewing mud in my face! I'm ready to go into our ministers office tommorow morning and say "Forget it! I'm done!" I just don't think it should take a smart man this long to get his act together and do a little work! Am I crazy? When do I give up? I'm miserable.
MerryMerry is offline   Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 05-06-2010, 01:36 AM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 70
Default Re: How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?

Can someone give me any advice? I can't sleep over this tonight and could use some insight/objectivity. Thanks.
MerryMerry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2010, 06:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
jtk
Member
 
jtk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 68
Default Re: How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?

Quote:
Originally Posted by MerryMerry View Post
Can someone give me any advice? I can't sleep over this tonight and could use some insight/objectivity. Thanks.
I will just jump in here and say, I really wish I had some advice to give you. You and I are almost in the same situation.

Granted, we are not in counseling but I too have a husband who claims to want to work it out, yet puts forth very little effort.

I'm VERY frustrated to say the least, and just about to the end of my rope.

So, I feel for you. Have you expressed to any of the counselors that you feel he is unwilling to participate fully?
jtk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2010, 07:33 AM   #4 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 70
Default Re: How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?

Thanks for the response jtk. I have expressed his resistance to counseling in our sessions and he'll say "I think I've come a long way!" Right. If he's come so far, then we wouldn't be working on the most basic issues continuously for this long. I'm careful not to compare my growth to his because everyone is different, but I am looking at how hard he's worked compared to how hard I've worked. Plus, all our sessions have revolved around his inability to communicate, or his inability to behave appropriately, etc. So if everyone else we've talked to is saying that he's the one that needs to make these changes, and that I'm not doing anything wrong then why should I even bother going anymore? I think both parties should be doing the work, not just one. I've always been told "if nothing changes, nothing changes!" But I also know that I can't make him do the work, and can't love him into healthy behavior...only he can do that. I'm so frustrated.
MerryMerry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2010, 10:01 AM   #5 (permalink)
jtk
Member
 
jtk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 68
Default Re: How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?

So many times on theses boards it is being said 'Men don't think like we do, they don't understand, you need to show them, you need to take them by the hand etc., (which I feel is true to a certain extent), but man, I am having a really hard time accepting this. If the DESIRE is there then it doesn't take that long to learn something with effort. They claim to want to fix things but expect it all to just magically fall into place on its own. I really believe with my H it is laziness. Mental laziness. I agree you can't carry the load on your own. I know I feel like my life is passing me by with each day that things don't change.
jtk is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-06-2010, 10:49 AM   #6 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: mountain west
Posts: 2,567
Default Re: How long do we stay in counseling going nowhere?

i can only advise based on my experiences. our first couples counselor was fantastic. she knew the right questions and the right hypotheticals to present. i truly believe that, had she not taken another job (school district counselor) that we would be back together and happy.

our secong counselor was a disaster. but only in the sense that he pissed off my wife so bad, she quit going. had we stayed with him, i think he was building toward as positive conclusion. unfortunately, i, too, quit going to him.

my point is, regardless of what you think is no progress, maybe your counselor is building to something. good luck.
__________________
separated, honoring wife and family daily, she deserves the best me i can give her.


4 kids g18, g12, g11, b7
voivod is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
counseling, divorce

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
how long to stay in therapy? brandydg Experiences in Counseling 12 02-18-2013 04:01 AM
Counseling. Where, how much, how long. bobsmith General Relationship Discussion 4 11-20-2012 09:04 PM
Should I stay or should I go? Long acm General Relationship Discussion 1 07-15-2012 10:40 AM
Gonna try long distance marraige counseling blueskies30 Coping with Infidelity 0 07-14-2012 12:04 AM
How long do you give counseling? blakeeddie General Relationship Discussion 24 12-30-2011 07:42 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads





Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:27 AM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage