My husband and I were drinking last weekend and a stupid argument got out of hand. I do not remember what happened, but he called the cops because I slapped him. I was arrested and now the state is charging me with simple battery. I'm not supposed to have contact with him according to the state of GA, but he is my husband and we do live together. He bailed me out of jail and wants nothing to go further with the charges, but now he has no control over it. He said he wish he wouldn't have been drunk as well and would have been able to diffuse the situation in a different manner. I feel the same way, wishing I wouldn't have acted the way I did.
He's in the military and talked to someone today at work about marriage counseling. I am all for this, but he also wants me to get individual help. It's hard to hear that after 6 months of being married that we need help, but it's obvious we do. My problem is that he also wants me to do individual counseling because, as he said, "I would do it for you."
I was unwilling at first, and then I agreed to go for him, but now I'm second guessing the individual counseling again. I want to go for myself, not him, but I don't feel I need it. He thinks I have underlying issues, and that's why I acted out the way I did. To a certain extent I agree, on the outside looking in, but I really feel it was circumstantial. I've never done this before. I'm no longer picking up alcohol, as a promise I made to myself. I'd like to think I don't have a problem with controlling how I drink, even if it's only one or 2 weekend nights out of the month, but I went way too far that night and it's not worth it to me for something like this to happen again.
I'm really just not sure what to do. I'm terrified for the upcoming case against me, even though it's my first offense. I don't even have a speeding ticket, but the max is one year in jail so that's enough to scare anyone. I feel couples counseling is a great idea, as much as it makes me sad. And it's not that I won't admit that I don't have a problem. If we go to the couples counseling and the therapist suggests I go individually, then I will strongly consider going, I just don't want to be guilt tripped into going even though I am was the one undoubtedly in the wrong. Any advice?
I want to go for myself, not him, but I don't feel I need it. He thinks I have underlying issues, and that's why I acted out the way I did.
think of it this way, whether you need it personally or not, you do need it for your marriage. i think there are some things you do for your marriage because if you dont, you'll be miserable in your marriage. If this is something your H needs to feel better about the incident, then do it to help the marriage. It also would look good at your court hearing. the judge might go easier on you if he see's your taking it seriously.
On another note, if there was a no contact order issued as a result of the charge, you can't have contact with him....that means you can't live with him until the case is heard. Simple Battery in a domestic situation is taken very seriously in most states.....violating a no contact order resulting from such a case is taken even more seriously and in my experience is almost always jail time. I suggest one of you move out until the case is heard. If he is in the military, his CO should be able to set him up temporarily in a barracks on base.
As for counseling, if you are looking to go your separate way, then individual counseling should be explored. If you want to stay together, go with marriage counseling. I have recently become a believer that there are no separate issues in a marriage....you need to work through them together. He will also need to realize you are going to work on both of your issues - he is going to need to accept some level of responsibility for problems in the marriage.
I think I would quit drinking.....but I already did. Rock Bottom for me was 3 fires in a 6mo period of my life-20yrs ago. 3 times I woke up surrounded in flames, the last time I was rescued by the police, I would have died. Mouse+beer= death easy enough
Go to the individual counseling. There's no harm in it, is there? Other than having to swallow a little pride? Sometimes a wife has to do that for her husband, just like he has to for his wife.
And I disagree with BS193:
My husband and I are in marriage counseling to fix a our damaged marriage. BUT I also attend individual counseling for my co-dependency - which started becoming ingrained in me at the tender age of 2 by my alcoholic dad and terribly co-dependent mom. There is no reason for my husband to sit through counseling for my co-dependency. Sometimes there are issues that one spouse needs to deal with in their own counseling. I talk about my sessions with my husband, but the sessions would not be effective with him there.
In my state, Your situation would go infront of the judge and your husband could ask for Anger counselling. Or the judge could order it himself. Either way, it's jail for a year or get yourself enrolled in couselling. You can check with the court clerk for counsellers listed with the court system so that you are on track and not having to switch.
By the Way my H didn't even touch me or the kid, he just showed extreme out of control screaming and slamming things. That was enough for the police, MC, and attny.
I started with MC because my husband wanted to but it quickly turned to IC for me. To say I had issues would be the understatement of the century. While my husband is no saint and he's got problems of his own I have by far done more time on the couch than he has and it's completely justified. At first I went for him but now I go for me. Best thing I've ever done for myself really.
Glad it worked out for you magnoliagal. Therapy is not only for those that have problems, it is for everyone. Sometimes by being able to talk to someone who is not emotional involved in our day to day situations they are able to provide us with insight and growth of our individual endeavors.