Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not - Talk About Marriage
Experiences in Counseling Have you been through professional marriage or relationship counseling? Are you considering it? This section is for topics related to seeing a therapist.

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post #1 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-06-2014, 10:50 PM Thread Starter
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Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

Wife and I married 20+ years. 2 weeks ago I discovered she was cheating on me. Our sex life has been not so good. She says she loves me but is in love with this guy. (Her friend of 7 years, cheating time 1 month) she wants to stay married to me, but won't give up this guy. I asked her to move out. She agrees to couples therapy. Bern there once. In the session I stated I wanted to save the marriage, regain trust in her, and reconcile. She says she loves me but can't be without him. She asks me to be patient.

The counselor says that we'll work to find a mutual goal and even talked about getting us back together sexually. All the time I'm thinking " but didn't you here the part about me wanting my wife and marriage back and my wife saying she wasn't going to leave the other guy?

I don't want to mess up what might be my only chance to save our marriage. Should I speak up about my doubts that we can ever come to a mutually agreeable resolution based on what I've heard or carry on to see what happens?

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post #2 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 12:47 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

Say your piece, Harvey. It's time to change those "nice guy" habits.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #3 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 07:56 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

What does "mutual goal" mean? Your wife's goal is to have her cake and eat it too. Does the counselor buy this as a legitimate goal? Do you want to save your marriage under these conditions?

Your goal: Exclusive relationship with your wife (as promised to you when you married). Other man gone for good.

Settle for nothing less in your marriage.
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post #4 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 08:36 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

Let me state something that I believe to be a truism



Marriage Counseling will not work while she is still in the affair





your number one priority shouldn't be MC
It needs to be KILL THE AFFAIR and then see where you are at

For tips how to do that read the newbie link in my signature and get this moved to the CWI forum

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ஜ۩۞۩ஜ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

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post #5 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:02 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

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Originally Posted by Almostrecovered View Post
Let me state something that I believe to be a truism

Marriage Counseling will not work while she is still in the affair
I think it can work if and only if the counseling is specifically aimed in this direction (ending the affair). From OP's description of the couples (not marriage) counseling, this seems doubtful.

Harvey, the worst thing you can do right now is to be patient. If your W is asking you to wait until her "thing" with the OM runs its course, well, that ain't gonna happen. In order to save yourself a whole lot of wasted time, money and emotional upheaval, act now.

Say your piece, as GusPolinski said. If you do not see immediate and clear agreement on the part of the counselor that the affair has to end at once, then counseling is over. Begin the steps to file for divorce. Why? Your W needs to be shocked into ending the affair if the counseling option doesn't work. If this is not enough to end the affair, then you are not in a marriage worth saving, IMO.

There are some on TAM who would advocate immediate divorce if your wife smiled at a passing stranger. I'm not one of those. But I cannot abide cake-eating. Your W does not even think her affair is wrong, apparently. You cannot talk her out of it, reason her out of it, or "nice-guy" her out of it. Not as long as she thinks as she does right now.
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post #6 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:05 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

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Originally Posted by harveymugman View Post
She says she loves me but is in love with this guy. (Her friend of 7 years, cheating time 1 month) she wants to stay married to me, but won't give up this guy. I asked her to move out. She agrees to couples therapy. Bern there once. In the session I stated I wanted to save the marriage, regain trust in her, and reconcile. She says she loves me but can't be without him. She asks me to be patient.
Word to the wise: There is nothing to reconcile as long as she is still having an affair.

Cuples counselling is not going to do anything as long as she is actively involved with him and cheating with him and refusing to go no-contact.

You have an open marriage right now.

Tell her to sh*t or get off the pot.

If he is married, OUT him to his wife. Today.
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post #7 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:08 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

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Word to the wise: There is nothing to reconcile as long as she is still having an affair.

Cuples counselling is not going to do anything as long as she is actively involved with him and cheating with him and refusing to go no-contact.

You have an open marriage right now.

Tell her to sh*t or get off the pot.

If he is married, OUT him to his wife. Today.
And don't believe a single damn thing that you've heard secondhand about OMW knowing about the affair -- this is why I asked if you'd had any contact w/ her in your other thread.

Virginia: "Why can't you kids leave well enough alone? Everything was fine until you started digging around."

Burt: "You sound like a Scooby Doo villain."
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post #8 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:10 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

You can't "nice" her out of this.
If he is married expose asap.
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post #9 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:11 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

Have a mod move this to CWI also.
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post #10 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:12 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

Harvey - do NOT tell your wife you are going to expose the affair AT ALL. Do not give her any warning. (If in fact he is married/partnered).

Check my signatures for more info.



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post #11 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:20 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

Harvey, these guys hit the nail on the head.

Any and all progress on salvaging your marriage is at a complete standstill until she breaks it off 100%. No contact ever again. And exposure to all relevant parties (other mans wife).

Her demand for patience is unacceptable.
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post #12 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:30 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

"I am willing to work on our marriage with you so that we can both be happy and am up for doing anything/everything possible to save it; but I will not tolerate an open marriage. That is not fair to me or our children. Marriage counseling is not going to do anything as long as you are involved in an affair. If you choose to keep cheating and having your affair, I will lovingly let you go. Our marriage deserves better than that."

Hard lines are the only thing that will work for you.

Last edited by Jellybeans; 08-07-2014 at 09:42 AM.
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post #13 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 09:34 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

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Originally Posted by Jellybeans View Post
Hard lines are the only thing that will work for you.
No children here, as I recall, which makes this even more clearly the right approach.
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post #14 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 10:20 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

FYI to those reading, Harvey has another thread with details in the General section:

Help with marriage

My story: After a night on the town with him, wife exchanged inappropriate texts with her former boss.


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post #15 of 27 (permalink) Old 08-07-2014, 10:53 AM
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Re: Don't know if I should say something in therapy or not

If it's me. I throw her out. Help her pack her belongings take them to the door, put her coat and hat on her and tell her that once she steps out of the house then don't come back, don't call, don't bother you, then close the door, hire a lawyer and file, expose the affair to everyone and if the guy si married, tell his wife.

I would also get your own accounts at the bank, take her name off the credit cards and get them in your name only. If she owns a car, make her pay for gas and expenses including insurance.

In other words put her on a island where all she sees is empty ocean around her and wish her luck either goo or bad, your choice.

Maybe then she'll wake up and see what she's giving up and then if you want a R, then make her earn every bit of it. She started it, she owns it now she has to pay for it.
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