First Session of MC - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-22-2013, 06:09 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: East Coast, USA
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First Session of MC


To say I hated it was an understatement. Really showed me just how hurt I am by my wife's actions these past twenty years. They both felt aweful from me and I do not like people telling me how they feel bad for me. They want to meet with us both next time and want me to tell her what I am feeling. I really do not know what it will do, I have told her for years but she does not change. They seemed genuinely shocked by some of it, but whether that will be better or worse I do not know.

Why does life have to suck so bad? I realized just how hopeless I feel right now.

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-22-2013, 06:37 PM
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Re: First Session of MC

I hated therapy as well, it was so painful. I also loathe other people feeling sorry for me. I came out the other side a stronger, better person. Sending you lots of hugs, hang in there.
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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-26-2013, 10:42 AM Thread Starter
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Re: First Session of MC

Why do I even @$!@#$@ bother! So they said that we should both try to show an interest in what the other one was interested in. And I have tried my darnedest to do that this week. So I am taking a class in a software language and we had to write a simple game. I ask her if she would like to try it- I am proud of what I made- and she says "I guess" with a total "if I really have to" attitude. What the F ever!!!! I told her never mind. Maybe I should just visit the lawyer on monday and tell him that I am done!

Vent over!
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-27-2013, 06:48 PM Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
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Re: First Session of MC

So, total cold shoulder all weekend! Finally said she is tired of doing everything. WTF!!! I have been sick all week, she has still gone to class on Wed, gone out with friends on Thursday, went to church fall festival Friday, went to another "class" thing on Saturday with third child. In the meantime, I watched the kids, though sick, all week! Spent all night friday driving back and forth (took youngest home from church, turned immediately around to get oldest from work and drive him home before leaving to pick wife and middle child up from church. No rest for me.

I am tired of it. SHE claimed she wanted to try to save this marriage, but is not going to change one damned thing that she is doing. I have been sitting here in the living room and she will not even come in to sit with me. I cut my #@$@#$@#$@ beard off because she did not like it. I am done with changing for her. She doesn't want to be married to me then to hell with her. Calling a lawyer tomorrow.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-28-2013, 10:17 AM
Join Date: Nov 2012
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Re: First Session of MC

What I noticed through my long MC sessions was that it definitely got worse before it got better. It almost sounds like she has some resentment built up that is not going to go away in just a week or so. That is one thing that took me quite a while to realize/understand. It took time, alot of time for my wife to start dropping her defenses and see that I really am trying to save the marriage. Things slowly got better once she realized I was in it for the long haul, and once I realized (not understood), but realized why she would just not turn around and be happy and loving right after I was doing nice things for her again, etc..
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 10-28-2013, 07:52 PM
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Re: First Session of MC

I'm sorry to hear about your horrible experience with marriage counseling. It sounds from what you wrote that you saw the counselor by yourself and that there were two counselors (as you referred to them as they). There are different approaches, but I generally feel that it is counterproductive to see a marriage counselor without your spouse. If the counselor feels sorry for you, it may be difficult for him/her to be impartial when your wife joins the therapy, which may make her feel that the therapist is on your side.

No real change will happen instantly and it may get worse before it gets better, but if your therapist is good, it need not be torture. Although my sessions with couples can get intense, they usually walk out of the room feeling better than they came in. That's because we focus on them connecting and relating to each other as opposed to me giving them a bunch of advice.

In order to save your marriage, you will need to go to the root of the conflict. Expecting the other to change because you did will not solve the ultimate problem because it's usually not really about the issues, it's about what you are both triggering in each other. While suggestions to show interest in each other, etc... can be helpful, it's only a band-aid. It won't change the core issues that are preventing you from making progress. Of course, not knowing all the details of your situation, it's difficult to comment specifically, but this is a general overview of what I personally have found to be effective working with couples. Best of luck and hang in there.

Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, LCPC, Founder of
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